4 things that emasculate men that really shouldn't

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4 hours ago

Confidence is calm and secure, not loud and defensive.
I grew up in a military culture that taught me important lessons about character and discipline. It also instilled a lot of toxic ideas about masculinity, and what being a man is and isn't.
My upbringing isn't all that different from that of many other men. We tend to cling to a number of bad preconceptions that hurt our happiness and relationships. Here are four.
The threat of a high earning partner
One of my good friends recently said, 'My wife can't make more money than me!'
She'd recently gotten a huge raise and went from making $10K less than him to making $20K more. I gave him a hard time about it, 'Weren't you just complaining about your marital finances? Isn't this raise a good thing?'
And as much as I'd like to sit here and say it would never bother me if my partner made more money, I don't know for certain that I'm totally immune. A big driver in the failure of my previous marriage was a differential gap in our earnings, with her making more money than me. It became a bone of contention (there is quite a bit of internalized sexism — even in women).
To be clear — this is largely a problem we guys have. We should be happy when our partner makes great money. But we still live in a society that pressures men to be providers and shames stay-at-home dads.
I may soon be tested. I've been fortunate and done well. But my partner is interviewing for a job that is going to double her salary. I'm super excited for her. It's a great opportunity and she's a very different partner than the prior one. We are already making jokes about her rent going up.
Side note: find someone you can laugh with. Shared laughter is powerfully correlated to happier relationships and better sex lives.
You are threatened by feminists and 'white knights'
There's an old satire article with the title, 'Male feminist wonders how many more women's meetings he needs to attend before getting laid.'
It's a funny poke at men who go around bragging about being male feminists. Yet for every proud male feminist, there are 10 dudes who get triggered by the mere mention of the word feminist. We tend to characterize people from opposing ideologies through cherry-picking. We pick one extreme version of that ideology and apply it to the masses. Which is how the term feminist has become such a weaponized word.
It's proven that if a woman identifies as a feminist, perceptions of her competence go up and friendliness goes down. There's a nagging stigma that she can't be good at her job and also a nice person.
At the most basic level, feminism is about establishing equal rights and opportunities for women — not equal outcomes. So take a chill pill dudes. They aren't trying to steal your mojo.
Good, giving, and game
I won't get too graphic here but many years ago, I asked my then-girlfriend if we could try something in the bedroom — and got made fun of for weeks afterward.
We did have a playful relationship but I suddenly felt afraid to make any new requests in the bedroom. I was afraid of being made to feel like a pervert. And it's stupid because, in hindsight, my request really wasn't even that extreme.
Nobody should feel shame for expressing sexual interests while in a loving consensual relationship. Shouting, 'Yuck! That's gross!' will just stifle communication and leave you feeling dissatisfied with each other.
I've found that women generally appreciate it when you emphasize your desire to be open and candid with them about everything. When you place that honesty as your leading driver for suggesting things, they'll want to protect that honesty and be more game to try stuff — or say no in a kind way.
Hell, women generally have a few kinks in their back pocket they'll want to suggest too. Reciprocity is everything.
One of my favorite relationship tips of all time is from sex columnist Dan Savage. He says that in the bedroom partners should aspire to be 'Good, giving, and game.'
Calm down, yes, there are gay people
I live in Florida and, while I do think it's a highly underappreciated state, there are still lingering social issues.
It still isn't safe to be gay in many parts of this state. There's a lot of angry dudes who somehow get triggered by the sight of two men holding hands. And look, I grew up in the 80s and 90s. The word gay was thrown around as a ubiquitous put-down term when someone was being annoying, stupid — or literally any bad thing.
As kids, we even played this popular but poorly-named ballgame called 'Smear The Queer'. You threw a football up in the air and whichever boy caught it, we all tackled. I still don't understand how anyone 'won' the game. To be clear, we really didn't understand the meaning of the term "queer" at that time. It was all based in innocent fun.
One day, our neighbor's dad came out to play with us. He said, 'Wait, what did you say the name was again?'
I said, 'Smear the queer!'
He grimaced, paused, and then said, 'I'm not sure how I feel about that name.'
My friend said, 'Can we call it smear the clown!?'
And that became the going name. But it's surprising this game (which was fairly ubiquitous in the US), lasted for so long with such a name. It's a small example of the lingering effects of homophobia.
Yes, my dudes, there are gay people. They don't bite or try to spontaneously have sex with you. And if their mere presence makes you shift in your seat, it might be time for therapy — or a boyfriend.
Reminder: Four things that emasculate men that really shouldn't
Your partner making more money (or being a stay-at-home dad).
Feminists wanting to have the same things.
Making requests in the bedroom. If you get made fun of, that's them being insensitive, not you.
Being around gay people.
Embrace these things. You'll be a better man for it. Confidence is calm, open, and secure, not loud and defensive.
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