3 Signs That You Thrive When You're Single, By A Psychologist

Forbes

6 hours ago

Singlehood isn't all good or all bad. It's a complex experience in a society that puts romantic ... More relationships on a pedestal. Despite this, here's how some people thrive in it.
Are you good at being single? While singlehood has its ups and downs for everyone, some people find it more difficult than the rest, while others find it a lot easier than being in a relationship.
So, what determines this relationship with singlehood? A new study published this June in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships offers us some answers. Researchers echo the sentiment that singlehood can be a complex experience, with both benefits and challenges, depending on your own perspective and social environment.
Researchers interviewed 11 single adults of diverse ages and ethnic backgrounds about these complexities, and gained three primary insights into how it impacts them.
Here are three signs that you find singlehood beneficial, more often than not, based on the study.
One belief that often impacts how we feel about singlehood is around the 'appropriate age' to be single. Driven by societal expectations, many people believe that there's a 'right' time to be single — when you're young and chasing ambitious career goals or self-development, but not when you're older. When you're older, it's suddenly cause for concern.
'Especially in the cultural background I come from, I would definitely say as soon as you finish what you think is education, so it could be a bachelor's or a master's, and then the second you go into a full-time job, then all of a sudden there's a switch…then you should be actively looking to end your singlehood,' explains Diya, a 23 year old participant from the study.
Our personal experiences and tendencies can fuel these feelings of inadequacy around singlehood. Recent research shows that about 78% of single adults tend to have an insecure attachment style, which is often characterized by either a strong need for reassurance or hyper-independence and a fear of vulnerability, abandonment and rejection.
This type of attachment style can shape one's self-esteem and ideas around worthiness and love. For many such individuals, singlehood appears to confirm their deepest fears of being unlovable or unwanted, even though that's not the case. This can be especially difficult for singles who seek a romantic partner, but haven't yet found one.
'I would definitely not be happy if I'm single and 50. At that point you should have some kids and (be) in a healthy relationship,' says Theo, a 28 year old participant from the June study.
The researchers found that as we get older, there's a tipping point that many people experience, where they either decide to wholly invest in their identity as a single person or focus on 'settling down' with someone. This can be an ongoing process through various life stages.
'I don't prefer being single, but if I have no choice then I'll be single and I'll be happy,' says Evelyn, a 43 year old participant from the study.
So, it appears that those who are aware of their worthiness of companionship, but tend to not impose timelines on themselves for when it's appropriate to find a partner, likely fare better at being single.
'Our findings highlight that singles could reduce the incongruency between single status and age expectations by viewing singlehood as a legitimate lifestyle choice that requires investment (e.g., investing in friendships or hobbies) and rebuff beliefs that romantic relationships are a necessary first step for certain life goals,' the researchers explain.
Researchers found that single participants often felt that a romantic connection happens at the expense of one's individual autonomy, and many struggled with balancing the need for both in their lives.
'Starting a relationship it's like 'hey I have limited time' because obviously I have work, I have family time, I have professional goals. I want to go to grad school. I love reading. I love doing my own thing,' mentions Carlos, a 24 year old participant from the study.
Many single people feel torn between retaining the autonomy they believe singlehood offers them and wanting the deep sense of connection they believe only a romantic partner can bring them.
'I feel like in a relationship (with a) partner it's much more close together (than) with friends and family. (A romantic) someone that you could turn to and talk to – that is deeper and more intimate than just friends and family,' says Sean, another 24 year old participant from the study.
However, research shows that relationships actually thrive when both partners experience autonomy in their connection, and singlehood does not have to mean a lack of deep connection either. In fact, many single people have deeply fulfilling platonic relationships, and this love and support is invaluable.
A 2021 study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that single people who experience greater satisfaction in their friendships also experience greater satisfaction with singlehood.
For many, singlehood offers the opportunity to invest more time and energy into sustaining these relationships, which is, in turn, beneficial to their own well-being. So, a strong support system and fulfilling connections play a crucial role in finding joy in singlehood.
Many single people struggle with the societal pressure to find a partner. To find solace in singlehood, researchers suggest that they must consciously and unconsciously reject these norms.
Many participants reported being reminded of their singlehood indirectly, due to their social environments.
'In group (chats) it's all about (people) in marriages or they're pregnant or they bought a house with their partner. I think that for me at least (it) emphasizes my singlehood,' says Nicole, a 32 year old participant from the study.
Other participants recalled how people around them made direct comments about their singlehood, treating it as a phase that must end, rather than a completely natural and acceptable path of life.
Martin, a 56 year old participant who was divorced, highlighted how this played out in his social circles. '(Work colleagues) once in a while get into the subject 'well you want me to introduce (you) to my friend?' … there is a little bit of maybe we should help him,' he explains.
'My mother in the beginning was saying 'well you should remarry you shouldn't be alone,' but as (the) years passed she kind of stopped asking. Once in a while she asks am I still alone, (and) yes I am still alone, (and) once in a while she would kind of say something — 'well this isn't good you should find someone,' Martin adds.
Being single in a society that glamorizes romantic love is no easy feat, but it can be deeply liberating and fulfilling to many, especially those who break free of the confines of social expectations around relationships.
There is nothing deficient, unnatural or pitiful about being single, as we're often led to believe. In fact, a healthy relationship with singlehood indicates a deeply healthy relationship with yourself. And whether you're single or partnered, the knowledge that a romantic relationship isn't the be-all and end-all of your life can truly set you free.
Does a fear of being single ever keep you up at night? Take this science-backed test to find out how you're faring: Fear Of Being Single Scale