I feel like a fool after finding out about my husband's affair with our daughter's netball coach
I feel violated and humiliated, like our marriage has been built on lies
DEAR DEIDRE I feel like a fool after finding out about my husband's affair with our daughter's netball coach
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DEAR DEIDRE: FOR years I'd had a nagging feeling something wasn't right in my relationship, but nothing could have prepared me for the discovery that my husband was having an affair with our daughter's netball coach.
I'm 48, and my husband is 49. We've been married for 25 years and have two daughters, aged 18 and 20.
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I was clueless about his betrayal until I was having a clear-out a few weeks ago and discovered an old love letter my daughter's netball coach had written to my husband in his bedside table drawer.
It referenced our eldest doing her A-levels so I knew it was around two years old. I was gobsmacked.
Back then, I knew something was off. He had become so cold and distracted.
He was constantly working late and spending weekends 'running errands' or glued to his phone.
I remember asking if there was someone else, but he denied it and made me feel paranoid for even suggesting it.
Now I feel like a fool. This coach was in our lives regularly. She knew me well.
He claims it was a brief fling and that it ended long ago. He swears he never stopped loving me and that it was the worst mistake of his life.
I feel violated and humiliated, like our marriage has been built on lies.
I'm not sure I can ever trust him again.
Dear Deidre: Cheating and can you get over it
DEIDRE SAYS: Finding out about a betrayal like this, especially years later, can knock the wind out of you and make you question everything you thought was true about your relationship.
It's normal to experience a storm of emotions, from shock and anger to sadness and confusion.
In any relationship, trust is fragile, and once it's broken, it can be hard to know how to rebuild it.
Talking openly with your husband about the past and your feelings is important, but only when you feel ready.
You will both need an understanding of why he cheated, what was missing from your relationship and what real changes you both need to make to strengthen your marriage.
Consider seeking support from a counsellor either alone or together. Organisations such as relate.org.uk (0300 100 1234) offer confidential advice.
My support pack, Cheating – Can You Get Over It?, will help you.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
LOVING'S NOT SAME SINCE HIS CANCER TREATMENT
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my husband was finally declared cancer-free last year, I thought at last we'd have the chance to reconnect and rebuild our intimacy. But since his treatment ended, he's struggled to get an erection.
I'm 54, he's 56, and we've been together for 26 years.
His illness and treatment took a toll on us both, but I hoped once he was better, things would improve. Instead, his inability to become aroused has left him withdrawn and distant.
It's been months, and I can tell it's affecting his confidence. I want to be supportive, but sometimes I feel rejected and unsure how to help.
I love him deeply and just want us to find a way through this together, but I don't know how to start that conversation without making him feel worse.
DEIDRE SAYS: It's natural to feel confused and hurt when intimacy doesn't return in the way you hoped.
However, erectile difficulties are common after cancer treatment and often affect both partners emotionally.
Open, gentle communication is key. Letting your husband know that you're there for him without pressure can help him feel safe to share his feelings.
Encourage him to speak with his doctor about treatments or therapies that might help too.
I'm also sending you my support pack, Erection Problems?, to help.
SO ALONE AND LIFE IS GOING NOWHERE
DEAR DEIDRE: NO matter what I do, my life feels like I'm trapped in a never-ending rut, with no friends, no direction, and no escape.
I'm a 29-year-old man, and I still live with my parents.
I've never been in a relationship and I lost contact with most of my friends years ago when they moved on to bigger and better things.
Over the years I've become shy, and my confidence has hit rock bottom, which makes it impossible for me to meet new people.
Every day feels the same – I wake up, go to work, come home, and repeat. There's nothing meaningful in my life, and it's getting me down.
I have a dead-end job as a warehouse assistant that drains me both physically and mentally.
Most days, I feel invisible and completely alone. I want to change but don't know where to start, and the loneliness just feels heavier with each passing day.
DEIDRE SAYS: Feeling stuck and lonely can be overwhelming, but it's important to remember you're not alone.
Building confidence takes time, so start small. Try new activities or hobbies that interest you, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.
This can help you meet people and slowly expand your social circle.
If your job drains you, consider exploring other opportunities. I'm sending you my support packs, Feeling Lonely? and Help For Job Hunters.
DEVASTATED BY EX'S ABUSE LIES
DEAR DEIDRE: FALSE allegations of domestic violence have turned my life turned upside down
Even though the police found no evidence and dropped the case, the accusation alone has been enough to ruin my name and reputation.
I'm 38, my ex is 34, and for the four years we were together, it's fair to say our relationship was toxic.
We argued constantly, and things ended very badly. But I never laid a finger on her.
After we split, she was bitter and angry, and while I tried to move on, she made sure I couldn't – by making the worst accusation possible.
The police found no evidence to back up her claims, but the damage had already been done. Now everyone at work whispers behind my back, my friends have distanced themselves, and even some of my family seem unsure of what to believe.
I've lost my confidence and my reputation, and most days I feel like I'm barely holding it together.
How do I move forward when everyone behaves like I was guilty?
DEIDRE SAYS: Being falsely accused in this way is devastating, especially when it affects every part of your life.
It's understandable that you feel isolated and overwhelmed. It's important you hold on to the fact that the police decided there was no evidence to pursue her accusations.
Healing from this will take time, but surrounding yourself with people who believe in you will help. You may also benefit from speaking to a counsellor to process the trauma.
The False Allegations Support Organisation (false-allegations.org.uk, 03335 779 377) offers confidential support and practical advice to anyone affected by this, including those facing the allegations and their families and friends.
Try not to let this define you – the truth is on your side, even if it takes some time for others to see it.
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