‘Most people cheat because they want an emotional connection, not sex'

Telegraph

15-04-2025

Ever since Helen dumped her husband Menelaus and ran off with Paris to Troy, humans have been fascinated by stories of infidelity. Betrayal in a relationship triggers shame, judgment, and for those watching from the outside, scurrilous gossip.
Celebrity affairs generate tabloid column inches, the office fling is a water cooler favourite. We all love a hero and a villain. And yet there are always two sides to every story. Or in the case of infidelity, three, or even four.
These perspectives are what the television presenter and relationship therapist Anna Williamson would like us to think about more, as she tries to normalise conversations about why so many are unfaithful.
In The Affair, her new eight-part podcast, she has taken a bold look at infidelity, stripping away judgment and giving a voice to every side of the story. Each episode deep dives into the story of a real affair, but from the point of view of the different protagonists; the person having the affair and the person being cheated on.
'Infidelity is something we very rarely talk about and it's steeped in stigma. One in five people admit to having an affair. That is a huge amount of people and yet it's a topic so shrouded in taboo, judgment and shame,' says the 43-year-old.
People are fascinated by affairs, she says, because they've either been involved in one, or they haven't and are curious about it and wonder what it might be like.
Williamson hasn't experienced infidelity herself, apart from one brief boyfriend in her 20s who was perhaps less exclusive than he made out. That experience made her very aware: 'If I'm going to be with someone, I have to make sure they are very available.'
Happily married for 10 years now with two children, her career as a therapist has spanned the intimately private clinic setting to the entertainingly public. As a 'dating agent' on the E4 reality show Celebs Go Dating, since 2019 she has helped single celebrities, drawn mostly from the reality TV world, find true love with non-celebrity partners.
Now she wants to 'smash this stigma around infidelity being one size fits all. Every story is unique.'
While she doesn't condone adultery, underpinning Williamson's work as a therapist is the concept of unconditional positive regard (UPR). Developed by American psychologist Stanley Standal in 1954, UPR means accepting and valuing another person, regardless of their thoughts, feelings or behaviours, without judgment.
It is not her job to be judgmental, but rather to understand what is going on for those people and how they can move forward in their lives.
'No one is saying it's OK, but we're not finger pointing either. Infidelity has been happening since the dawn of time, so why not understand it a bit more? In doing so, we might save some relationships. I see so many relationships that could have not gone down that route and are paying the price of that pain.'
Here, Anna addresses some of the key questions around infidelity.
Why do people cheat?
The reason that Williamson has overwhelmingly encountered is seeking emotional validation. 'It wasn't just the physical side of things. Historically that's been the stigma, that cheating on someone is about having a quick shag in the corner.'
And of course it is for some people. Williamson says she certainly found some people happy to admit that. But more often it was the emotional side of things.
'Typically it's when a relationship is becoming unfulfilling. Most people that I spoke to said that they had deep and meaningful conversations with their affair partner and they all described having that connection and something so much more meaningful than a quick wham bam thank you ma'am. They were very enmeshed in those affairs.'
Who has affairs?
There really is no one type. It is something that occurs across all age groups and demographics. The unifying characteristic is that they are people who feel a need that isn't being met in their current situation that could be met by an external source.
Although Anna emphasises there is no one type of affair, either.
'Some people suffer from low self esteem or trauma backgrounds that have led them to seek validation from someone. For others it was pure escapism from the absolute horrors they were having to deal with in their day to day life.'
Statistically men are more likely to cheat than women but Williamson thinks that is a societal reason rather than a biological difference.
'It's not significantly more but men are typically more prone to cheating and that comes from a generational thing. Several generations ago men were allowed to cheat. It was almost a rite of passage.
'It's only since women have had more equal rights that they've started to cheat on their own terms as well now. There's not much difference between the two now I would say.'
However, for the podcast she had more women willing to talk. 'For the second series I would love more men to come forward and talk about their experiences. We don't want to flog you through the streets. We just want to understand.'
Living with the guilt
Williamson may want to rewrite the narrative that all people who have affairs are bad. However there is no denying that the subterfuge involved requires bad behaviour.
Something she found fascinating while talking to her contributors was that those involved in having the affairs felt quite able to compartmentalise what they are doing. 'They were able to box off the wife or the husband. They were able to apply 'out of sight, out of mind'. Some could almost vilify that person to help them justify the actions they were doing.'
But on the whole, most spoke of guilt. 'They had terrible negative emotions around having an affair.'
Affairs are not associated with rational logical behaviour. 'Adrenaline, cortisol and dopamine, all these love and stress hormones, keep the affair exciting a lot of the time.'
As a result they kick start feelings that may have been left dormant in a relationship that is struggling. 'Of everybody I spoke to, there is absolutely remorse with hindsight of how they could have done things better and differently,' says Williamson. 'But equally some people have learnt a lot from being involved in an affair.'
Can a relationship survive?
From her work with couples in a clinical setting, Williamson knows many can come through infidelity and go on to have a good relationship as a result of it. 'But you have to put the work in,' she says.
A happy outcome isn't impossible, but there will always be collateral damage along the way.
'As a couples therapist I've seen many relationships come through infidelity, but there has to be some key ingredients there. There has to be complete and utter truth, honesty and remorse.'
Do we need to be more forgiving?
This is very much in the control of the person who has been affected by the affair. In Williamson's experience there has to be no stone left unturned when it comes to purging that emotion on both sides before making a promise to rebuild that framework of a relationship.
Trust is something that every healthy relationship needs to have. 'It takes a lifetime to build trust and a second to break it.'
It can be rebuilt but it takes time and effort. The biggest red flag Williamson sees in a relationship that won't come back from an infidelity is when the person who has committed the affair does the initial apology and then says 'Well I've said sorry now, what more can I do?'
'What happens then is that the person who has been cheated on has not quite purged enough to be able to move on. So they will still be holding on to anger.'
Space must be given for a period of grieving or recalibrating. 'For all couples who are going through affairs, if they truly want to make it work they have to sit in that trench of pain together and allow that pain to be realised.'
Once the proper purging has taken place there has to be a mutual agreement to leave it there and move forward. 'It's a very difficult thing. Some people can't do it, and that's perfectly OK to come to that realisation,' says Anna.
The challenge for the person who has been cheated on is that once they have agreed to leave it in the past, it is essential it remains there. 'They can't bring it back up again and weaponise it in the future if another argument comes up.'
Prevention is better than cure
Communication is key to preventing an affair. The more you can communicate with your partner the more you will stay connected.
'It's when we start to not communicate properly. We start to perhaps accidentally shut our partner down not listen or be distracted that the cracks appear.
Emotional intimacy is just as important as physical intimacy. Check in with your partner and the status of your relationship. 'Ask is there anything we need to be doing more or less of?' says Williamson. 'That will keep things couple focused so that any temptations to seek solace elsewhere will hopefully be radically reduced.'