Therapist raises alarm bells over controversial 'speed dumping' dating trend - as people say it 'gives me anxiety'

Daily Mail​

4 days ago

Singletons have warned against a controversial break-up trend called speed dumping.
Modern dating isn't for the faint-hearted, with trends such as 'ghosting' - where daters disappear without a trace or explanation - becoming prevalent around the globe.
But now there's a new trend that sees people doing the exact opposite and being upfront with their one-time love interest - though not everyone agrees it's better, or, crucially, kinder.
The approach, known as speed dumping, typically occurs within short-term relationships, after a couple of dates or even after the first meeting.
'Speed dumping is a modern phenomenon replacing ghosting,' therapist and founder of Thought Reader Phil Macleod told the Daily Mail, adding, 'It is a quick and direct break-up, usually over social media or text message.'
Having decided that their match wasn't for them, the disappointed party will rush to confidently tell the other person exactly that, while remembering to sign off their message politely with well wishes.
An example might be: 'It was lovely to meet you and I think you're a great person. I had a wonderful time with you, but I don't think we're compatible in the long term. I wish you all the best!'
While the move has met a mixed reception online, some have embraced the trend. For instance, one person responded to an Instagram post on the trend by claiming: 'It's called being an adult!'
A second person added in the comment section: 'We're going full circle in learning how to be civil in dating'.
While a third said: 'A million times better than ghosting. A little communication, via text or call, goes a long way.'
Over on global discussion platform Reddit, the 'DatingOverSixty' subreddit took up the subject of speed dumping, with one person admitting: 'I'd much rather get the 'No' text rather than being ghosted. Not hearing gives me anxiety.'
Yet, while it might appear to be an 'adult' or 'civil' approach compared to the more cowardly ghosting, speed dumping has equally been dubbed performative or, more damningly, an ego trip.
Indeed, while these apparently straightforward and gracious messages are considered sincere by some, others see them as defensive or a way of saving face.
Hannah George, a nutrition assistant from New York, explained that while she was in the habit of sending text messages after subpar dates, she was put out by one she received from a man she'd only met once.
The 24-year-old's date didn't simply say he didn't wish to see her again but rather explained that spending time with his family had made him nervous and convinced him that he couldn't be with her.
'I thought it was a little bit too long, you didn't mean this much to me,' Hannah told the Wall Street Journal.
Another woman revealed that she was irritated after having received 'not interested' messages from a string of men she'd been out with just once - men that she had no intention of pursuing anyway.
Brand strategist Fiona Duerr told the publication: 'It's almost like who can get to it first. Why reject someone when they were not even asking to be rejected?'
At the same time, some people online appeared to be repelled by the idea of speed dumping, with one person writing: 'I'm never going to do this and I do not want anyone to do this for me'.
Therapist Phil Macleod believes that, at least in some cases, speed dumping may 'come from a place of deep anxiety, trauma or fear of being hurt themselves.'
Eager to point out that partners in long-term relationships sometimes deploy the same tactic of simply sending a message to break up rather than engaging in a conversation, Phil added that speed dumping may equally indicate 'a lack of emotional literacy'.
He said: 'As society becomes more digitally connected but emotionally distanced, communication has become faster, more transactional, and less personal.
'People now often communicate in short bursts - text messages, emojis, and disappearing messages - rather than face-to-face or through meaningful conversation.
'This shift makes it easier to send a quick goodbye than to engage in a difficult dialogue.'
Highlighting the fact that humans crave closure 'and like everything to be emotionally tidy,' he argues that speed dumping skips over that completely.
He added: 'From a therapeutic standpoint, it reveals a troubling lack of emotional literacy. We aren't being taught how to end things with empathy - or how to have difficult conversations.'
It comes after dating experts issued a warning over the controversial 'cookie-jarring' dating trend - as people labelled it 'gross'.
The trend, which first originated in 2019, refers to the practice of dating a person you've put in a reserve position while you're dating someone else, in order to keep your options open.
And it seems to have made a comeback for 2025, with more and more singletons taking to social media to express their concern that they've been 'cookie-jarred' by a potential partner - in the UK and beyond.
If things aren't going well with their first option, people might 'dip back into' the cookie jar to explore their other options - with no real intent of pursuing anything long term.
As a result, daters are seeing multiple people at one time, leading to confusion for all parties involved.
People have been left horrified by the trend, with some calling it 'gross' and 'disgusting', but others noted it's been 'going on since time began' and is just 'part of dating'.
Dating experts have also warned against the trend - saying those taking part will just 'shoot themselves in the foot' in the future.
Positive Psychology Coach Arrezo Azim shared on TikTok: 'Let's be honest, you're keeping them on the side because you want to have somebody else as back-up in case this doesn't work out.