Attention, budding writers: Ian Rankin has bad news for you
(Hmmm. So it's NOT like learning to juggle bean bags or riding a penny-farthing, muses the Diary…)
Fire down below
The Diary is a great supporter of Glasgow's night life, in much the same way as we have always fancied traipsing after that Virgil bloke for a jaunt through Dante's inferno.
We recently reported that a chap was spotted outside Central Station, shorn of both dignity and trousers, as he lay in a drunken slump, cradled by the comforting bosom of the gutter.
'That's nothing,' says reader Diana Kerr. 'I was in the town centre one evening and spotted a young lady wearing an actual flak jacket, with the words PRESS emblazoned across the front.'
Possibly a quirky fashion accessary, or perhaps a way of surviving a night of robust revelries, Diana admits she wasn't entirely sure.
'I've always suspected Glasgow city centre is a war zone,' she says, 'maybe this is confirming evidence…'
Nicola Munro says: 'I assumed this door led to a maternity ward, though apparently not.' (Image: Contributed)
Noises off
And if you think the nightlife is bad, wait until we tell you about Glasgow's day life.
It certainly ain't day-lightful, that's for sure.
Dean Tasker was in a café on West Nile Street trying to enjoy a splash of coffee and a side-order of tranquillity.
The coffee was on tap. Unfortunately the joint was all out of tranquillity, because some chap at another table was hunched over a muffin, chomping and schlomping and burping with every bite.
This went on for an unendurable five minutes, until another patron of the café leaned over and hissed to the indecorous fellow: 'Eating a muffin's not like The Archers. It isn't a radio play, y'know.'
Silence ensued… and tranquillity sashayed through the door.
A singular notion
Now that this column has got to grips with words such as "a", "the", and "hingmy", we're eager to expand our vocabulary up to the point where we can almost form whole sentences.
David Donaldson is on a similar quest, and recently stumbled upon the word for people with a single name… mononymous.
'This being the case,' muses David, 'are people with exceptionally silly names moronymous?'
Loopy lingo
More language games.
Mark Taylor says: 'Who ever came up with the spelling of receipt was an idiopt.'
Tree-mendously indolent
'My mother-in-law called me lazy when she visited yesterday,' says reader Charles Penn. 'On the plus side, she took down the Christmas tree.'
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