My kids stopped being appreciative of gifts. Now I make them write thank-you notes before they can use them.
My children began resisting the task, seeing it as tedious and unnecessary.
Now, they must write thank you notes before they are able to play with or use any gifts they get.
My 10-year-old son happily waved goodbye to his friends as they left his birthday party. Once they left, he tore the wrapping paper off his gifts, while I carefully made a list of which friend had given him which present.
After giving him time to inspect each present and a little prompting, I led him over to a stack of construction paper and crayons to start writing thank-you notes. He rushed through the task, talking about all of the funny things that happened at his party, and got the job done. But it wasn't always this way.
My parents always made me write thank-you notes
When I was growing up, my parents were adamant that I learned how to show gratitude. They taught me to always thank my friends' parents when they invited me over for a playdate and I was instructed to model my parents' behavior and thank the server who brought my meal when we went out to eat.
As soon as I learned how to write my name, my mother had me sign thank-you notes she had written on my behalf to the generous friends and family who bought me gifts for my birthday or the holidays. Eventually, my mother sat me down and taught me how to craft thank-you notes, always including something personal about what the gift meant to me. It is a habit I have carried into adulthood.
My children wrote thank-you notes willingly when they were little
When my children were still toddlers, I tried to instill in them the same habit of writing thank-you notes.
Each time they received a gift, I asked my children to scribble a drawing that we would give to the gift-giver. My children took this job seriously, and their early efforts at writing thank-you notes were warmly received. Once they learned how to write, they started expressing their thanks with short but heartfelt sentences. At first, they did so without hesitation. However, once a few years passed, getting them to write thank-you notes became a chore.
Eventually, they began to resist writing thank-you notes
As my children grew older, they began to question why they had to write thank-you notes. Very few of their friends wrote thank-you notes, and they found sitting down to write them tedious.
"If someone takes the time to get you a gift, you should take the time to thank them," I said. For a while, they found this argument convincing. Nevertheless, as time passed, they started resisting the act of writing thank-you notes again.
Between having four kids and trying to keep up with life and work, thank-you notes fell by the wayside. By the time my youngest child started having birthday parties at 3, I didn't bother trying to get him to write thank-you notes at all.
Every time one of my children received a gift, I felt a pang of guilt knowing my kids would not send a thank-you note in return, but I was too overwhelmed to do anything about it.
My children started to expect gifts, and I knew things had to change
At some point, my children began to feel entitled to gifts. They would sometimes complain if a gift was not as generous as they thought it should be, or if it wasn't exactly what they wanted. I was horrified by their lack of gratitude and decided it was time to reinstate writing thank-you notes as a way of reflecting on their good fortune and to reinstill gratitude for all that they have.
As expected, my children argued vociferously, insisting that writing thank-you notes was a waste of time. However, once I told my children that they would not get to use their gifts until they did so, they got on board quickly. Soon, writing thank-you notes became second nature again.
Writing thank-you notes has made my children more appreciative
Sometimes, I wish my children would write longer, more thoughtful notes. Nevertheless, even the act of writing a simple note of thanks has had a positive impact. Taking the time to reflect on someone's generosity and the expression of love or friendship involved in giving a gift is a valuable exercise in gratitude.
Sometimes, without prompting, they now thank me for taking them on vacation or on an outing they really enjoy like bowling or a visit to an escape room. My hope is that they continue to show, and reflect on, their gratitude even when I'm not looking over their shoulders.
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