I'm about to have my 3rd kid. This is the advice I'm giving myself.

Yahoo

6 days ago

"Your kid isn't just getting a new sibling — they're getting a total life shake-up."
Welcoming a new baby when you already have other children comes with its own joys and challenges. There's the excitement of having another child to love, plus a lot more experience under your belt. But your attention as parents is pulled in multiple directions, and sibling rivalry may rear its head. As your home becomes busier and noisier, that adjustment can feel a bit overwhelming for everyone. With the right preparation, however, the initial chaos can become an opportunity to grow together as a family.
In the ninth episode of their podcast, After Bedtime With Big Little Feelings, Big Little Feelings founders Deena Margolin, a child therapist specializing in interpersonal neurobiology, and Kristin Gallant, a parenting coach with a background in maternal and child education, talk about how having another child affects your family dynamic and how to get ready for this big change. In this edition of Yahoo's "" column, Margolin — who is herself expecting her third child — gives advice on how to prepare older kids for the arrival of a new sibling. She also shares the three key conversations to have with your partner, children and family ahead of time.
When a new baby arrives, the entire family system reorganizes. Psychologists call this a normative crisis — a totally expected, but major disruption to family structure and roles. It's not just adding a baby. It's subtracting predictability, control and often sleep. Everyone's sense of place gets shaken up, and that can cause stress (and growth). Suddenly, the house that was running on a (semi) functional routine is now fueled by baby poop, two-hour sleep stretches and trying to figure out when you can shower again. The whole system tilts.
And as it does, expect things like: your toddler starting to act like the baby (hello, potty regressions and demands to 'hold me!' 24/7); you and your partner playing 'Who's more tired?' like it's a competitive sport; and you questioning if you're 'doing enough' for everyone (newsflash: you are).
But here's your empowering reframe: It's not a breakdown — it's a rebirth. For your family. For your identity. For your relationships. The dynamics will change, and they should. You're not going back to how things were. You're building something new. And that's not scary, that's powerful.
How can parents prepare older siblings for the arrival of a new baby?
Here's the deal: Your kid isn't just getting a new sibling — they're getting a total life shake-up. And without prep? That 'bundle of joy' shows up, and your toddler's like, 'Return to sender. Immediately.' So let's flip the script before the jealousy, tantrums or regressions hit.
My No. 1 tip: Use books, shows and dolls to play it out. Pretend the doll is crying. Ask your kid what they think the baby needs. Let them 'help.' This isn't just cute — it's how little brains process big stuff. The more familiar this whole new 'baby life' feels, the less overwhelming and scary it'll feel once it's happening in real life. And that means fewer meltdowns, tantrums and unwanted behavior for you!
Talking about the baby early and often also helps. Not in a 'you're gonna be a big brother, yay!' way, but in a 'this will feel exciting and really different' way. Be real and be repetitive. It means preparing them for what life with a new baby might look like. For example, try explaining that 'babies cry a lot because they don't know how to use words yet. We help them feel safe until they grow their words — just like we helped you.'
Once the baby arrives, enlist older siblings as helpers by giving them a job to do. 'Alright! Baby needs a new outfit. Do you want to pick?' You're not replacing them — you're giving them a powerful new position and setting them up to feel really proud and special. It's about helping them feel safe, seen and still important in a totally new family dynamic.
Although it's easy to 'blame' the baby for your not being as widely available to your other children as you used to be, that can create resentment. Here's what to do instead: Rather than saying things like, 'I can't play with you right now because I'm feeding the baby' or 'Shhh!!!! The baby is napping!' use words that don't make baby the reason we can't have any fun. For example: 'I would love to play with you — I just need five minutes. What do you want to play?' Or: 'It's quiet time in the house. What quiet game should we play together?'
How can parents manage the guilt or anxiety that comes with dividing attention among multiple kids?
Ah yes … the guilt. That sneaky voice whispering, 'You're not doing enough for your firstborn. You're failing. Everyone's going to need therapy.' Let's get this straight: Feeling guilty doesn't mean you're failing. It means you care. It means you're deeply invested in doing right by your kids, which, ironically, is proof that you already are.
Here's the reframe: You're not supposed to split yourself into perfect thirds. You're meant to show up in little, consistent bursts of presence. Research shows that short moments of attuned attention, even just 10 minutes, create the secure attachment kids need. Not constant entertainment. Not equal time. Just enough 'I see you' to fill their cup. Let us shout this from the rooftops: You are not a bad parent because you can't give everyone 100% of you all the time. You are a human. It's not possible and shouldn't be your goal.
Here's how to quiet the guilt spiral:
Name the feelings. 'This feels hard because I care so much about both of them.' That's not failure — that's love.
Shift your measurement. Don't measure your parenting in hours; measure it in tiny moments of connection. A 10-minute cuddle. A wink across the room. A whispered, 'I see you, and I love you so much, just as you are.'
Trust the big picture. Your love doesn't shrink with another child — it stretches. And you're teaching your kids something priceless: how to make room for each other, how to wait, how to work as a team and navigate things together.
Yes, it's messy and loud. It'll sometimes feel like someone's always crying (maybe it's you). But it's not a failure. It's a family in transition, and you're doing it. And lastly? The hard chapters don't last forever. You change, the dynamics change, your kids change — it's hard to remember that in the tough moments. But it's true.
What conversations should families have before a new baby arrives to feel like a team?
This isn't just about prepping your hospital bag. It's about prepping your people — your partner, your kids, your support system. Otherwise, you're the only one holding the weight of this massive transition.
Ask yourself: What does support actually look like for me? It might be: your partner handling 100% of toddler snacks, school runs and bedtime. Your mom or a friend helping with dishes, or friends setting up a meal train (people want to help you — let them!). And if you're a friend reading this, go more concrete rather than vague, so stuff like 'What's your fav coffee order?' or 'I'm going to drop off food this afternoon,' instead of 'Let me know if you need anything.'
In your family, the most important pre-baby conversations aren't about bassinets. They're about boundaries, expectations and who's doing what while you're recovering.
Here are three key talks to have:
With your partner: 'What does support look like for me and for us? I want you to lead, not ask. I need to be able to rest and recover, guilt-free. I need water and food before I'm a hungry, crying monster. You're on kid duty for the first two weeks. What do you need? How can we make a system that works for us both?' Figuring it all out ahead of time — before you're in the chaos — is a game changer.
With your village: 'Want to help? Amazing. Here's how: meals, dishes, take the toddler to the park. No visitors unless invited.' Adapt it to exactly what you want. The more explicit, the more effective. And don't forget: Your people love you and want to help. Let them! You're not a burden. This is a unique, short amount of time in the grand scheme of life. Lean in.
With your kids: 'Things will feel different for a while. The first week or two, we'll do lots of resting together — you can always snuggle with me. I just won't be able to walk a lot as my body gets better. So if you need snacks, help with going potty or anything else, Daddy will be the main helper. It won't be forever, just at first. And I always love you — that will never change!' You can adapt this to be what you want to express.
Being flexible is also important. Set the expectation: 'If something's not working, we will pivot together.' You're modeling how to handle change and how to stay connected through it.
Bottom line? Birth changes everything. But when you talk about it first, it doesn't break everything. It builds something deeper. More honest. More resilient. And that's a win for the whole family.
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