Not everyone wants kids. 5 women open up about the decision to be child-free.
'I have so many reasons that I find it's always a different one that flies out of my mouth,' the 36-year-old tells Yahoo Life. "If it's someone I'm very close with, I'll give them a deep, multi-level answer. If it's someone like a patient, I usually give a brief, kind of silly answer like, 'Well, I just went to Paris for three nights for my birthday, and I'm going to South Africa next month. I have no interest in giving that up.''
There are myriad reasons why a person might not have children (all of which are, quite frankly, no one's business). In a recent Yahoo News/YouGov poll of 1,597 U.S. adults conducted last month, 43% of respondents said they don't have children. Of that number, 19% cited concerns for the future of the planet, and 32% attributed the decision to cost. And then there are those who, like Bari, are choosing to be child-free ... well, because they just don't want to. More than a quarter (26%) of the poll respondents who didn't have kids said it's because they 'prefer life as it is,' and 25% answered, 'I'd rather just not' have children.
'Even when I was little, when we would play school or house or whatever, I was always the 'professional,'' L.M., a Brooklyn-based hair stylist, tells Yahoo Life. 'Being pregnant was very weird to me. My friend would put a pillow up her shirt, and it really freaked me out.'
She says there was a fleeting period — a 'blip,' she calls it — where she thought she might want to have kids but ultimately found that it was not something she needed to find fulfillment.
'I sat down with myself on a serious level and thought, Would raising a functional member of society fulfill me? and [realized] that no, it's not something that brings me joy,' L.M. says. She recalls 'having that clear thought of like, This is not something that drives me when there are all these other things in life that do.'
For Bari, the decision to be child-free came later. 'I actually used to really want kids in my late teens and early 20s,' she shares. Seeing the people closest to her become parents is what ultimately sealed the deal.
'I watched the day-to-day of their lives and their anxieties grow,' she says. 'A co-worker told me that on her first Mother's Day, she sat in her car alone and drank coffee for an hour, and it was all she could have wanted. I knew that wasn't for me.'
The choice not to have kids is a personal one, but that doesn't stop some people in these women's lives from forming (and sharing) their unsolicited opinions. 'I got a lot of pushback, especially during the two years after my wedding,' Bari says. 'A (no longer) friend said to me, 'But you have to give your mom a grandbaby. You can't disappoint her.' I find that generally the people with the strongest opinions are the ones that know me the least.'
That judgment is not only reserved for those who have made a definitive decision ruling out kids but also for those whose perspectives on parenthood have evolved over the years. That was the case for 37-year-old Gryte V.
'I froze my eggs a few years ago to have the insurance in case I changed my mind,' Gryte tells Yahoo Life. 'I definitely had a friend question me. Like, 'If you froze your eggs, it means you do want kids.' It's weird to have people tell you what they think you want.'
Andrea C. was similarly questioned, in her case by her mother, after sharing that she no longer wanted to have kids. She had experienced two miscarriages in her first marriage, and her mom assumed that she would continue trying.
'She was stunned,' Andrea says. 'In her mind, she was like, 'But you tried to get pregnant before!' I think at the time I was just trying to fit in with society, and I didn't realize that not everyone fits in with those stereotypes.'
The women we spoke to have some theories about why there's still so much pushback about opting out of the mommy track.
'I think for so many years we've been taught this very narrow life path you're supposed to follow,' Gryte says. 'Getting married, buying a house, having a child ... it's one type of way of living, and it's really hard for people to challenge themselves and think about why they actually want kids. I think people can't have the imagination of not having kids and still having a fulfilling life.'
Bari echoes that sentiment. 'I think so many people just consider [parenthood] 'the next step' and don't even wonder what their lives could be like by staying child-free,' she says.
'I think people want other people to have similar experiences to them,' L. adds. 'To be able to relate. I think a lot of people can't step out of themselves and see someone else's perspective.'
And while unsolicited opinions can feel intrusive, Melissa M. says talking through the inner conflict of whether or not to have kids actually helped her find clarity. When she was in her early 30s, a good friend who was wrestling with those same doubts connected her to a therapist specializing in fertility mental health issues.
Was this a fear-based decision, or do I really not want to do it? Melissa, now 44, remembers her and her friend wondering at the time. 'I went to see [the therapist], and she was incredible. I ultimately realized that for me, it wasn't fear, it wasn't anger. It was just that I really didn't want to [be a mom], in the same way that I don't want a cat, or I don't want to go camping. It was a huge aha moment for me, coming to that conclusion.'
Melissa jokes that she now has 'a home that looks HGTV-ready at all times' and that 'no one has peed on me recently.' Indeed, a feeling of freedom is a sentiment expressed across the board for these child-free women. Silence. Using the bathroom alone. The freedom to travel, to sleep! Not to mention, the space, time, energy and commitment that being child-free allows them to offer the other children in their lives.
'I have beautiful nieces and nephews,' Melissa says. 'We adore them. We get to be the bougie auntie and uncle and do all the ridiculous things, we get to be ... the cool friends for our friend's kids. You get to fill all those roles, do all those things. It's just a different life.'
'I love kids,' L. agrees. 'I will snuggle the s*** out of a baby, but I want to be able to give them back.' She's also uneasy about the current state of the world. 'If I had children, the anxiety I would feel about what we're leaving is terrifying, and I have that thought for my friends' kids, for my nephews. But I don't have it for myself.'
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