The Psychology Behind 'Mom Guilt'—And How To Let It Go
Newsweek AI is in beta. Translations may contain inaccuracies—please refer to the original content.
Parenting expert and clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy says the crushing self-doubt many mothers carry isn't just a side effect of modern parenting—it is a learned mindset that can be unlearned.
In her appearance on Jay Shetty's On Purpose podcast this week, Dr. Becky, as she is best known on social media, spoke candidly about "mom guilt," describing it not as a moral failing but as a signal—one that can guide us toward healthier patterns if we listen to it differently.
"Guilt is often our brain's way of telling us we've violated our own values," Dr. Becky said. "But, sometimes, it's actually just telling us we've violated someone else's expectation of us, and those aren't the same thing."
Stock image: A toddler girl with anxiety is supported and hugged by her mom.
Stock image: A toddler girl with anxiety is supported and hugged by her mom.
PeopleImages
Dr. Becky, who is also the founder of Good Inside, a global parenting and mental-health platform, said that, in today's world—where parenting is more public than ever—many mothers feel they are constantly on trial.
Social-media feeds fuel comparison, while cultural narratives set impossible benchmarks for what a "good mother" should be. The result is a constant hum of self-criticism, even when mothers are doing just fine.
"If we can pause and ask ourselves, 'Is this guilt coming from my values or someone else's?' We can start to reframe it," Dr. Becky told Shetty. "When it's about my values, guilt can lead to meaningful change. When it's about someone else's, it's just noise."
Christina Muller is a licensed workplace mental health expert with postgraduate training in maternal mental health. She told Newsweek that Dr. Becky's distinction is crucial.
"As a workplace mental health expert and a mother, I've seen 'mom guilt' firsthand," Muller said. "While it's easy to label it that way, what's often happening is the clash between societal standards and the reality of mothering in an increasingly disconnected yet hyperconnected world."
Muller added that much of the emotional confusion comes from valuing performance over quality.
"Whether you work at home or outside of it, moments of connection can still happen and leave a lasting impact," Muller said. "We're juggling more balls than ever, but the one we never let drop is what matters most."
Both Dr. Becky and Muller point to decades of attachment research showing that children thrive with what is known as "good enough" parenting—a caregiver who is present, attuned and responsive most of the time, rather than perfectly so.
"We don't demand perfection in other areas of life, yet we often expect it from mothers," Muller said. "You can have it all, but not all in the same place—and we should be talking about that more."
From a clinical perspective, Muller added that persistent mom guilt is often tied to perfectionistic traits and what she calls "performance-over-presence thinking"—measuring yourself by how much you do rather than the quality of your presence.
Healthy self-reflection, she said, comes from curiosity rather than judgment, and from asking: "How can I be present right now?"
Muller recommended evidence-based strategies such as countering all-or-nothing thinking, taking value-based action and creating small, consistent moments of child-led connection.
"Invite your child to take the lead on an activity, and let them choose any topic to talk about without interruption," Muller said.
Research shows that these moments build autonomy, strengthen the parent-child bond, and advance long-term emotional regulation, she added.
Muller urged mothers to view self-care as essential to parenting well. "If you keep investing in your children over time, you'll see the long-term returns," she said. "And, just as in finance, take some of those dividends and reinvest in yourself."
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
CNBC
6 hours ago
- CNBC
Ivy League-trained psychologist: These 3 'very powerful' steps will build your emotional endurance
Being recognized as a resilient person feels great. Weathering the tough moments that build resilience is less glamorous. Developing emotional endurance, or the ability to withstand stress or discomfort without letting negative emotions overtake you, can help that process feel less grueling and more like an opportunity to learn and grow, Columbia University-trained psychologist Becky Kennedy tells CNBC Make It. "The more we understand that the frustration and struggle is actually a sign we're [learning], not a sign we're doing something wrong, it becomes a lot easier to tolerate," says Kennedy, a New York-based clinical psychologist and host of the "Good Inside" podcast. You can get to this state of understanding by following these three steps, she says: In a February Instagram Reel, Kennedy explained that learning happens between the space of knowing and not knowing something. You don't always instantly gain knowledge where you previously had none, and the process of getting from Point A to Point B can feel frustrating, says Kennedy. When you start a new job, for example, you'll likely have to learn some new skills, make some mistakes and foster some new connections before you start to feel comfortable in the role. The path between knowing and not knowing something is much more like a winding line than a straight and narrow one, Kennedy says — so when you feel frustrated, remind yourself that learning takes time. You can do this by drawing or looking at a simple diagram of the scenario, like this one: "Having some type of visual for yourself is very, very helpful," says Kennedy. "Every time you're trying to do something new, when your voice starts to say, 'Oh, this is too hard. I can't figure it out,' the visual gives you a different story. 'I'm in the learning space. I'm kind of exactly where I'm supposed to be. It just happens to be tricky.'" If you constantly tell yourself "this is too hard" or "I'm never going to get there," you start to believe it. Shift your internal dialogue to something more positive, supportive and understanding, advises Kennedy. Try telling yourself something like this, she says: "This feels hard because it is hard. I haven't figured it out yet, and I can keep trying. I can take a breath and take a break and come back when I'm ready." Even if you don't believe what you're telling yourself, going through the motions — essentially, faking it until you make it — will help, because the practice will help you feel more confident over time, she says. "Self-talk is very powerful. How we end up feeling about something is a combination of the feeling and how we talk to ourselves about the feeling, and we can't change our feelings, but we can change how we talk to ourselves about our feelings," says Kennedy. Positive self-talk can improve your coping skills and build your mental strength, allowing you to put in more effort than you think you're capable of, according to a 2020 study published in the Journal of Sports Science and Management. It can increase your internal motivation and even help you enjoy learning more, the study found. Start with small goals instead of expecting yourself to quickly reach your long-term vision, says Kennedy. If you set a huge goal and fall short of it, you're unlikely to try again anytime soon, she says. If you want to be more active, commit to taking a 20 minute walk three times per week instead of trying to hit the gym for an hour every day, for example. "Take on a small experiment that feels uncomfortable for you: I am going to talk to my boss about those things that's upsetting. I am going to have that conversation with my friend," Kennedy says. "Those are small experiments that tell your body, 'I am someone who can be in the learning space and tolerate discomfort.' The more our body learns that we can tolerate that space, the more we're able to tolerate it in other areas as well."
Newsweek
7 hours ago
- Newsweek
The Psychology Behind 'Mom Guilt'—And How To Let It Go
Based on facts, either observed and verified firsthand by the reporter, or reported and verified from knowledgeable sources. Newsweek AI is in beta. Translations may contain inaccuracies—please refer to the original content. Parenting expert and clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy says the crushing self-doubt many mothers carry isn't just a side effect of modern parenting—it is a learned mindset that can be unlearned. In her appearance on Jay Shetty's On Purpose podcast this week, Dr. Becky, as she is best known on social media, spoke candidly about "mom guilt," describing it not as a moral failing but as a signal—one that can guide us toward healthier patterns if we listen to it differently. "Guilt is often our brain's way of telling us we've violated our own values," Dr. Becky said. "But, sometimes, it's actually just telling us we've violated someone else's expectation of us, and those aren't the same thing." Stock image: A toddler girl with anxiety is supported and hugged by her mom. Stock image: A toddler girl with anxiety is supported and hugged by her mom. PeopleImages Dr. Becky, who is also the founder of Good Inside, a global parenting and mental-health platform, said that, in today's world—where parenting is more public than ever—many mothers feel they are constantly on trial. Social-media feeds fuel comparison, while cultural narratives set impossible benchmarks for what a "good mother" should be. The result is a constant hum of self-criticism, even when mothers are doing just fine. "If we can pause and ask ourselves, 'Is this guilt coming from my values or someone else's?' We can start to reframe it," Dr. Becky told Shetty. "When it's about my values, guilt can lead to meaningful change. When it's about someone else's, it's just noise." Christina Muller is a licensed workplace mental health expert with postgraduate training in maternal mental health. She told Newsweek that Dr. Becky's distinction is crucial. "As a workplace mental health expert and a mother, I've seen 'mom guilt' firsthand," Muller said. "While it's easy to label it that way, what's often happening is the clash between societal standards and the reality of mothering in an increasingly disconnected yet hyperconnected world." Muller added that much of the emotional confusion comes from valuing performance over quality. "Whether you work at home or outside of it, moments of connection can still happen and leave a lasting impact," Muller said. "We're juggling more balls than ever, but the one we never let drop is what matters most." Both Dr. Becky and Muller point to decades of attachment research showing that children thrive with what is known as "good enough" parenting—a caregiver who is present, attuned and responsive most of the time, rather than perfectly so. "We don't demand perfection in other areas of life, yet we often expect it from mothers," Muller said. "You can have it all, but not all in the same place—and we should be talking about that more." From a clinical perspective, Muller added that persistent mom guilt is often tied to perfectionistic traits and what she calls "performance-over-presence thinking"—measuring yourself by how much you do rather than the quality of your presence. Healthy self-reflection, she said, comes from curiosity rather than judgment, and from asking: "How can I be present right now?" Muller recommended evidence-based strategies such as countering all-or-nothing thinking, taking value-based action and creating small, consistent moments of child-led connection. "Invite your child to take the lead on an activity, and let them choose any topic to talk about without interruption," Muller said. Research shows that these moments build autonomy, strengthen the parent-child bond, and advance long-term emotional regulation, she added. Muller urged mothers to view self-care as essential to parenting well. "If you keep investing in your children over time, you'll see the long-term returns," she said. "And, just as in finance, take some of those dividends and reinvest in yourself."
Newsweek
9 hours ago
- Newsweek
When It's Not Just a Tantrum: The Subtle Signs of OCD in Toddlers
Based on facts, either observed and verified firsthand by the reporter, or reported and verified from knowledgeable sources. Newsweek AI is in beta. Translations may contain inaccuracies—please refer to the original content. To most parents, a toddler's insistence on the "right" plate or bedtime routine seems like a normal developmental quirk or just the latest cause of a meltdown. However, for some children, these behaviors may be an early sign of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), a condition often thought to affect only older children or adults. "OCD is characterized by the presence of obsessions—persistent, unwanted, distressing … thoughts—and compulsions are repetitive behaviors that one engages in to resolve the distress," clinical child psychologist Dr. Kendra Read, Ph.D., told Newsweek. "For very young children, it can be difficult to tease apart what is typical from what's concerning, because many toddlers naturally prefer sameness or repetition," Read said. Stock image: A crying boy sits in a high chair with cereal puree on a plate. Stock image: A crying boy sits in a high chair with cereal puree on a plate. ~UserGI15613517 How Early Can OCD Appear? While OCD most often emerges between ages 8 and 12 or during late adolescence, the International OCD Foundation says that it can be diagnosed in preschool-aged children. Research published in the Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry estimates that about 1 to 3 percent of children and adolescents have OCD, with early-onset cases sometimes appearing before age 5. Read, who is also the vice president of Therapy at Brightline, said the key to distinguishing OCD from typical toddler behavior lies in three factors: Distress: how upset the child becomes when they can't perform the behavior. Impairment: whether it interferes with daily activities—for the child or the family. Persistence: whether symptoms have lasted for weeks or months. For example, a bedtime ritual that stretches beyond an hour must be restarted if steps are "wrong," and causes significant upset if interrupted may be more than just a habit. Other red flags include excessive washing, and avoidance of certain toys or places due to fears and rituals that seem illogical or disconnected from the situation. The Role of Parents and Environment Parental "accommodation"—structuring the household to prevent a child's distress—can unintentionally reinforce compulsive behaviors. "Essentially, this means structuring the world in a way to do things OCD's way: [for example], always getting a new fork or plate when requested related to concerns about contamination; performing a bedtime ritual the same way to the point that it becomes a multi-hour experience," Read said. In some cases, the child may not be very distressed, but the parents are exhausted from living life by OCD's rules, she added. Family history matters, too: OCD and anxiety often run in families, and temperamental similarities can make certain behaviors more likely to emerge. What Parents Can Do Even without a formal diagnosis, parents can start supporting their child by acknowledging feelings ("I can see this makes you feel worried"); giving the anxiety a nickname ("Worry Monster"); and gently encouraging small steps that go against the compulsion—always in a safe context. "For preschool-aged kids, I like to draw out a quick adventure map on a piece of paper that has bravery stops along the way and a treasure chest—usually a trip to the ice-cream place—at the end," Read said. "You know your kid best, including what motivates them." If concerns persist, Read recommended a professional evaluation, which typically involves caregiver interviews, teacher input and behavioral observations. Evidence-based treatments such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) with exposure and response prevention (ERP) have been shown to be highly effective, even in young children. "OCD and anxiety disorders are not lifetime disorders," Read said. "Given the support of effective intervention … even if your child meets criteria at one point, the goal for treatment is … to get to the point where they no longer meet criteria with supportive, evidence-based intervention."
