My sexless marriage is pushing me into an affair with another woman – I didn't sign up to be celibate

The Sun

7 hours ago

DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife's total lack of interest in sex is pushing me into an affair with another woman.
I have tried talking to her about it, but she just told me to buy myself a male sex toy if I felt that frustrated.
I've tried everything to make her want me again. I didn't sign up to be celibate, so is it wrong for me to look elsewhere for sexual fulfilment?
I'm 42 and my wife is 44. We've been married for 15 years and have three children.
We always had a healthy, regular sex life. But since our last child was born three years ago, there has not been any intimacy at all.
She says she has no desire for sex and thinks our only focus should be on the kids. When I try to be affectionate in bed, she pushes me away, turns over and goes to sleep.
The problem is, I still have a very high sex drive.
I think about sex all the time, so I feel constantly rejected and frustrated.
I don't want a best friend and co-parent I live with. I want a wife and a lover.
I'd be willing to compromise and have sex even just once a week — as I've told her — but she won't consider it.
I've never cheated on her and I don't want to leave her for another woman.
But her refusal to have sex is making me start to think about straying.
Dear Deidre: Understanding why your man's gone off sex
When I mentioned this was where my brain was going, hoping it might push her into dealing with our problem, she just changed the subject.
Recently, I've been going online and talking to another woman.
She's also in an unhappy relationship and has made it clear her sex drive almost certainly matches mine.
I'm now on the brink of arranging a time and a place to meet her.
I can't stop fantasising about it. Would it be so wrong?
DEIDRE SAYS: Sexual intimacy is an important part of marriage. It's unsurprising that your wife's lack of desire is making you unhappy.
She may be content to 'shut up shop', but she seems to be in denial about the effect this is having on you. That's unfair.
This doesn't mean an affair is a good idea, or a solution. It will only cause many more problems.
It's your wife you want. So before jumping into bed with someone else, ask her if she'd agree to counselling so you can talk openly and honestly and try to find ways to resolve this.
Contact Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org) to make an appointment.
If she won't agree to discuss this, then you need to think about whether your marriage has a future.
DEAR DEIDRE: YEARS of being in an unhappy marriage with an alcoholic had left me depressed, lonely and with no hope for the future, so I wrote to you.
All I had in my life was work, but because I had to pay for everything, my salary was gone before I knew it.
My husband had driven all our friends away. We'd been married for 25 years. I'm 50 and he's 53.
I tried talking to him about it, but he didn't listen. He clearly had no interest in me, only in his bottles of wine.
As I blamed myself for being in this mess, I felt I couldn't burden my family with my woes.
You were so sympathetic and understanding, reassuring me that the situation was not my fault. You advised me to see my GP and to reach out to my family and old friends, saying they would want to hear from me and that I needed human connections in order to change things.
You also sent me your support pack, Dealing With A Problem Drinker.
Finally, you gently suggested I might need to think about exiting my marriage.
I've started saving up so I can eventually leave, and I've joined some local groups to make friends.
Thank you, Deidre, for making me see I deserve better and have a future.
DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE a huge crush on a boy in the year above me at school.
I know I love him, but there are so many prettier girls in his class, I don't think he'll ever feel the same.
I'm 13 and he's nearly 15. Sometimes, I tell myself he's flirting with me but, really, I think he's just being friendly.
I can't talk to anyone about this. My friends would tease me. I think about him so much,
I can't concentrate at school. What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: Crushes are very normal, so you have no need to feel embarrassed.
It's best to get to know him as a friend and take things slowly. If you have common interests, perhaps you could casually suggest going to the cinema or grabbing a soft drink together.
My support pack, Learning To Love, will tell you more about developing a relationship.
TOXIC MOTHER HARMING MY KIDS LIKE SHE DID WITH ME
DEAR DEIDRE: IS it time for me to cut my toxic mother out of my life for good?
She has always bullied me and her behaviour is now affecting my kids, too.
Last time we visited, she kicked us out of her house!
I'm 38 and have three young children. My own childhood was miserable because she was so cruel.
She made me feel useless, stupid and ugly. My older sister, on the other hand, could do no wrong.
I left home at 16 because I couldn't stand it any more, and I've been independent ever since. But I've tried to maintain a relationship with her.
I guess I'm always hoping she'll see I'm a good person who has made a success of my life and start being kinder. I'm jealous of my friends who have good, loving relationships with their mums.
Last weekend, I took my children to visit her for her birthday. We made an effort to look nice and brought gifts.
Within a few hours, she was being nasty, making racist remarks – one of my kids is mixed race – and had my youngest in tears. When I finally stood up to her, she threw us out of her house, saying we were trash.
I've realised she is evil and will never change. I don't want her to destroy my children's self-esteem the way she destroyed mine.
Would it be wrong for me to break off contact for good?
DEIDRE SAYS: You've tried again and again to win your mother's love and respect.
In return, she's treated you – and now your kids – appallingly.
None of this is your fault. You're a strong, capable woman, in spite of her.
Perhaps it's time to accept she won't change and that you'll never have the relationship you crave.
Talking to a counsellor about this may help you to make a decision. My support pack, How Counselling Can Help, explains further.
Get more advice from Family Action (family-action.org.uk, 0808 802 6666).
SCAMMED BY LONG-DISTANCE GIRLFRIEND
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my long-distance internet girlfriend asks me for anything, I don't seem to be able to say no to her.
I'm starting to think she might be scamming me.
I'm in my mid-40s, while she is 28 and lives in Poland. We've been talking online for six months and I've completely fallen for her.
She makes me feel so special because she really listens to me and tells me I'm clever and handsome.
I've been single for a long time, so I'm not used to that.
When she said she wanted to start a business but didn't have the funds, I offered to send her cash. I've given her a lot more since then.
Even though she never asks directly, I find myself agreeing to help.
She has told me she can't wait to see me so we can sleep together at last. She even describes what she will do to me when she arrives.
Now, she's asked if I'll book her a plane ticket to the UK so she can come over to stay.
I'm excited, but also worried I am being used and that she isn't genuine.
What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: Follow your gut. If something is telling you this woman is manipulating you, then that's likely to be the case.
She's much younger, has no money, lives in another country and probably sees you as a ticket to a better life.
That doesn't mean she doesn't genuinely like you, but her motivation may be clouded by finances.
Stop sending her money and offer to visit her instead. Her reaction is likely to reveal the truth.
My support pack, Love Online, has more information.