Partners in Pride: A new generation of LGBTQ couples juggling parenthood, life and law in Hong Kong

HKFP

15 hours ago

This feature is the second in HKFP's Partners in Pride series, which looks at how same-sex couples navigate life, death and everything in between ahead of the government's October deadline to enact a framework to recognise same-sex partnerships. Read the first story, about same-sex couples' journey to parenthood through IVF, surrogacy and adoption, here.
Whether it's a quick trip to a supermarket or a doctor's visit, lesbian couple Sakura and Ed – and their two-year-old daughter, Anya – are constantly turning heads.
'Once, we were at a department store and the cashier heard [my daughter] call my wife 'mom,'' Sakura told HKFP in Cantonese. 'The cashier then asked who I was, and I said I was her mom too.'
'Her mouth hung open, and she was shocked. She didn't know what to say,' Sakura said.
Such interactions are common for Sakura and Ed, both in their late 30s. They are part of a new generation of same-sex couples living their parenthood dreams in Hong Kong.
Sakura and Ed, as well as other same-sex couples interviewed for this story, asked to use pseudonyms for themselves and their children due to privacy concerns.
Activists say that only in recent years have more same-sex couples in the city been having children.
For the older members of the LGBTQ community, settling down and having children with a same-sex partner seemed a remote possibility because many struggled to accept their sexual orientations and come out to their families, they said.
Barry Lee, chairperson of Grey and Pride, an NGO supporting middle-aged and elderly gay men, said that in the group's 10-year history, it has not met anybody married to a same-sex partner or who has had children with one.
Many are closeted, he said. Some are still in heterosexual marriages, and among the divorced, few enter long-term same-sex relationships.
'They are scared to come out because they fear it would affect their family,' Lee told HKFP in Cantonese.
In comparison, people now are more open to expressing themselves because they feel society is more accepting, he said.
'We see same-sex couples holding hands in public, and at LGBTQ events, people show their faces and are not hiding behind a mask,' Lee added.
Before having children, members of the LGBTQ community usually have to meet certain milestones, which are hard to achieve when one senses stigma in society, said Francis Tang, founder of the NGO Gay Harmony.
'First, you have to be at peace with yourself and others around you,' Tang said in Cantonese. 'Only then can you really be in a relationship and think about starting a family.'
Minority within minority
LGBTQ parents are a minority within a minority in Hong Kong, where same-sex marriage is not recognised and strict reproductive laws make it hard for same-sex couples to have children.
Assisted reproduction treatments, like in vitro fertilisation (IVF), are restricted to people who are heterosexual and married.
Commercial surrogacy – often the only option for male gay couples – and reproductive treatments involving buying a gamete or embryo are illegal, even if done abroad. The laws are a rare case of Hong Kong legislation governing acts abroad.
The laws have not stopped some same-sex couples from seeking reproductive treatment overseas.
Sakura and Ed underwent IVF in North America in 2021, with Sakura carrying the baby. At the time, they did not know any other same-sex parents in the city, so they joined a Facebook group called 'Rainbow Families in Hong Kong.'
They are also in a WhatsApp group for same-sex parents, with most of their children in their toddler years.
'There are over 100 parents in the group,' Sakura said. 'It's quite a mixed culture. There are locals and expatriates from different countries.'
Guardianship
Family lawyers told HKFP that while enquiries from same-sex parents – and prospective parents – were virtually non-existent four or five years ago, they now receive between three and eight a year.
The clients ask how they can safeguard their parental rights, as under Hong Kong law, only one parent might be regarded as the legal parent.
Family lawyer Jocelyn Tsao helps same-sex parents arrange guardianship deeds and wills so the non-legal parent can become the child's legal guardian if the legal parent passes away.
Another document, a deed of temporary guardianship, allows the non-legal parent to act for the child when the legal parent is absent. This could be useful if the non-legal parent encounters problems at schools or hospitals due to questions raised about their relationship with their child.
'Theoretically speaking, the [non-legal parent] has no custody or parental rights over the child,' Tsao said.
Most same-sex parents HKFP spoke to said they have never encountered anyone who doubts their relationship with their child. But Peter, a gay father, said he was stopped in March from making an appointment for his son, Lucas, at a public hospital.
Peter and his husband, Mark, adopted four-year-old Lucas in Hong Kong in February, giving a younger brother to Emma, their five-year-old daughter, who was born through an altruistic surrogacy arrangement in the UK.
Since Hong Kong does not recognise same-sex marriage, only one member of a same-sex couple can apply as a solo applicant for adoption, and that person will be the adoptive parent.
Because Mark was the only one who applied for adoption, he is considered to be Lucas' sole legal parent. (In contrast, Emma has a UK birth certificate with both her fathers' names.)
Peter said that he explained their family situation to the hospital. 'They asked me to bring a letter signed by Mark allowing me to act for Lucas,' he recalled.
Mark has since written a letter and made multiple copies. Peter now carries the letter with his son's medical and school documents, just in case.
'Mark works a lot, so sometimes I am worried that if something happens and he is not around, and a decision needs to be made, I'm not 100 per cent sure what would happen,' he said.
'Kind of offensive'
Beyond legal issues, a more day-to-day challenge is raising a child in a city where LGBTQ families remain largely invisible.
All the couples interviewed by HKFP said they believed they were the only same-sex parents at their school. The schools did not treat them any differently, they said. But their children's classmates could be a different story.
Trevor and Frank, who are from Canada, adopted their daughter, Alexandra, at birth in Ontario before coming to Hong Kong over a decade ago.
Alexandra, now 12, goes to an international school.
Some of her classmates have said it was 'cool' that she has two fathers. But there have been times when she came home feeling bothered.
'When she was younger, kids just asked if it was true she had two dads,' Trevor said. 'But as she got older, they said more uneducated things.'
Her schoolmates have asked Alexandra if her fathers 'act gay' or do 'sus' stuff. She said some questions were asked out of curiosity, but some were 'kind of offensive.'
'I don't think it's intentionally homophobic,' Trevor said. 'They're just kids. It's more like a lack of exposure.'
The other parents, whose children are still of kindergarten age or younger, told HKFP they were not aware of any insensitive comments at school, but wanted to get ahead of that.
Janet, who has a three-year-old daughter with her wife Katie through IVF in the US, said they often talk to her about different family structures.
'We talked to her about Frozen,' she said, referring to the Disney film, 'and showed her that this is Elsa's father, this is her mother, and this is her sister.'
Then, 'we talked about her friend who is raised by a single mother and has a domestic helper,' Janet said in Cantonese.
'And we told her our family consists of two mothers and her,' she added. 'I think it's very normal for her. She doesn't think anything is missing, just that our family is a little different.'
Other LGBTQ parents also have similar conversations with their children, often using books to explain their unique family situations.
Peter and Mark read a picture book about Ellie the Elephant and her two dads to their children. Alexandra still keeps the children's book, A Tale of Two Daddies, part of a rotation of bedtime stories that her fathers used to read to her.
Slow progress
Hong Kong's small but growing community of LGBTQ families emerges at a time when the city is awaiting a framework recognising same-sex partnerships, as ordered by a landmark top court judgment in 2023.
There have also been other court rulings in recent years in favour of the LGBTQ community, including same-sex parents. In 2023, the High Court recognised the non-birth mother of a child born via reciprocal IVF as a parent 'at common law.'
In 2021, a separated lesbian couple received a guardianship order from the High Court. Guardianship orders differ from guardianship deeds as they afford rights to the non-legal parent at all times, not only when the legal parent is absent.
Lawyers say they hope to see same-sex parents granted the rights that heterosexual parents have under the impending framework. While guardianship arrangements are sufficient for day-to-day needs, they expire once a child comes of age.
'The whole idea of guardianship is what an adult can do over the child,' family lawyer Wong Hiu-chong said. 'After the child's 18th birthday, legally, there is no relationship at all.'
There is no definitive way for both parents in a same-sex relationship to establish a lifelong parental relationship with their child that is recognised by law. The city's Parent and Child Ordinance is gender-specific, setting out the terms 'father' and 'mother' in its text, Wong added.
And even if the non-legal parent is appointed a guardian, the child may not be entitled to inheritance, as that right only applies if the person is recognised in law as the child of the deceased.
Trevor and Frank said they were not too optimistic about the future legal framework, saying it was 'worrying' that the government had not conducted any public consultation.
The Legislative Council no longer has opposition lawmakers since an electoral reform in 2021 required those in office to be 'patriots.' Most pro-establishment lawmakers oppose LGBTQ rights, arguing that a husband and wife provide 'more adequate support' to families and can reduce 'behavioural deviations.'
Still, Trevor and Frank acknowledged that progress had been made – albeit slowly. When the couple arrived in Hong Kong in 2015 after Frank's move here for work, Trevor could not get a dependent visa.
That changed in 2018, when the top court ruled that granting dependent visas.
'Culture takes time to change and evolve,' Frank said.
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