Small talk is good for you. Here's how to get better at it, according to experts
'Hello, how are you?' the stranger greets you. 'Good, and you?' might be your response.
Your conversation partner might proceed to talk to you about something trivial — the weather outside, the latest game, an annoyance during the morning commute or something silly the person's dog did that morning.
It's nothing that matters much, but you've suddenly found yourself participating in small talk.
Some people might dread the seemingly insignificant conversation or think it's not worth their time, while others may delight in the light exchange. In most cases, especially with strangers or acquaintances, small talk is unavoidable as both parties try to find common ground.
'It's communication that we use to orient and acquaint ourselves with other people, (and) it's the gateway to deeper, richer talk,' said Matt Abrahams, a lecturer in organizational behavior at Stanford Graduate School of Business. 'Chances are, somebody in your friendship group, if not more, you met through a small talk situation.'
For people without much practice in small talk, the challenge may feel daunting. But there are ways to get better at this form of communication. And it's worthwhile to try, as the exchanges can positively affect a person's overall well-being, Abrahams said.
Here's what experts want people to know about the benefits of small talk.
The benefits of small talk
People facing the prospect of small talk may put too much pressure on themselves to perform well when meeting someone for the first time. They also may worry about the daunting act of speaking spontaneously, which requires thinking on the spot and responding fast to keep the conversation going, said Abrahams, who hosts the podcast 'Think Fast, Talk Smart,' to share tips for strategic communication.
So why should you do it? Whether or not you seek out small talk or avoid it at all costs, research has shown that light conversations with people you don't know well can have beneficial effects on health and well-being, such as boosting your mood and decreasing your feelings of isolation.
'(Small talk) is something that we psychologists think is kind of fundamental. It's like (how) we need food, we need water — we need to feel like we belong and that we matter to other people,' said Dr. Gillian Sandstrom, an associate professor in the psychology of kindness at the UK's University of Sussex who has researched the effects of minimal social interactions.
Then-US Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy declared loneliness an epidemic in the United States in 2023. Daily loneliness affects 1 in 5 adults in the US, the highest level in two years, according to Gallup data from October.
By having a light conversation with an acquaintance or stranger, people can feel more connected with one another and have a stronger sense of community, said Sandstrom, whose research has shown that those who have more casual daily interactions, such as talking to a neighbor or a barista at a coffee shop, feel a greater sense of belonging.
'Talking to strangers can feel scary because we don't know what's going to happen, but also that's kind of exciting,' Sandstrom said. 'It's fun and it's nice to have some unexpected thing happen, where we learn something new or see a new perspective.'
How to become an expert at small talk
In some scenarios, such as an upcoming work or networking event, people can prepare ahead of time for the expected spontaneous conversations, said Dr. Sunita Sah, an organizational psychologist and professor of management and organizations at Cornell University in Ithaca, New York. Researching people ahead of time who you know will be at an event and planning questions to ask can help to alleviate nerves, Sah said.
In more spontaneous moments, there are tricks to making good conversation. The easiest method is to make an observation about your shared surroundings, which is why people often talk about the weather, or to ask people general questions to learn more about them, Sah said. (That's why people often ask if you did anything interesting over the weekend or if you have any vacation plans.)
This kind of conversation isn't a tennis match, where one needs to get the ball back to the other side of the court as fast as possible. Abrahams said he likes to think of this exchange more as a game of hacky sack — in which the goal is to be collaborative to keep the sack in the air.
'You have to coordinate with the other person, so I want to set you up, so then you can set me back up. It's about being interested, not interesting, and that mindset shift is important,' he said.
Sometimes slowing down and taking a beat before responding can reduce rambling and give more clarity and structure to an answer.
'People will feel in small talk and other spontaneous speaking situations that they have to respond immediately, (but) you can say, 'Give me a second to think about that.' Or you can ask a clarifying question that gives yourself time to think,' Abrahams added.
Like anything, small talk gets better with practice, Sandstrom said. If someone goes a long time without socializing in casual settings, small talk might seem scarier than it is.
In her research, Sandstrom found that the more people engage in small talk, the more confident they become in their social skills and the less worried they are about rejection, she said.
At the end of the day, small talk is meant to be lighthearted and enjoyable, and a little humor and compassion go a long way, Sah said.
'I personally really love small talk. I think it gives you lovely interactions with people throughout the day that you probably don't want to go deeper with,' Sah said. 'It really does build rapport and trust and some level of friendliness.
'In today's age where everybody can just revert to their phones or go days without speaking to someone, I think that small talk (helps) take away the loneliness aspect.'
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