I had sex with ex during rough patch with my boyfriend – and now I don't know who to choose
DEAR DEIDRE: I MOVED in with my parents to give me and my boyfriend some space to think about our relationship – but it's gone pear-shaped after I hooked up with an ex.
Now my head's in a mess and I don't know whether to stay with my current guy or try again with my former partner, who I have never stopped loving.
I have been with my fella for four years. We're both 31 and were going through a rough patch, so agreed to take a break. I went to my mum and dad's while he stayed in our flat.
During that time, an ex who I dated in my teens messaged me on Instagram. He's 33 and was asking what I was up to.
As soon as I saw his name, my heart skipped a beat. I'd cried a year earlier when I'd seen on his social media that he was with somebody and they had a little boy.
I didn't answer him, out of courtesy to my boyfriend, but then I ran into him in town. He seemed genuinely pleased to see me. He said he was single.
After apologising for hurting me previously, he persuaded me to have a drink with him.
We went out together again two nights later. All my feelings came flooding back. On our third date, we had sex.
I began to see a future with him but, around the time of his son's birthday, he started ghosting me.
I called him out on it and he admitted going to see his ex and their son and staying the night on the sofa. He said nothing happened.
He sees a future with me, but my current boyfriend is trying so hard to make it up to me. I don't know who to choose.
DEIDRE SAYS: Maybe your ex has changed, but for this to go ahead, you must accept that he's a father with responsibilities.
His son and the mother of his child will always factor in his life. Are you prepared to take on this ready-made family?
You agreed with your boyfriend to have a break, but didn't discuss whether you could sleep with other people. He deserved better than you cheating.
If you'd learnt from it and were full of remorse, that would be something.
But you're shrugging it off as if sex with someone else is expected while spending time apart.
My support pack Torn Between Two Men may help you decide.
I FEAR SON IS DEPRESSED AS HE CRIES ABOUT DEATH
DEAR DEIDRE: MY son has everything a young man of his age could wish for but he constantly cries when he thinks about death.
I'm his mum and I'm so worried. He's 22 and has a good job doing computer programming. He's got a lovely girlfriend who's 20.
I've talked to him about what is bothering him and he says he just feels low and keeps thinking about his nan, who died three years ago.
He's preoccupied with how long we are all going to live for.
I don't know where this has come from. I live with depression. It comes and goes but it is managed well with medication.
I'm concerned he may also have depression but I don't want him on medication at his age.
If he was close to his nan and has not come to terms with losing her, this could be a way of him showing his grief.
DEIDRE SAYS: Encourage him to find some support through The Mix (themix.org.uk, 0808 808 4994), which has a free confidential helpline for young people as well as free in-house telephone counselling.
If he still feels low, do ask him to talk to his doctor.
Even young children can have depression so it is important that he finds support, even if it is a case of him being on medication to help.
My support pack Bereavement explains the different stages of grief we can go through after losing somebody.
WIFE'S BROTHER IS AWFUL LODGER
DEAR DEIDRE: WE had to let my brother-in-law move in with us when his wife threw him out. We could hardly make him homeless.
He's been with us for three months and he's driving me mad. Even my teenage kids don't want to socialise with him because he smells.
I'm a man of 52 and my wife is 50. My brother-in-law is 55.
I'm not sure why his marriage broke down, but I've got a good idea – he never shuts up!
I get in from work and he talks at me until dinner, then he drones on over any TV programme I want to watch.
The council have said it's going to be at least eight months before he has any hope of getting a flat. He's never worked, so he can't afford a private rental.
DEIDRE SAYS: You're not responsible for him but, if he is going to live with you for any length of time, you need some house rules in place for the sake of your own mental health.
Spell it out to him that you're happy for him to stay for a while, but that unless there's a reason why he can't work, he should start to look for a job.
If he can't find one, then he should volunteer.
My support pack Standing Up For Yourself will help you to speak kindly but firmly about your need for down-time in the evenings, his need for regular showers – and a new purpose in life.
Otherwise, he will have to find somewhere else to stay.
I MESSED UP AND FAMILY HAS LEFT
DEAR DEIDRE: MY ex-wife has moved on with somebody else and I'm heartbroken.
I'd never been with anyone for longer than a few months before but my wife was different.
I'm 41 and she's 39. We were together for ten years and had three kids, but I got into a mess with money and she found out.
I lied to her and as far as she was concerned, the trust had gone. She refused to have counselling and said we were through.
I was happy and loved our little family. Even though we'd split up, we'd still do things together, like taking the kids out, because we were still in our marital home.
But when my father died in India, I had to go and help with the funeral. While I was gone, my ex-wife was offered a house to rent so she moved out, taking the kids with her.
We were still texting one another every day but then I found out she was seeing another guy. I am so upset, I can't bear to talk to her any more.
Now I'm trying to pay the mortgage for a house which has too many memories for me. I miss her and I miss the kids.
DEIDRE SAYS: It's natural to feel this way. You're grieving the loss of your family life. Her moving out may be the best thing for you though.
Living together was keeping you stuck in the relationship and, most importantly, was probably damaging for your children.
If you're worried about money and the house is too much, consider selling it and making a fresh start. Talk to StepChange (stepchange.org, 0800 138 1111) about any financial worries.
There is no reason why you can't still be a good father. The organisation Both Parents Matter (bothparentsmatter.org.uk, 0300 0300 363) is there for emotional support.
My support pack Moving On will help you, too.
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