How grandparenting-led caregiving give kids improved confidence and security

The Star

4 days ago

Nine years ago, Noresah Junsi, 59, opted for early retirement from her civil service duty.
She had imagined having time for herself – to travel, attend religious classes, enjoy coffee sessions with friends or simply rest, after dedicating much of her life to raising her four children alone.
But life had other plans.
Now, the single mother's days revolve around caring for her three grandchildren – aged three, seven and nine – at her home in Kampung Pandan, Kuala Lumpur.
'I've been babysitting them since they were born,' she says, eyes twinkling. 'It's been nine years.'
Every week, from Monday to Friday, her routine begins mid-morning when she picks up her youngest grandson from nursery.
At home, she bathes him, prepares his lunch and keeps him company as he slowly settles down for his afternoon nap.
Not long after, the older two return from school, have a quick lunch and head off again for their religious classes before returning later in the evening.
All three remain in her care until their parents arrive to fetch them after work.
Despite the full-day, full-time commitment, Noresah, who uses a pseudonym, has no complaints.
In fact, she embraces her role.
'What I love most is being able to give them my full attention and affection. It's wonderful to see them grow in a safe, happy environment.'
Still, she is quick to set the record straight: she didn't exactly sign up for the job. In fact, she admits to being a little hesitant initially, given her original retirement plan.
'My children reached out for help as they were still finding their footing as parents,' Noresah explains. 'But now, it has become my choice.'
'When I was working, I relied heavily on my late mother to care for my children. This feels like a chance for me to make up for that,' adds the divorcee. 'It's like coming full circle.'
The psychology behind the role
Clinical psychologist Dr Pamilia Lourdunathan says Noresah's story is not uncommon in Malaysia.
'It has increasingly become the norm,' she explains. 'With dual-income households and rising childcare costs, many parents naturally turn to the people they trust most – their own parents.'
In challenging family scenarios such as parental divorce, financial instability or emotional distress, grandparents often step in as a stable support system to safeguard the children's well-being.
But in cases like Noresah's, Pamilia says, grandparents take on caregiving roles willingly and wholeheartedly, motivated by love, a sense of purpose and the joy of staying connected to their grandchildren's lives.
'From a psychological standpoint, caregiving can be deeply fulfilling for older adults,' says Pamilia, who is also a lecturer at the International Islamic University Malaysia.
'It offers emotional connection, a renewed sense of purpose, and the joy of leaving a legacy.'
She draws on German-American child psychoanalyst Erik Erikson's psychosocial theory, which highlights that older adults seek meaning and reflection in the later stages of life.
'Caring for grandchildren provides that in a tangible and emotionally rewarding way,' she adds.
Pamilia says grandparent-led care offers unique advantages for kids. Photo: PAMILIA LOURDUNATHAN
Making the right choice
Pamilia points out that the sense of choice – or lack of it – can significantly affect a grandparent's mental health, emotional well-being and how sustainable the caregiving arrangement is over time.
How a grandparent feels about looking after their grandchildren – whether it's something they want to do or feel they have to – has a major impact on how they experience the role overall.
'Grandparents who choose to be involved often report greater happiness and fulfilment. It feels like a gift. But if they feel pressured into it – especially at the cost of their own plans or freedom – it can lead to resentment and fatigue,' she says.
Noresah is aware of this delicate balance and advises fellow grandparents who are considering caregiving, to ask themselves if they're truly capable.
'If yes, then it can be one of the most rewarding things in life – but it does require mental and physical resilience,' she adds.
The weight behind the joy
Noresah admits that caring for young children in a person's golden years can be physically and mentally demanding.
'Sometimes I miss out on meeting friends, attending events or even the daily morning walks at the nearby lake. Most of the time, I can only do them on weekends,' she says.
And when she has no choice but to attend an appointment on a working day, she has to plan ahead with her children.
'Sometimes, it feels like I'm asking for their permission to do something I need to do,' she admits.
The challenges, she says, usually come up when she has a doctor's appointment that takes a while, or if there are financial matters at the bank or other unavoidable emergencies.
'These things affect their working schedule and most of the time, I feel bad about putting them in that situation,' Noresah admits.
Pamilia agrees that grandparents often face hidden stress when they need to adjust their schedule.
'Even when caregiving is enjoyable, grandparents may find it challenging to establish limits, leading to burnout or strain on their own health and well-being.'
She says they may feel emotionally drained – especially when expectations are high – and many find it difficult to admit that their energy levels no longer match the demands of childcare.
Boundaries, she adds, are essential.
'Without clearly defined roles, grandparents risk becoming surrogate parents rather than supportive figures. This can create confusion not just for the children, but for the grandparents' own identity.'
Despite the love they have for their grandkid, Pamilia says says grandparents may also feel emotionally drained because their energy levels no longer match the demands of childcare. Photo: Freepik
Sense of security
But done well, Pamilia says, grandparent-led care offers unique advantages, especially for grandchildren.
'Grandparents bring patience, life experiences and emotional steadiness that help children feel secure. They are often more relaxed, creating a low-stress environment that supports holistic development,' she says.
With a second-round parenting perspective, grandparents can play a meaningful role in each stage of a child's life, from nurturing trust in infancy to encouraging imagination in early childhood and guiding moral thinking in adolescence.
However, she cautions that there are potential downsides.
'Different parenting styles between generations can send mixed messages. Children may struggle to know whose authority to follow, especially if the lines aren't clear,' she adds.
To ensure a healthy caregiving arrangement, Pamilia suggests families begin by clearly defining roles – being upfront about what grandparents are comfortable doing and what they are not.
It's equally important, she adds, to support the grandparents' autonomy, allowing them to say no without guilt.
Above all, she emphasises the need for open and respectful communication between parents and grandparents to help avoid misunderstandings and maintain mutual respect.
'At the end of the day,' she says, 'a sustainable arrangement is one that respects the needs of everyone involved; grandparents, parents and children.'
As for Noresah, she wouldn't change a thing.
'Looking after my grandchildren gives me joy. It's like a kind of therapy,' she says with a laugh.
'They are my comfort.'