My husband promised to end affair and rebuild our relationship – but he lied and never ended things with mistress
DEAR DEIDRE: I THOUGHT that becoming a parent would strengthen my relationship with my husband, but instead it has exposed his affair.
We'd just had our first baby when I started noticing a change in him.
He became distant and hardly helped with our newborn, preferring to sit glued to his phone.
I was exhausted and emotional and trying to adjust to being a mum, but I couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right.
Finally, I snooped on his phone and I discovered he'd been having an affair with a colleague.
When I confronted him, he said it meant nothing and begged me to give him another chance.
After that, we had counselling and he promised to cut all contact with this woman outside work.
I wanted so badly for our family to stay together, so I chose to believe him.
But months later, I discovered he never really ended things with her and he's been lying to me the whole time, sneaking over while pretending to rebuild our relationship.
Now I don't know what to do. I feel like a complete fool.
Part of me still loves him and wants to work on things for the sake of our family, but the other part feels broken. I don't want to keep living a lie. I'm 32 and he's 35. Our baby is 15 months old. I feel so lost.
How can I move forward from this? Is it even worth it?
Cheating and can you get over it
DEIDRE SAYS: Learning that your partner has been having an affair during such a vulnerable time is devastating, and for him to continue the fling after promising that he would end it only adds to the pain.
Trust, once broken, is incredibly hard to rebuild, especially when the betrayal is repeated.
Ask yourself what you truly want – not just for your relationship, but for yourself and your child.
You've already shown great strength in trying to work through it, but unless he pulls out all the stops now to show his remorse and determination to improve things, I'm afraid you do need to consider if it's time to leave this relationship.
You may need more counselling, either together or individually, to help process what's happened and consider if you would be best going your separate ways. Contact tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960).
My support pack, Cheating – Can You Get Over It?, can also help you decide whether to walk away or not.
HELP ME FIND A MAN WHO WANTS MORE THAN ROMPS
DEAR DEIDRE: WHY do men only want me for one thing? I get my hopes up, only to find they were never serious about me in the first place and it's all about sex.
I'm a 62-year-old woman, I've never married, don't have children and have spent most of my life alone.
Five years ago, I was left devastated after someone I truly cared for used me for sex. I was heartbroken and swore I would never go through that pain again.
Now, I've started seeing someone I actually like. He's funny, attentive and romantic – and I was beginning to trust him. But then I noticed he's friends with loads of attractive women on Facebook.
To make matters worse, a friend found him on a dating website known for hook-ups. I feel like a fool for opening my heart again, and I can't help but think the worst.
I'm sick of being used. How can I tell if this is real or if I'm just another stop along the way?
DEIDRE SAYS: It's completely natural to feel wary after being hurt, especially when someone you trusted shows signs that bring back old fears.
Before jumping to conclusions, have an honest talk with him about what you've found and how it makes you feel.
If his answers don't reassure you, or he continues to behave inconsistently, don't be afraid to walk away.
My support pack, Finding The Right Partner, will help you recognise red flags and build healthier relationships.
DEAR DEIDRE: I'M trapped in a constant battle where food feels like my comfort and my curse.
No matter what I do, I can't control my eating habits and it's making my life a misery.
I'm a 34-year-old man and I've had a difficult relationship with food ever since I was a teenager.
Lately, stress at work and feeling lonely in my personal life have made me feel more out of control. I'm scared I'm damaging my health, physically and mentally.
Most evenings, I eat to the point of discomfort – packs of biscuits, family-sized bags of crisps, takeaways, whatever I can get my hands on.
It's like I'm using food to fill a gap I can't explain.
I've gained a lot of weight and constantly feel low. I hate what I see in the mirror.
I've never told anyone because I'm ashamed and scared they'll just think I'm weak or lack self-control.
I'm desperate for help.
DEIDRE SAYS: Struggling with binge eating can feel overwhelming, but know that you're not alone.
Many people use food to cope with stress or emotional pain, and breaking the cycle often takes time and support.
It's important to be kind to yourself and seek help.
Organisations like beateatingdisorders.org.uk (0808 801 0677) offer specialist guidance for eating disorders.
My support pack, Eating Disorders, should help too.
LIFE OF FAILURE HAS LEFT ME FUMING
DEAR DEIDRE: HOW can I stop being furious at the world? For as long as I can remember, life has felt like one long uphill battle.
I struggle to make close friends and romantic relationships fall apart before they even begin.
I'm 33 and have watched everyone my age fall in love, find jobs they care about, travel the world and build meaningful lives, while I'm stuck in a constant loop of failure and frustration.
My career hasn't taken off and I feel like I've never really belonged anywhere. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to catch a break.
Every rejection and failure just chips away at me. Lately, the frustration has turned to real anger. I constantly snap at people over small things and feel like I'm always on the verge of blowing up.
It feels like I was dealt a bad hand, and sometimes I wonder if things will ever get better or if I'm destined to feel this way for ever.
DEIDRE SAYS: It's totally understandable to feel overwhelmed and angry when life seems to throw one setback after another at you.
Feeling targeted by the universe is a common reaction when things don't go your way, but remember, these things don't define your future.
Anger can be a powerful emotion, but holding on to it can stop you from making the necessary changes.
Try to channel that frustration into small, positive steps — whether it's seeking support from a counsellor, finding new activities to meet people or setting manageable goals.
Talking to someone impartial could help you unpack what's behind this frustration. Contact mind.org.uk (0300 123 3393) or bacp.co.uk to find a qualified counsellor near you.
My support pack, Managing Anger, should also help you.
Hashtags
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
BBC News
an hour ago
- BBC News
Beloved Nottingham tram cat returns home for the final time
The memorial of a cat at a tram stop where he frequently cuddled up to commuters has now been returned to his former owners in an apparent "stroke of luck".Benton, a black and white moggy, became well-known for visiting the Inham Road tram stop in Chilwell, Nottinghamshire, before he died in Express Transit (NET) subsequently added a poster about him to the stop's information board at the Ginny Hicks, the cat's owner, spotted an tram worker while travelling to work last month, who mentioned it would soon be taken down. "She struck up a conversation with him," her daughter, Steph Hicks said."They offered really quickly to give [Benton's memorial] back to her and arranged it all... but if she hadn't been going to work at that time on that day, it might not of happened." The "sociable" feline was found as a stray by the Hicks' family when he was a four-month-old kitten, after almost being hit by a bus in ingratiated himself with the local community thereafter by visiting the Inham Road tram stop "pretty much every day".Steph said: "He was a really big personality, even for a cat. He'd just go down there all the time, because he was smart enough to know that there's people that are going to be staying still there."If there was somebody out on the street, he wanted to be their friend."Since he's been gone, we end up speaking to people about him and his memory, complete strangers, bonding over the memories of Benton." The memorial of Benton was formally delivered back to the family on 3 June."We're very touched by all of this, it just kind of feels like it's come full circle with him coming home," Steph an alternative to the memorial, information about Benton and a collage of pictures has been added to the tram stop's web page."So it's a bit bittersweet, because obviously we still miss Benton, but knowing that he was so loved, its a nice feeling."According to Steph, NET needed to change the information board because it was "outdated", and there was no room to keep the memorial poster on the new version."[We're] completely fine with that. We feel really cared for by NET and the lovely gestures that they've done there," she said.
BBC News
an hour ago
- BBC News
Thamesmead residents concerned cladding remediation not enough
Residents of eight tower blocks in Thamesmead have said they are frustrated that work to replace the "high fire risk" cladding was "only half finished".Royal Artillery Quays (RAQ) residents say they have campaigned for more than half a decade to make their homes safe after several investigations identified defects that posed a serious fire engineering firm Urban Change gave the buildings a high fire risk rating in 2022, primarily due to the "poor workmanship" it identified in the installation of the external wall insulation (EWI) Developments, the original developer, said work to remediate the external wall problems would begin this month. The Local Democracy Reporting Service (LDRS) said Urban Change found fire break fixings were missing, not regularly spaced and made of plastic and not steel, making them more susceptible to failure if exposed to fire. The investigation also discovered the expanded polystyrene (EPS) render system in the EWI was not thick enough, with the report stating it "could lead to early exposure of the combustible insulation to fire".The works to be undertaken by Barratt Developments, who built the complex in 2002, are based on the recommendations of the report and have recently been approved by the Building Safety Regulator (BSR).A Barratt spokesperson said: "We remain committed to remediating any fire safety issues identified in the original construction of the buildings, at no cost to leaseholders." 'Internal defects' The LDRS said RAQ residents remained concerned no plan to remedy problems found in the complex's internal walls had been property manager Rendall & Rittner commissioned fire safety inspectors to conduct a fire stopping survey at three of the eight tower blocks in 2019 which found areas did not meet minimum statutory resident George Boyd said: "Disturbingly, fire safety reports highlight the serious nature of these internal defects, even suggesting the possibility of prosecutions in the event of a fire."Mr Boyd said he also feared the external wall remediation work would not go far enough as Urban Change stated only the first two storeys of aluminium corner panels on the fire escape staircases would need to be replaced, despite the insulation of these panels having a Euroclass rating of E, the second most combustible rating in the fire class Change said: "The other corner panels higher up the stair core are not being replaced as there are no ignition sources externally or internally." 'Ensure action is taken' Steve Day, chair of RAQ, has been critical of Greenwich Council for not backing residents' claims that Barratt breached building regulations during the development's construction more than 20 years Day referred to an email seen by the LDRS sent to him by a Greenwich councillor on 22 April which said: "There is no evidence to suggest the works were in breach of the building regulations applicable at the time of construction."In response to Barratt's announcement the regulator approved the EWI remediation work, a Greenwich Council spokesperson said: "We believe strongly that everyone in Royal Greenwich should have a safe and secure home."Royal Artillery Quays is a private development, and its cladding is the developer's responsibility. We will continue to engage with residents and stakeholders as appropriate to ensure necessary action is taken."
Daily Mail
an hour ago
- Daily Mail
Beauty expert ROSIE GREEN reveals the must-have products to tackle your hot-weather dilemmas - from a patchy tan to greasy skin and frazzled hair
My legs are too blotchy to inflict on the public, help! I hear you. I've always had limbs more 'corned beef' than 'honey dipped'. My genetic misfortune is now exacerbated by age-induced dryness, dullness, sun damage and thread veins. How to make them bare-able? A simple combination of massage plus lotion will make them look 50 per cent smoother and more youthful. In truth any product will do, but if you want to maximise results try a body serum. New to the UK is Uni 24-Hour Body Serum (below, £43, Expensive, but I cannot overstate how divine this smells (it's the cedar, juniper and sandalwood blend) and how perfect the consistency is. It sinks straight in to leave skin plumped and dewy. A cheaper option is the just launched Vaseline Gluta-Hya Serum-in-Lotion, which comes in three iterations: Dewy Radiance, Overnight Radiance Repair and Flawless Glow (around £7 each, It promises skin-transforming results in five days – and reader, it delivers. Once skin is primed, invest in a faux glow. My tried and tested classics are Gatineau Golden Glow Gradual Tan (from £22, and Garnier Summer Body Gradual Tan Lotion (£12, Using a mitt will minimise patchiness. If you need more coverage, seek out Mac Studio Face and Body Radiant Sheer Foundation (£35, or Sally Hansen Airbrush Legs Instant Tan Spray (£13.99, which hides pretty much anything. Uni 24-Hour Body Serum £43 Shop It's sandal season and my feet are unsightly You don't say what is causing offence, but let's talk hobbit feet and hairy toes. I use my Venus Facial Dermaplaning Trimmer Hair Remover (£27, to whisk away knuckle tufts. If your heels are prone to fissures, I love Bare Feet By Margaret Dabbs Crack Sealer (£9, It forms a transparent protective barrier that helps seal splits, locking in moisture and leaving heels looking much prettier. My mosquito bites swell up to a gargantuan size Nobody wants to accessorise their summer look with disfiguring red lumps. If you react badly to insect bites then a trick I learned on photo shoots is to take precautionary antihistamines every day of your trip. Also apply bug repellent liberally, but remember the solvents cause varnish to smudge so avoid contact with your nails if you have a manicure. Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour HydraPlay 2-in-1 Daily Cleanser £22 Shop When the temperature climbs, I'm afflicted by shine There's glowy and there's greasy. To avoid the latter, prep skin with a purifying cleanser. I like the new Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour HydraPlay 2-in-1 Daily Cleanser (above, £22, which uses pink kaolin clay to control oil without stripping the skin. Then try Murad Superactive Moisturizer SPF 40 Mattifying Oil + Pore Control (£45, This updated sunscreen formula includes oil-trapping microspheres, which help soak up the slick and blur blemishes, as well as reducing sebum production and enlarged pores in the long term. Finally, invest in Tatcha Aburatorigami Japanese Blotting Papers (£12, Useful on the go, just press them on the skin (over or under make-up) to soak up sheen. On holiday my hair looks like wire wool For those with non-compliant frizzy hair, here are some strategies. I often have a blow-dry pre-trip and eke it out with dry shampoo. I rate luxe-y brand Ouai's Super Dry Shampoo (below, £26, which comes in two new scents: Melrose Place and Cape Town (available from Friday). This approach obviously involves swimming doggy paddle to avoid wetting your hair, so if that's not your style try spritzing pre-beach with Pantene Sunkiss Glow Leave-In Spray (£12, a UV- protective treatment that smooths the cuticle, controls frizz and enhances shine. Then slick back and rock the wet look during the day. Pre-dinner, wash it out and you're guaranteed smoother, shinier hair. Ouai Super Dry Shampoo £26 Shop I often get flushed on hot days – how do I tone down redness? A dermatologist once told me that running your wrists under cold water is effective for quickly reducing your body temperature and thus calming pink cheeks. But if you want to conceal more persistent redness, try blending a little Erborian CC Red Correct (£19, Or use a gradual tan. I like Three Warriors Hydra Bronze Tanning Drops (£33, which can be added to your usual moisturiser and works beautifully to even out skin tone.
