Help Me Hera: I just met the perfect guy. But there's a catch
Want Hera's help? Email your problem to helpme@thespinoff.co.nz or fill out this form.
Dear Hera,
Recently I met a guy on a dating app. I had a good feeling about him right from when we started chatting. We talked for a week then went on our first date, and it was amazing. He's exactly the kind of person I'm looking for. Before meeting him, I didn't think I still had the ability to fall madly in love, but suddenly I could see it is something I am still capable of.
But it quickly became clear that we have very different relationship goals, e.g. he wants kids, I don't. These are not things either of us are prepared to compromise on, and I wouldn't want us to anyway. We saw each other one more time, had a wonderful weekend together, but he said (with kindness) we shouldn't see each other or contact each other again. I agreed, because I think that is the right thing – we like each other too much to just be friends, and keeping in touch would just drag things out without purpose. I want him to be free to find someone who can offer him what I can't. And I want to be free to find that too.
But, Hera, it's been more than a month now and my feelings aren't going away. From the time we started talking to when we said goodbye, only two weeks passed. I barely know this man, I can't possibly be in love with him. But I sort of feel like I am. That's insane though, right?
That's not my question. My question is, would it be terrible and immature to send him a message? I want him to know I miss him. I feel like a stupid selfish lovesick teenager. It's wonderful. It's horrible. I know there would be no point to it, but it feels unbearable to think I'll never even speak to him again.
He gave me Norwegian Wood by Murakami and in that book, the characters write endless letters to each other. If only I had his address I could send him an actual letter, then, if he didn't reply, I could kid myself into thinking he never got it.
Help me, Hera!
Dear Lovesick,
Have you ever wondered if it was possible to teach your dog the dance routine to Cotton Eye Joe?
This week I've come down with a hideous cold, which has left me with the minimum brain cells required to watch every Cruft's Kennel Club Heelwork to Music event (Freestyle) for the last 10 years in reverse chronological order. Not only are the costumes superb, but it has the added benefit of shocking me periodically out of my stupor by loudly announcing 'next up we have a talented seven-year-old bitch from Manchester.'
Prior to this week, I didn't know anything about the concept of Heelwork, freestyle or otherwise. But the scales have fallen from my eyes. It's the closest thing to Cabaret, if Bob Fosse was a rural lesbian from Rutland who was addicted to Border Collies instead of drugs and alcohol.
So far, there has been one saucy rendition of 'Mack the Knife', several Lord of the Rings medleys, a chihuahua performing Swan Lake, a thrilling interpretation of Jaws involving a dog administering CPR, 'Danse Macabre' (or as the commentator called it, 'the Jonathan Creek theme song') and a version of 'Heal the World' by Michael Jackson only minorly thwarted by an unexpected bowel movement.
As per the YouTube comments:
'Rarely am I so sorely stirred to such emotion… Well done, little friend. You have wakened this dormant heart and quieted the tempestuous melancholy of the mind. A truly haunting tragedy poised with such beauty and grace like no other. Harken, dear reader; for the master of tippy taps may yet come knocking on the door to your soul next. Will you answer the call?'
What does this have to do with your question? Exactly nothing, besides the fact that I'm not paid to write a one-word advice column. If I was, you'd be getting a resounding NO. If I were being ambitious, I might stretch to 'what are you crazy?'
I'm very sorry for the situation you find yourself in. There's nothing more disheartening than running the gauntlet of modern dating and finding someone you're powerfully infatuated with, only to have fundamentally incompatible visions for the future.
I wish things had worked out differently for you. But your question of whether or not to contact him again, is basically the same as asking 'should I put my hand into this open flame?' No amount of romantic longing is going to make this a good idea.
Let's put it another way. How sure are you that you don't want kids? Really sure? If your answer is yes, then you simply have no business getting back in touch with this guy. Unless you're on the fence, you're only letting yourself in for a world of hurt in the long run.
I don't think it's insane to feel as if you're falling for someone before really having the chance to get to know them. But there are only a few major relationship dealbreakers in this life, and whether or not to have kids is probably the hardest to compromise on. You're never going to be able to talk this guy out of a desire to procreate, and it would be cruel to try. Best case scenario you manage to crush his dreams, which doesn't sound very best case scenario.
I wouldn't call it immature to send him a message. Maturity has nothing to do with it. But anything beyond respecting his wishes is simply delaying the pain you'll inevitably feel when you have to face reality. And the longer you spend entertaining this fantasy, the more it will hurt. If it were only against your own better judgement, that would be one thing. But it's against his better judgement too. He's made his decision, and there's no excuse not to respect it.
Honestly this is just one of those deeply unfortunate situations that sucks all around, and there's nothing to be done unless you like him so much you're willing to push a live human out of your body and spend the rest of your life caring for it until you are gradually devoured by resentment.
So what can you do? Compose some overwrought ballads. Weep into your pillows. Write him a letter and set fire to it. Adopt a dog and spend the next 10 months painstakingly teaching it ballet.
Best,
Hera
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But the funny thing about your first long relationship is that you basically have nothing to compare it to, beyond observing older married couples in their natural habitat (wandering aimlessly around garden centres). Most great artistic representations of romance deal with the business of getting hitched, getting divorced, or being haunted by unrequited love. In a way, this makes perfect sense. Nobody wants to read a bodice ripper about a married couple bickering over whose turn it is to de-worm the dog. But it does mean that no amount of theory can adequately prepare you for what a long-term relationship feels like. There's something romantic about linking your fate to someone and venturing into uncharted territory together. But it's also hard to know if what you're feeling is normal. The first thing that strikes me about your letter is that it sounds like you really do love your girlfriend. 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Help Me Hera: I just met the perfect guy. But there's a catch
He wants kids. I don't. Is there any salvaging this? Want Hera's help? Email your problem to helpme@ or fill out this form. Dear Hera, Recently I met a guy on a dating app. I had a good feeling about him right from when we started chatting. We talked for a week then went on our first date, and it was amazing. He's exactly the kind of person I'm looking for. Before meeting him, I didn't think I still had the ability to fall madly in love, but suddenly I could see it is something I am still capable of. But it quickly became clear that we have very different relationship goals, e.g. he wants kids, I don't. These are not things either of us are prepared to compromise on, and I wouldn't want us to anyway. We saw each other one more time, had a wonderful weekend together, but he said (with kindness) we shouldn't see each other or contact each other again. I agreed, because I think that is the right thing – we like each other too much to just be friends, and keeping in touch would just drag things out without purpose. I want him to be free to find someone who can offer him what I can't. And I want to be free to find that too. But, Hera, it's been more than a month now and my feelings aren't going away. From the time we started talking to when we said goodbye, only two weeks passed. I barely know this man, I can't possibly be in love with him. But I sort of feel like I am. That's insane though, right? That's not my question. My question is, would it be terrible and immature to send him a message? I want him to know I miss him. I feel like a stupid selfish lovesick teenager. It's wonderful. It's horrible. I know there would be no point to it, but it feels unbearable to think I'll never even speak to him again. He gave me Norwegian Wood by Murakami and in that book, the characters write endless letters to each other. If only I had his address I could send him an actual letter, then, if he didn't reply, I could kid myself into thinking he never got it. Help me, Hera! Dear Lovesick, Have you ever wondered if it was possible to teach your dog the dance routine to Cotton Eye Joe? This week I've come down with a hideous cold, which has left me with the minimum brain cells required to watch every Cruft's Kennel Club Heelwork to Music event (Freestyle) for the last 10 years in reverse chronological order. Not only are the costumes superb, but it has the added benefit of shocking me periodically out of my stupor by loudly announcing 'next up we have a talented seven-year-old bitch from Manchester.' Prior to this week, I didn't know anything about the concept of Heelwork, freestyle or otherwise. But the scales have fallen from my eyes. It's the closest thing to Cabaret, if Bob Fosse was a rural lesbian from Rutland who was addicted to Border Collies instead of drugs and alcohol. So far, there has been one saucy rendition of 'Mack the Knife', several Lord of the Rings medleys, a chihuahua performing Swan Lake, a thrilling interpretation of Jaws involving a dog administering CPR, 'Danse Macabre' (or as the commentator called it, 'the Jonathan Creek theme song') and a version of 'Heal the World' by Michael Jackson only minorly thwarted by an unexpected bowel movement. As per the YouTube comments: 'Rarely am I so sorely stirred to such emotion… Well done, little friend. You have wakened this dormant heart and quieted the tempestuous melancholy of the mind. A truly haunting tragedy poised with such beauty and grace like no other. Harken, dear reader; for the master of tippy taps may yet come knocking on the door to your soul next. Will you answer the call?' What does this have to do with your question? Exactly nothing, besides the fact that I'm not paid to write a one-word advice column. If I was, you'd be getting a resounding NO. If I were being ambitious, I might stretch to 'what are you crazy?' I'm very sorry for the situation you find yourself in. There's nothing more disheartening than running the gauntlet of modern dating and finding someone you're powerfully infatuated with, only to have fundamentally incompatible visions for the future. I wish things had worked out differently for you. But your question of whether or not to contact him again, is basically the same as asking 'should I put my hand into this open flame?' No amount of romantic longing is going to make this a good idea. Let's put it another way. How sure are you that you don't want kids? Really sure? If your answer is yes, then you simply have no business getting back in touch with this guy. Unless you're on the fence, you're only letting yourself in for a world of hurt in the long run. I don't think it's insane to feel as if you're falling for someone before really having the chance to get to know them. But there are only a few major relationship dealbreakers in this life, and whether or not to have kids is probably the hardest to compromise on. You're never going to be able to talk this guy out of a desire to procreate, and it would be cruel to try. Best case scenario you manage to crush his dreams, which doesn't sound very best case scenario. I wouldn't call it immature to send him a message. Maturity has nothing to do with it. But anything beyond respecting his wishes is simply delaying the pain you'll inevitably feel when you have to face reality. And the longer you spend entertaining this fantasy, the more it will hurt. If it were only against your own better judgement, that would be one thing. But it's against his better judgement too. He's made his decision, and there's no excuse not to respect it. Honestly this is just one of those deeply unfortunate situations that sucks all around, and there's nothing to be done unless you like him so much you're willing to push a live human out of your body and spend the rest of your life caring for it until you are gradually devoured by resentment. So what can you do? Compose some overwrought ballads. Weep into your pillows. Write him a letter and set fire to it. Adopt a dog and spend the next 10 months painstakingly teaching it ballet. Best, Hera
