The Midults: I'm having an affair with a married man from the tennis club
Dear A&E,
For the past two years I have been having an affair with a man I met through my tennis club. I've fallen madly in love with him and feel desperate to be with him. We meet a couple of times a week – usually at my house – as I am divorced and my teenagers are at school or staying with their father. He says that he loves me and wants us to have a life together but he is married with smaller children and is totally paranoid about anyone finding out about us. I'm panicking and feeling more and more fraught. We are both in our mid-40s. Am I wasting my time?
–Desperate
Dear Desperate,
Fraught, panicking and… desperate are not how we are meant to feel when we are in a mutually loving, healthy relationship. What do you expect us to say in answer to your letter? 'Sounds like the dream'? What would you say to your sister, daughter or best friend, were they to find themselves in a similar situation? In short – to pull off the plaster quickly – you are listening to his words rather than being informed by his actions, which are sneaky, shifty and do not indicate the intentions of a person planning a future with you. We are very sorry.
You ask if you are wasting your time. We do not have a crystal ball but you are not spending it well or wisely. You are not looking after yourself. You are not respecting yourself. If we were betting women, we would say that, yes, it seems that there is a good chance that you are wasting your time. But are you prepared to do anything about it?
When 'mad' becomes the operative in 'madly in love' we can find ourselves in deep trouble. You are not there yet, but the longer this goes on, the fewer resources you will have to call on. You risk becoming a person you don't recognise. This stuff has the power to do that to all of us. These situations make us less than we are. Because we are getting less than we deserve. They prey on loneliness and fear. They prey on the parts of us that are broken rather than whole.
Here's part of the why: we say this with no judgment, but you are the bad guy in this scenario as well as him. Another woman is being wronged and, at some point, that may bite with you and your conscience. We are sure you did not plan for things to go this way but, farther down the line, you may need to accept that the fantasy of great love was just that: an affair rather than a forever romance. Staying in this is a way of protecting yourself from the realisation that this is just a grubby affair with a married guy you met at the tennis club. Often, it's only after the fact that we realise someone has been flicking crumbs in our direction while they have their cake and eat it. From your longer letter, this does not feel like love. It feels like deceit. Heady? Yes. Healthy? No.
Our advice is to be realistic and to act accordingly. You may not be able to bear a total cut-off right now – although that is what we would recommend. You could say, 'Come back when you're separated,' but that still holds you hostage by leaving the door open for you to hope and message and reduce yourself further.
Manage your expectations. Invest less time. Lose the narrative. Try to be strict with yourself with regard to fantasising. See if some emotional distance can help you move towards living in a different way. Get busy. Breathe deeply and reclaim your dignity.
You are complicit in your own heartbreak. You did not sleepwalk into this: you knew he was married. You say in your longer letter that you felt very alone after your divorce and this brought you back to life. But is this the life you want? Who does this make you? How long do you wait? Don't you deserve to be the leading lady in your own life?
Start setting up a life you can enjoy and be proud of. Work on your house, your fitness, your career. See films and go to gigs and plays. Jump in lakes and run down beaches. Do joyful things with your children. See friends but do not talk about him in a bid to sell the situation to those you love. That is unlikely to work and is something you may regret. Build up everything so that if and when this implodes, you have created your own safety net. You may need it. And we want you to show yourself that you deserve it. Good luck, Desperate. You'll be OK.
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