He cheated, we broke up. Now, his life looks different. Should we try again?
Amy and T.J.,
My ex and I dated for five years before we broke up. He cheated on me with my colleague. I was rightfully upset. We had even started to talk about a future and marriage. So I didn't want to give him a second chance.
But now, it's been two years, and I'm considering going back to him. He seems to have made real improvements in his life. He finally has a job, he bought an apartment and he even has a pet now. I'm not sure how he managed to get his life in order so quickly, but I'm happy for him.
I do think I miss him, and I've noticed he's been looking at my social media pages a lot. He's liked almost every single post I've made. Maybe that means something? Should I go back to him or is it a waste of time?T.J. Holmes: All he did was like your posts? You're reading tea leaves. Calm down.
Amy Robach: Is he wanting to get back together with you? Are you taking a stab at it?
AR: Should you go back to him? My answer is no. You broke up for a reason, and I don't believe that someone cheats out of the blue. It obviously spoke to the quality of your relationship. I don't know what changed so dramatically about him, or what you think changed so dramatically about him. You were dating for five years and just starting to talk about marriage, and he didn't have a job? Now he might be able to pay his bills, but he's still the same person you broke up with. The same person it wasn't working out with. How are things going to change?
TH: I think you might be making excuses for wanting him back. I don't think you know who he is now. Who have you been dating since you and he broke up? Who is he dating? Have you been sitting around waiting for him for two years? And now you think he's improved because he's got a f***ing pet, and now he's cool? I don't think anything that you know of has actually changed about this man.
AR: That said, if you really still have feelings for him and have been pining away for him for the past two years, then you should be direct and ask him to meet up. See how it feels. But I wouldn't have any expectations that things would be any different now than they were then.
Maybe you're feeling lonely, or you're thinking about your biological clock ticking. You might be wondering if he was your last, best option. I think a lot of people love the idea of having a partner, a teammate to go through life with, and it's almost less important who the person is, as long as it's a person you can picture in that idea of a relationship with. But you have to be willing to accept all the bad that comes with the good. And sometimes, that's a matter of experience and maturity. If I were trying to figure this out, I would make a list of pros and cons: all the things that I didn't like about our relationship, and all the things I did like. Really take a good, long look at that list and know what you would be getting into. I would never tell someone not to give love another chance, but go into it with open eyes. Don't wear rose-colored glasses or view the situation through an Instagram filter.
TH: I think you're looking for positives when you look at his social media. Job, apartment, pet — OK, welcome to adulthood, big deal!
AR: I think you have very low expectations of what is good enough for you.
TH: You should raise your own standards. And force somebody to meet them. You can do better than that. You sound like a young person. You're going to be OK. But do not settle for a guy who just does the basics.
It sounds like now, he's the guy that you wanted in the beginning. But he might not be the guy who wants you at this point. You might not be attracted to each other at this point. It's been two years — you might not be the same people you were at all. But you can handle this today. If you're into him, there's no harm in reaching out and saying, 'Hello, I've noticed that you liked all my posts. I wonder how things have been going for you? Would you like to have a conversation or go grab a coffee at some point? I'd love to do so.' If he says 'yes,' let's see what happens. If he says 'no, we are done,' move on.
TH: Stop following him on social media. That's step one. I know it sounds extreme, but think of it like this: Would you try to quit drinking while you've got a full bar in your house? You get that stuff out of there.
AR: Just remember that there was a reason you broke up in the first place. Really try to remember that. Either ask him to coffee and see what happens, or delete everything. This middle ground? That's the worst. Inaction or limbo — that is suffering right there. Make a decision either way and then accept it.
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