‘We helped our son buy his home, but his ex-wife kept it'

Telegraph

30-07-2025

Do you have a legal question to put to Gary? Email [e-mail] or use the form at the bottom of the page.
Dear Gary,
I am enquiring about my son's recent acrimonious divorce. After three years of legal wrangling, it was finalised, but not in my view in a way that is fair.
My son felt worn down by the process and pressured to accept a settlement very much in favour of his ex-wife. He did this so he can move on with his life and to preserve his mental wellbeing.
My husband and I have supported our son through his marriage and aftermath both emotionally and financially. We contributed significantly to his first home and, later, gave a further substantial sum via a deed of variation on my late mother's will to help purchase the former matrimonial property.
Despite this, the settlement agreed has given 70pc of the equity in the home to his ex-wife. She made no financial contribution and did not do so during the marriage.
My son is paying the full mortgage despite not living in the house. He also attends to repairs and maintenance. The property is up for sale but is attracting little interest.
My son wishes to lower the asking price to the figure named in the divorce settlement. However, his ex-wife refuses. Can she block this? And indeed, with everything that's happened, is there anything my son can do to challenge the unfair divorce agreement?
He's also paying spousal maintenance and child costs. He's emotionally drained and, frankly, low. We're worried for his well-being and the apparent injustice of it all.
– Ruth, by email
Dear Ruth,
I am sorry to hear about your son's experience. Clearly divorce is difficult for the couple at the centre of it. But it is often overlooked how distressing it can be for interested onlookers like parents. And you having made a financial contribution to the marriage pot is also tricky for you when that pot is divided up in a manner beyond your control.
In England and Wales, financial settlements made in divorce proceedings are intended to be final. Once agreed by the parties (usually through their lawyers), they go to court for approval by a judge and become legally binding. That means your son cannot revisit the entire agreement simply because it now seems unfair, unless he can demonstrate one of a very limited number of legal grounds.
With respect to you, I must also say that a settlement which appears one-sided, or which was accepted under emotional strain, is not necessarily invalid. Courts expect both parties to have received legal advice and to weigh the risks of settlement. If your son had legal representation and signed willingly – even if reluctantly – the chances of undoing the agreement are slim. Indeed, the rationale you give that he signed 'to move on with his life' is a valid one, which in no way undermines the validity of the decision.
Despite film and TV dramas portraying otherwise, a common outcome of litigation – and especially divorce cases – are not one party celebrating victory over the other, but rather two disappointed parties having to learn to live with a changed situation.
To appeal the financial settlement, your son must show that either there was fraud or misrepresentation, or there was material non-disclosure (for example, one party hiding assets), or there has been a supervening event (a so-called 'Barder event') that fundamentally undermines the basis of the settlement.
A Barder event (named after the 1987 case Barder v Barder) refers to a significant and unforeseen change of circumstances occurring shortly after a settlement is made that invalidates the assumptions upon which the court's decision was based. Classic examples include a party dying or a dramatic financial collapse.
Sadly, the courts apply this doctrine narrowly and mental distress or regret do not meet the threshold. That said, if your son's ex-wife is deliberately obstructing the house sale and thereby undermining the financial basis of the settlement, this may amount to grounds for a variation or enforcement application. Not a full appeal, but a possible course of action.
If the divorce settlement includes an agreement that the house should be sold, and sets a minimum price or mechanism for marketing the property, then both parties must act in good faith to achieve that sale.
If your son's ex-wife is unreasonably refusing to agree to a realistic market price, she may be in breach of the order. In that case, your son could apply to the family court for an order to enforce the original court order. Or he could ask for the court to appoint a trustee to take over the sale.
The practical difficulty, of course, is that further legal action means further cost – both financial and emotional. But if the situation becomes untenable, it may be necessary, and just threatening this to his ex-wife may force her hand.
The sums you and your husband gave as gifts, including the money passed from your late mother's estate via a deed of variation, were significant. However, in English law, such contributions are generally treated as part of the matrimonial pot unless clearly ring-fenced or loaned with formal documentation.
It is deeply frustrating for generous parents to see their support swallowed up in a financial settlement. But courts often prioritise needs – in this case, the needs of young children to have a home – over tracing the origin of funds. Had the gifts been structured as loans or protected by a declaration of trust, they might have been treated differently. It's scant consolation now, but worth bearing in mind for others in similar positions.
The impact of ongoing financial obligations – mortgage, maintenance, and child support – is clearly weighing heavily on your son. If he is struggling with mental health, he could contact organisations such as Both Parents Matter, which support separated families.
In some circumstances, it may be possible to apply for a variation of spousal maintenance, particularly if your son's financial circumstances have deteriorated. This again would require a court application, but it's worth discussing with a solicitor if things become unsustainable.
Above all, encourage your son to look after his own wellbeing – and yours. He is lucky to have you in his corner, but sometimes moving on is a better route than fighting on.