‘FOPO' is a dangerous habit most people don't realize they're partaking in — here's why experts call it a ‘hidden epidemic'
It's human nature to care about what other people think — but letting this fear control your day-to-day can be an incredibly damaging habit that some experts believe is a constrictor of human potential.
Psychologist Michael Gervais came up with the FOPO concept — which he describes as a 'hidden epidemic' — and says that people who suffer from it 'lose faith and confidence in themselves and their performance suffers,' according to Forbes.
FOPO can cause someone to have low self-esteem and self-confidence.
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FOPO is 'primarily an anticipatory mechanism that we use, and it's a preemptive process to increase our acceptance in the eyes of others and for us to try to avoid rejection,' Gervais told HuffPost.
'And it's characterized mostly by a hypervigilance and social readiness — and what we end up doing is we scan our world for approval.'
What he means is that more and more people are comparing themselves to others and seeking validation from the outside world — which ultimately causes someone to devalue themselves.
Of course, social media — a way people seek approval from others through likes and comments — doesn't help either.
'And it's not so much about what's best for you anymore, it feels like what's maybe best for how others will perceive you,' Aparna Sagaram, a licensed marriage and family therapist, told HuffPost.
Several examples can help you identify if you're living life with FOPO, according to Gervais.
Experts believe most people suffer from FOPO without even realizing it.
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Pretending you watched a movie or TV show others are discussing, laughing at jokes that you don't find humor in, feeling anxious that you're taking too long to order at a cafe when there is a line behind you and not wanting to leave work before your boss does are just a few.
If you're checking off the boxes, realizing you suffer from FOPO, Gervais told Forbes that the first step in combating it is to have a 'clear sense of purpose.'
'With FOPO, we develop a built-in mechanism to check outside ourselves to see if everything is okay. We give an inordinate amount of weight to what someone else may or may not be thinking about us,' he said.
It's all about rewiring your brain, so instead of wondering, 'What does that person think of me?' 'We can rewire that mechanism to turn inward and check against our purpose. 'Am I being true to my purpose?' becomes the new reference point rather than 'Am I being liked?''
In addition to all of these damaging effects, having FOPO is also exhausting.
'FOPO burns a lot of our internal resources,' he told Forbes.
And it's another thing — among many — that can lead to burnout.
'The more authentic you are, the easier it is to show up in a competent way,' Sagaram said in the HuffPost interview.
'And if you show up more competently, you're less likely to care about what others think because you feel so secure with yourself.'
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'Anyone who tells you they never went through it either hasn't been together long enough or they're lying to themselves,' Zohar said. However, it can be much more difficult for certain people than for others, depending on a bunch of factors. The power struggle 'is often intensified by past trauma, insecure attachment patterns and temperament traits like high emotional reactivity, impulsivity or low distress tolerance,' Spears said. 'Attachment styles, particularly in couples where one partner is more anxious and the other is avoidant can lead to a power struggle.' If you're chronically offline and/or not a therapist, here's a quick guide to the different attachment styles so you can better make sense of the following. 'People with secure attachment navigate this more smoothly because they can disagree without thinking the relationship is ending,' Zohar said. 'But if you're anxiously attached, the first time your partner needs space might send you into a panic spiral. If you're avoidant, you might start planning your exit strategy the moment conflict feels too intense.' Your personal history, such as your cultural background and any experience of trauma, can also inform how strongly you feel the power struggle, as can unrealistic expectations of love. 'The couples who struggle most are usually the ones who think love should be easy,' Zohar said. 'They've bought into the idea that if you're 'meant to be,' you shouldn't have to work at it. That's Disney thinking, and it'll sabotage your relationship faster than anything else.' You and your partner can navigate the power struggle with grace (and without breaking up!). Knowing that there is life (and, well, healthy love) on the other side of the power struggle is an amazing starting point for not throwing in the towel at this stage. 'Most couples give up because they feel like they made the wrong choice and there is no way to make it better,' Rabbi Slatkin said. 'If they realized that the power struggle was for the purpose of growth and healing, and that the very issues they are confronting are proof they are in the right relationship because of the childhood connection, they will be able to get through it more effectively.' From there, all they need is the right tools. The goal is to move through points of contention in your relationship in a way that makes both you and your partner feel 'seen, heard and honored,' as Morala puts it. 'The first step is for each partner to identify their role within the 'dance,' who tends to pursue, who tends to shut down and what underlying fears are fueling those roles,' Spears said. 'Helping couples to gain awareness of the power imbalance, how it impacts the relationship and is reinforced in the dynamic between them is necessary to start the process of implementing change.' Spears explains that it's crucial for both partners to foster understanding of — and compassion for — each other's perspective, even if they disagree. From there, they can work together to find a way to move forward that works for both of them. Meanwhile, Morala said that you should avoid looking too much at what other people are doing in their relationships and focus instead on what works within yours. She also recommends picking up research-based books about relationships and seeking out couples' therapy so that you can see your relationship from a third party's perspective. What's the difference between a 'normal' power struggle and incompatibility? According to Zohar, the following are signs of a power struggle that's par for the course: 'You're both willing to examine your own role in conflicts, not just blame each other. There's underlying respect even when you're upset. You can repair after fights and actually feel closer. The conflicts are teaching you things about each other that help you understand them better. You're fighting about how to blend your lives together, not whether you want to be together at all.' On the other hand, Zohar said the following could be indications that you and your partner are incompatible, or that you'll need a lot of support if you want to continue the relationship: 'One or both of you refuses to take responsibility for anything, ever. You start attacking each other's character instead of addressing behaviors. The same issues cycle endlessly without any progress or learning. You feel like you're walking on eggshells constantly. Your core values are fundamentally incompatible.' With that said, both Rabbi Slatkin and Spears believe that as long as there's willingness, a relationship that's stuck in dysfunction can move past it. 'Couples who are stuck in a power struggle phase, even for years, can be successful in overcoming this,' Spears said. 'The main difference between couples who are masters vs. disasters, is the willingness to take accountability, recognize their dysfunctional patterns, commit to the process, and implement healthy communication tools.' Meanwhile, Rabbi Slatkin cautions that couples who break up during their power struggle phase without addressing the underlying patterns at play 'often attract a similar partner in the future.' Some couples stay in the power struggle phase forever — but you don't have to. Unlike the honeymoon phase, which has a pretty clearly defined expiry date (thanks to all those hormones swirling around), the power struggle 'lasts as long as you let it,' Zohar said. 'I've worked with couples who moved through this in six months, and others who've been stuck in this pattern for decades.' Spears explains that many people stay in this dysfunctional pattern because it's familiar, and they don't have the tools to move past it. 'The difference between couples who can't move past this phase and those who can, is the ability to externalize the issue as a relational problem, rather than blaming their partner,' Spears said. 'If couples can reframe from 'it's me vs. you' to 'it's us against this issue,' they can start to change the way they view their dynamic, and work with, instead of against one another.' If a couple can't do that, Morala said they are likely to 'get stuck having the same fight over and over again, have a pattern of 'avoid until explosion,' struggle with feeling content, loved, or safe in their relationship, or become more roommates than lovers.' It's important to note, though, that it's normal for people to fall back into old patterns under stress — even if they've moved past the power struggle stage in their partnership. 'Elements of the power struggle phase can come and go throughout the lifetime of the relationship because we evolve,' Morala said, 'unforeseen challenges present and life transitions happen.' Perhaps the most important characteristic of couples who can move past the power struggle is that 'they accept that some things about their partner will never change and they find ways to love them anyway,' Zohar said. 'That's not settling, that's maturity.' What's on the other side of the power struggle? As hard as the power struggle can be, it's so worth it once you get to the other side (as long as there are no real deal-breakers). 'This is where relationships get truly beautiful,' Zohar said. 'When you stop trying to mold each other into your perfect fantasy partner and start appreciating who they actually are, something magical happens.' At this point, you and your partner feel 'really known, with all your flaws and quirks and weird habits, and still chosen,' and you develop a huge amount of confidence in your relationship's resilience, according to Zohar. Love on the other side of the power struggle is beautiful AND that doesn't mean there's zero conflict. 'That's not peace, that's probably one person completely suppressing their needs to keep the other person comfortable,' Zohar said. 'Real love includes the mess, the disagreements, and the hard conversations.' Related... 9 Signs Your Relationship Isn't Worth Fighting For This Is The Exact Moment You 'Lose' A Fight With Your Partner, According To Couples Counselors 7 Simple Phrases That Can Instantly De-Escalate A Heated Argument Solve the daily Crossword
