16 Phrases Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Saying to an Oldest Daughter

Yahoo

23-07-2025

16 Phrases Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Saying to an Oldest Daughter originally appeared on Parade.
Eldest Daughter Syndrome (EDS) may not be a clinical diagnosis. However, many women felt seen when the term trended on social media last year. EDS refers to the experience of having unique—and often age-inappropriate—responsibilities and expectations placed on . Even with all we know about gender norms and stereotypes, psychologists warn that these beliefs are still alive and well today."Parents and grandparents may communicate differently with the oldest daughter because they may view the oldest daughter as the 'second matriarch' of the family," warns Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., the co-founder of Phoenix Health. "Some families may view the oldest daughter as more mature and capable than other siblings and therefore speak to her more like a peer rather than a child."(Not so) Good 'ole cultural norms are largely to blame for these expectations, and they can manifest in daily conversations with this child. For this reason, psychologists are urging parents and grandparents to daughters. They also share the one, simple phrase that oldest girls need to hear most.Related:
16 Phrases To Avoid With Eldest Daughters, According to Psychologists
1. "Why did you let your sibling do that?"
, a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks, says this phrase usually references maturity and responsibility that an eldest daughter does not own."Yes, as an older sibling, it seems natural to expect that person to chip in at times, but the reality is, the oldest daughter is not a parent and does not need to have parentified roles or expectations," she says.She suggests pausing before using this phrase to ensure that it falls within the "scope" of sibling-hood. "Why did you let your sibling do that?" may fit if the daughter told their younger brother to draw on themselves in permanent marker, knowing that it went against house rules. However, it wouldn't meet the moment if a younger sibling jumped off the couch while a parent was doomscrolling in another room.Related:
2. "Can you help your sibling with that?"
Again, context matters here. Sometimes, this phrase is empowering. Other times, it misplaces responsibility."While encouraging a child to help their siblings from time to time is important, relying too much on older daughters to care for their younger siblings puts them in the role of a surrogate parent," Dr. Guarnotta says.She adds that the blurred line between sibling and parent can negatively affect an oldest daughter's relationship with their sibling and caregivers.
3. "Help me with the little ones."
And other times, parents and grandparents don't bother to ask the oldest daughter to help. They just tell them. Once again, this phrase puts a child into a "junior Mom" role, and it has the potential for long-term harm rather than empowerment."She then understands that her worth is tied to helping and love comes with being useful," reveals Dr. Gayle MacBride, Ph.D., LP, a psychologist with Veritas Psychology Partners. "She then may focus on this and not her own developmental journey."Related:
4. "Be a good example."
This one is well-intentioned, but Dr. MacBride says it gives the eldest daughter the impression she has little room for error."She now has learned that her role is not just to grow and learn, but she has to do it perfectly because she is the example that someone else is going to copy off of," she explains. "Her mistakes are not personal, but they are on display for others."
5. "Be a good girl."
It may sound like a valid request to some, but it has a nails-on-a-chalkboard effect for at least one psychologist."'Be a good girl' quickly becomes loaded, especially for the child who already feels pressure to be calm, pleasing and responsible," explains . "It subtly implies that goodness is tied to behavior, and that mistakes or boundary-setting make her somehow bad."She prefers, "Make kind choices," which is less likely to set off a lifetime of chasing perfection.Related:
6. "You ought to know better."
Your eldest daughter is not David Coulier (who is widely believed to be the inspiration for Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know")."The assumption here is that older equals wiser, but these are kids and not 'mini-adults,'" Dr. MacBride says. "Give all kids the grace to grow at their own pace." Danny Tanner and Uncle Joey would approve of this message.
7. "This gives you good practice with what it's like to be a wife and a mom."
This one is loaded with a capital L."These comments infer an expectation that your daughter will marry and have children," Dr. Smith says.She reports that your daughter may alsowant that for herself, and it may happen. However, she may envision and even choose another path because she doesn't want that, all while hearing these phrases on repeat. As a result, she may start to doubt herself and fear disappointing her loved ones.Related: 18 Phrases To Use With Your Adult Kids That Will Transform Your Relationship, According to Psychologists
8. "You're so grown up."
It's not quite the compliment people think it is."This phrase is actually starting to rob a child of her childhood," Dr. MacBride reveals. "We say this and then give ourselves permission to offload more responsibility onto the child. It can create pressure for her to become an adult more quickly than she feels capable."Related:
9. "You're so smart."
You may be surprised to see this one here, and it's proof that even well-meaning parents and grandparents have blind spots."While meant as praise, this statement can reinforce a fixed mindset, suggesting that intelligence is something she is rather than something she builds," Dr. Todey says. "Instead, I coach parents to cultivate a growth mindset by reinforcing effort, encouraging mistakes and failure as part of the learning process."She recommends praising a child's hard work, persistence and curiosity so that they embrace challenges rather than avoid them, thereby overcoming their fear of mistakes.Related:
10. "Don't be so sensitive."
Remember, emotions are human."This phrase is very invalidating and communicates that her feelings are 'too much,'" Dr. Guarnotta says. "As an adult, she might have a hard time trusting her own emotional responses. It can lead her to suppress her feelings and hinder her ability to express herself in a healthy way."Related:
11. "Stop being dramatic."
In related news, this phrase can also promote emotional suppression."For oldest daughters who are frequently expected to keep it together, this invalidation can create confusion and emotional shutdown," Dr. Todey says. "I recommend helping children build emotional awareness by teaching them to evaluate the size of the problem and reflect on whether their reaction matches the situation."She notes that the goal isn't to downplay big feelings but to give girls tools to help them understand how to cope without shaming themselves. For instance, dropping a cracker on the floor may be upsetting, but it's fixable and learning to take a deep breath in frustrating moments is a good life skill.Related:
12. "You're stronger than that."
Dr. Todey says parents often use this one during meltdowns."Parents may mean it as encouragement, but it unintentionally shames vulnerability," she warns. "For the daughter who's already trying to be emotionally regulated, this statement can unintentionally imply that feelings make you weak."Instead she suggests using the phrase, "This is hard, and you can do it." This phrase is encouraging and validating.
13. "Let it go."
Unless you're having a Frozen karaoke session, delete this one from your rotation (Bonus points for discussing how the flick's oldest daughter, Elsa's, parents, however well-meaning, caused harm by locking her away for her powers)."Comments like this one do not permit space for normative emotions when their younger sibling is problematic and has a negative impact," Dr. Smith says. "This comment sends the message that the oldest daughter is 'just' supposed to 'put up' with problematic behavior, which can instill norms and expectations that are detrimental to other areas of the daughter's life presently and as she grows up."Related:
14. "I don't worry about you."
This sounds like praise, but it doesn't land that way."It signals that her needs aren't a priority or urgent," Dr. MacBride says. "Being low maintenance just teaches you that your needs don't matter."
15. "You've always been the responsible one."
No pressure, right?"This phrase can lock her into a rigid role and make her feel like her worth is tied to taking care of others," Dr. Guarnotta says. "As an adult, she might have a hard time relaxing, delegating and accepting help from others."Related:
16. "You are my rock."
Dr. MacBride doesn't think it's fair for parents and grandparents to say this phrase to the oldest daughter—or any child or grandchild, for that matter."Often, the oldest daughter can become the confidant for her mother, as if she is supposed to be her mother's emotional support," she shares. "This is another opportunity for her to learn that she is responsible for making others happy and taking care of their feelings."Related:
The #1 Phrase Eldest Daughters Need To Hear
The oldest daughter could really use a reminder that "It's OK to make mistakes.""This gives her permission to be a child and not carry the weight of the world on her shoulders," Dr. Guarnotta says. "It reminds her that life is a learning process and she is loved for who she is, rather than what she does for others."Dr. MacBride agrees."I think it's important to counteract the messaging that oldest daughters get from parents, grandparents, and even media with a reminder that it's 'OK to not be OK' and that someone is there to help them with that," she shares. "These girls need a place where their feelings are validated and someone can see that life is messy, but none of that is contingent on whether they are loved, validated or respected."Up Next:Sources:
Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., co-founder of Phoenix Health
Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks
Dr. Gayle MacBride, Ph.D., LP, a psychologist with Veritas Psychology Partners
Dr. Amy Kincaid Todey, Ph.D., a psychologist
16 Phrases Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Saying to an Oldest Daughter first appeared on Parade on Jul 22, 2025
This story was originally reported by Parade on Jul 22, 2025, where it first appeared.