I've never had sex with my wife so I've been bedding my teenage first love instead
DEAR DEIDRE: OVER the five years I've been married I have been having plenty of sex – but never once with my wife.
Instead I have been bedding my teenage first love.
My wife is 34, I'm 37 and we dated for a year before I proposed.
I thought sex would happen naturally but it never has.
My wife tries — to a point — but she doesn't want to experiment with anything other than foreplay.
I've tried to talk to her about it but she says she's happy with things as they are.
The truth is, I have been longing for sex.
A year in to married life, I ran into my first love when I visited a chocolate shop where she works.
We hugged and I think she was pleased to see me. We hadn't seen each other since I was 18.
She's now 36. She said she was still single and then she said, 'Are you in a rush? I'm going on my break in a minute.'
We went to the coffee shop next door and talked like we were still youngsters.
She asked if we could stay in touch.
Dear Deidre: Understanding open relationships
We started texting and meeting up when I was in town.
There was nothing in it until a day when, after a few drinks, I told her about my lack of sex life. She told me she had a high sex drive and she would be 'happy to help out'.
We went to her flat and the passion was off the scale.
It felt so lovely to be desired and to actually go all the way.
We've been meeting weekly but I know my friend will soon get fed up of this going nowhere. There's no way I would leave my wife.
My wife knows I have been seeing somebody else but she asks no questions, presumably because she feels guilty.
DEIDRE SAYS: There's a whole host of reasons why your wife may not want sex – previous trauma, feeling afraid or maybe her family home was one where it was considered dirty or taboo.
Your wife turning a blind eye to cheating is not the answer. This is something you both must tackle.
Find a moment during a non-sexual situation to ask about your lack of intimacy. Why is she reluctant to let you show your love for her in the closest physical way?
If this isn't something you want to tackle alone, suggest some sex and relationship therapy.
My support pack How Sex Therapy Helps explains more.
BIRTHDAY BIKE LED TO FAMILY FALL-OUT
DEAR DEIDRE: AT my son's birthday party, my parents and sister had a big bust-up with my wife, and they haven't spoken to either of us since.
I love them but had to stand by my wife, who was upset because my parents had given our son his first bike.
She had talked to me about getting him one, but he's only three, so we decided to wait until next year.
When he opened his present from his nanna and grandad he was so excited.
Then my wife told them he was too little, and my sister took offence, saying: 'You're being so ungrateful. They're trying to be kind.' The whole thing kicked off.
Now I can't even see my parents or take my little boy out alone. My wife thinks I'll sneak him round to see them. I'm stuck in the middle.
DEIDRE SAYS: Actually, you're the adult who can sort this out – it's your son who is stuck in the middle.
It sounds like your parents didn't have a clue that they would step on your toes.
Talk to your wife about it again, and say that you'll ask them to let you know about any big purchase in future.
It's important that you have them onside, because your little boy will reap the benefits of having grandparents around.
Suggest a meeting on neutral territory – perhaps in the park – where your wife can see how they'll interact.
I hope it does the trick.
DEAR DEIDRE: I PREFER solo sex to doing it with my boyfriend. He tries hard, but I'm never in the mood for it with him. He's 28, I'm 24.
It used to be fun and I used to enjoy having sex together. But when we got our own place, the novelty wore off. We could do it any time then, and I got bored.
I understood more about my body and realised I could get an orgasm on my own or using a sex toy. I've never been able to have one with my boyfriend at all.
When I turn him down I know he's upset. He thinks I don't find him attractive. I do, but I don't want to make love every night like he does.
DEIDRE SAYS: The more anyone has solo sex, the more it blunts the appetite for sex with a partner.
You know what pressure to use and how to touch yourself but a partner may feel awkward without practice.
Having sex with a partner is one of life's wonderful free activities. It gives you a connection as a couple.
It may feel as if he wants nightly passion but if it's quality sex, he may be happy to compromise with less.
If you love him, meet him half way by agreeing to try. Guide his hands and show him where it feels good to touch.
You'll at least be giving him the chance to bring you to orgasm.
My support pack, Understanding Female Pleasure, gives further advice.
FIANCE GAMBLED ALL OUR SAVINGS
DEAR DEIDRE: OUR wedding savings pot has gone. My fiance blew it on horse racing.
I should have known he'd do something stupid. His ex-wife told me he had a gambling habit but he assured me it was over.
He's 33 with two kids aged eight and five from his marriage. I'm 25 and I thought he'd change.
We'd been together for nearly two years when he proposed on New Year's Eve and I've been so excited. I've been planning my wedding day since I was in school.
I have a good job in accounting but my fiance has a low-paid job delivering beer to pubs. He had a win on the Cheltenham races and I should have been concerned then.
He said the winnings would go into our funds – but he bet again, this time with a bad tip he had from a mate.
He panicked and took all our savings out, hoping to recoup his losses. He thought it was a dead cert, but his horse came in fifth.
He has to pay a chunk of his wages to his ex. She's actually a lovely lady and we met when I was invited to his son's fifth birthday party.
She warned me to steer clear and I so regret ignoring her. Now my dreams of a big wedding are over and I don't even know if I can trust him enough to marry him.
Don't do any more wedding planning until he can return the money and prove to you he is determined he'll no longer be that person.
You may be waiting a good few years because his children are still dependent on him maintenance-wise. Are you prepared for that?
You can find out more about gambling addictions and information on where he can find support in kicking this for good in my support pack called Gambler In The Family.
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