Expert reveals how to reignite your sex drive after kids with 3 easy tips & how often married couples REALLY have sex
Relationship expert and Celebs Go Dating star Dr Tara has revealed her top tips for getting
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Sexologist, university professor and relationship expert shared her top tips
Credit: Instagram
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Dr Tara made an appearance on the Made By Mammas podcasts with Zoe Hardman & Georgia Dayton
Credit: Instagram
She says a bit of effort in the bedroom can seriously transform your relationship and your confidence.
Appearing on the
Here was Dr Tara's expert advice.
Set the scene
She explained that the first key to
Read more on sex advice
'You can't even think about desire if you're stressed,' she said.
'Stress is the brake. So you've got to remove the brake before you can accelerate.'
Dr Tara recommends building a daily habit that calms your nervous system, whether that's deep breaths, a hot bath, meditation, or even a good brownie.
Create a connection
It's not all about
Most read in Fabulous
After kids, it's easy to slip into routines where conversations revolve around who's doing the school run or what's for dinner.
But if all you're sharing is screen time and chores,
Georgie answers your sex questions
Dr Tara said: 'Bring back affection.'
That means carving out moments of real
Try a seven-second kiss every day, not a peck, but a proper kiss.
Or spend 20 minutes without phones just looking at each other and catching up, no distractions.
You could even schedule what Dr Tara calls a 'sexy check-in' once a month, which is a chill dinner where you chat about what's working in the bedroom, what you'd like more of, and what's changed.
She says it's not about pressure or
But just have an open, playful conversation that keeps intimacy on the radar.
Because when you bring back laughter, affection and proper grown-up connection, desire follows naturally.
Sexy Mindfulness
The third tip was sexual mindfulness.
She says sexual meditation has been proven to help women rebuild desire and enjoy sex more.
The sexologist even has a
Dr Tara said: 'It's helped women recovering from cervical cancer feel sexy again.
"If it works for them, it can work for anyone."
And if you need a little help in the toy department, Dr Tara's got you covered there too, revealing her top pick for a quiet but powerful vibrator that's 'like the Dyson of sex toys.'
'It's so quiet you can use it in the car. It looks like lip gloss. I even wore it as a necklace – no one knew!'
She recommends the
The vibrator retails for a pricey £125, but Tara claims it's worth every penny and even keeps one in her handbag.
The doc also tackled questions from mums struggling with mismatched
Her advice was simple. Stop bottling it up and talk.
Dr Tara said: 'You should be able to talk about sex with your partner. It's your chosen person.
"If your drive is higher, take care of yourself first.
"That confidence is magnetic.'
And if you've ever wondered
How long should you wait before having sex after birth?
AFTER giving birth, it's generally recommended to wait six weeks before resuming sexual activity.
This time frame allows your body to heal and recover, particularly after vaginal or cesarean deliveries. Here's why:
Physical Healing
: The body undergoes many changes during childbirth, including tears or incisions that need time to heal, as well as the uterus shrinking back to its normal size. The six-week period allows for proper healing of any stitches or incisions and reduces the risk of infections.
Lochia (Postpartum Bleeding)
: After birth, you'll experience lochia, a discharge that can last up to six weeks. Resuming sex before this has stopped can increase the risk of infection.
Hormonal Changes
: Hormones fluctuate significantly post-birth, and you may experience vaginal dryness or discomfort due to lower estrogen levels. Waiting gives your body time to regain balance.
Emotional Readiness
: It's also important to be emotionally ready. The postpartum period can be overwhelming with physical recovery, caring for your newborn, and adjusting to new life dynamics. Take your time to reconnect with your partner emotionally and physically.
Despite this, according to the
The NHS explained: "You'll probably feel sore as well as tired after your baby is born, so don't rush into it."
Dr Tara says married couples of 10 years average sex once every two weeks.
But she revealed that the happiest ones get down to it once a week.
'You don't need hours,' she said.
'Even 10 minutes can change the energy in your relationship and in yourself.'
The sexologist claimed people who have a higher orgasm rate "make more money" and even help you to network as she claims orgasming can make a person "magnetic" to others.
So if the spark's faded a bit post-babies, don't panic.
A few mindful moves, a sexy chat, and a decent vibrator could be all it takes to bring the fire back.
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Tara revealed her favourite vibrator
Credit: Crave
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For Scanlon and other women in their 20s who spoke to The Journal about their decision to come off hormonal contraception, the growing conversation among women about side effects and alternatives is a logical continuation of the empowerment of women that contraception itself brought, 40 years after it was fully legalised in Ireland in 1985. 'The conversations are changing,' Scanlon said. 'Female health is really, really becoming a topic of conversation – and thank god, it's about time.' Ciara McCarthy, a Cork GP who is the clinical lead for women's health at the HSE and Irish Council of General Practitioners, said: 'It is certainly a conversation that seems to be happening now.' She suggests two factors may be at play. First, there's what women are seeing online, some of which, on TikTok in particular, she characterises, as misinformation and disinformation. Secondly, there's the reality that some women are more sensitive than others to the side effects of hormonal contraception. 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Copper coils as a percentage of all intrauterine contraception fitted at the Well Woman centre 2005-2022: there has been a steady increase. Well Woman Centre Well Woman Centre The copper coil is not a universally suitable or attractive alternative to hormonal contraception, however. It can cause longer and heavier periods. McQuaid said that she is seeing sexually active women 'every day' who don't want to get pregnant but aren't taking contraception. Was that always the case, say 10 or 15 years ago? 'It was, but I had always thought it was related to the fact that access to contraception wasn't freely available,' McQuaid said. 'I had always assumed that cost was a factor. But there is still an issue, even though cost is not a factor. Now, some people just say they don't want to get pregnant but they don't actively do anything to prevent it.' Side effects No-one disputes the fact that hormonal contraception can cause side effects. However, some side effects may not be officially recognised. For example, the NHS website states that there is not enough evidence to show that headaches, nausea, mood swings, weight gain, sore breasts or acne are caused by hormonal contraception. This will seem bizarre to many women, who have either experienced one or more of these side effects themselves, or whose friends have. McCarthy, of the ICGP and HSE, said contraceptive care needs to be very carefully individualised. 'We can look at the guidelines, where they'll say there's insufficient evidence that such and such causes mood changes or weight gain, and on a population level that may be true. But on an individual level, women can experience significant side effects and some women are more sensitive than others,' McCarthy said. Psychologists in UCC interviewed 11 Irish women about their experience on the pill. They found that while the women felt more in control of their fertility, they experienced both physical and mental side effects. The women did not feel this experience was taken seriously by doctors. Caitríona Henchion, medical director of the Irish Family Planning Association, agreed with McCarthy that hormonal contraception 'does not suit everyone' and some people seem to be more sensitive to negative effects. These are usually associated with progestogens – synthetic forms of progesterone. 'However, the majority, who are likely to have little or no adverse effects, are being frightened off even trying it,' Henchion warned. 'Many fears are based on totally false claims made, usually on social media.' Advertisement Dr Caitríona Henchion Andres Poveda Andres Poveda She said hormonal contraception is not only an effective way of avoiding unintended pregnancy but can also reduce period pain and cause lighter bleeding, and significantly reduce the risk of developing ovarian cancer. Doctors say that if women have a poor experience on one pill – for instance, low mood, associated with progesterone, or breast tenderness, associated with oestrogen – trying another pill or form of composition is likely to help. 'Oftentimes, women won't have an issue with the second pill they try,' said McQuaid, of the Well Women Centre. However, women The Journal interviewed about their decision to discontinue hormonal contraception spoke unhappily of being automatically told by doctors to try a different pill or form of contraception when they raised concerns. They said they didn't like the idea of taking artificial hormones, and they found it easier to understand their own mood and feelings when they were able to track their normal menstrual cycle (most hormonal contraception other than the hormonal coil prevents ovulation). There seems to be a sense in which women are further alienated from hormonal contraception when they feel the health system is not listening to their concerns about it. Trainee clinical psychologist Ailsa McGuinness, who led the UCC research on Irish women's experience of taking the pill, said that while the pill is physically safe, women feel that there is not enough research on or understanding of its mental health impact. She suggests the gap that has opened up between women's experience, which they share informally with each other, and official medical advice and messaging may be where the online 'wellness' industry has crept in with its alternative views on contraception. Frequently, in social media discussions of contraception, including among Irish women, someone will advocate using menstrual cycle-tracking apps such as Natural Cycles as a form of contraception. This particular app has been promoted as contraception by at least one Irish alternative health practitioner with a large social media following. Natural Cycles, which also encourages women to check their temperature to know where they are in their cycle, said it has a small Irish user base but is not actively marketing itself here. It claims to be 93% effective with typical use and 98% with perfect use, and claims to be 'just as effective' for women with an irregular cycle. Claims that cycle tracking can be over 90% effective in preventing pregnancy are not supported by Irish health authorities. Natural Cycles Natural Cycles In 2018, the British Advertising Standards Authority banned a Natural Cycle ad billing the product as a 'highly accurate' contraceptive tool, ruling that the claims made were misleading and the effectiveness of the app exaggerated. The Irish government's new sexual health strategy states that unplanned pregnancy rates for 'natural family planning methods' are estimated at 24-25%, and warns that there is a 'clear need' for more public information on cycle tracking as a form of contraception. Henchion, of the IFPA, said: 'I have met several women using period tracker apps for contraception. Unfortunately, the context in which I usually meet them is unintended pregnancy. 'If an unintended pregnancy would not be a crisis and if you have a very regular cycle, it is perfectly reasonable to use a tracker app instead of contraception. But the failure rate is significantly higher than with any modern contraceptive method. Even with a very regular cycle, ovulation may vary from one month to the next,' she said. Social media If there is an emerging trend of more women opting out of hormonal contraception, it seems very likely that social media is playing a role. Research analysing YouTube vlogs about hormonal contraception, for example, has found they are disproportionately about discontinuing it. One 2023 study , based on interviews with women, concluded that social media shapes their sense that there are hazards associated with the pill, shifting the perceived risk from questions around the reliability and basic safety of the drug to questions of individual physical and mental wellbeing. Young women interviewed by The Journal who have come off contraception were self-aware about this aspect of social media: they could see that it individualised discussion of hormonal contraception to particular women's experience – and they saw this as a positive. They viewed social media as playing an empowering role in enabling women to share their own experiences and decisions with others. Olwyn Hanley (29) was on various forms of hormonal contraception from age 17 to 24. She believes social media has given women both information and education. 'I feel like the generation before us were very accepting because they didn't have that access to information online. They thought, 'if the doctors say so, it must be right, and we'll just go by that'. I think we're very much a generation who asks questions,' Hanley said. Hanley said that being able to track her menstrual cycle and understand why her mood might be different at different times of the month has been beneficial. She is in a long-term relationship and uses condoms. There may be other factors at play, not least the other side of the story when it comes to pregnancy or avoiding it: men. One 26-year-old woman from Cork said her boyfriend has put no pressure on her to go back on contraception. They use condoms. 'I think the men in this generation are more educated,' she said. Clóda Scanlon, the 28-year-old whose Instagram video on her experience of coming off the contraceptive implant after 10 years received a warm response from other young women, said she has no plans to go back on. Like other women The Journal spoke to, she feels more in tune with her body now that she is tracking her normal menstrual cycle. 'My feelings have more clarity,' she said. 'There would have been times when I would have maybe struggled with my mental health, and I kind of wonder, would the [artificial] hormones have had an effect in some way, because I wasn't actually feeling my true emotions, my body wasn't taking its natural course?' she said. A clearer picture of what is happening in Ireland will soon emerge. The next Healthy Ireland Survey, to be published this year, will contain an update on contraceptive use, while the University of Galway will conduct a major survey for the HSE in 2027. McCarthy, of the ICGP and HSE, advises women who are going to a medical consultation about contraception to write out what they've been on before, how long they took it for and what issues they experienced, to help them to build as clear a picture as possible. To anyone experiencing side effects she says: 'Talk to your GP: they want to find a method that is going to be right for you.' Readers like you are keeping these stories free for everyone... A mix of advertising and supporting contributions helps keep paywalls away from valuable information like this article. Over 5,000 readers like you have already stepped up and support us with a monthly payment or a once-off donation. Learn More Support The Journal
