I'm planning every aspect of my son's college dorm room with the moms of his future roommates. I wonder if we've gone too far.
The school provided most of what they needed, including furniture, a fridge, and a microwave. We added towels, bedding, a bathmat, a laundry bin, and a few basics. It was enough. They all settled in and figured it out.
Now, my younger son is heading off to college. And somehow, a group text with other parents turned what should be a rite of passage into something that feels a little more like a wedding registry.
The group chat started out helpful
The dorm group chat began with a few moms. When three of our sons committed to the same university and decided to room together, one mom created a new thread called " Dorm Room Group."
We invited our sons into the chat, too, but the moms kept the chat going. The boys occasionally chimed in, usually with something like: "Sup, mom."
The chat was helpful at first. We shared orientation links, move-in dates, and dorm layout videos.
One mom then found a Facebook post in a university parent group from a mom in Florida. She suggested we connect about making the woman's son the fourth roommate.
"He looks normal! Maybe we should snag him! He might take you guys to Florida to visit," she texted the group.
Our sons followed him on Instagram. He ghosted them.
But then came the espresso machine
The shopping picked up one summer afternoon. They started filling their Amazon carts with things I never even considered buying for my sons.
They told me I should purchase a matching backup rug for the bathroom. They also informed me that they were already stocked with toilet cleaner and Scrubbing Bubbles.
Then I got a text that made me a little jealous. It was a photo of one of the boys who got an espresso maker for his birthday, "for the dorm." I thought it was a bit extravagant for a dorm room; I didn't even have one in my own kitchen.
But then I wondered what other kitchen appliances they might need. I've had my eye on one of those rapid egg cookers.
The texts kept coming. We compared meal plans and even chose the dorm room color scheme. We discussed every aspect of our sons' future lives. They remained mostly silent throughout the chats.
There's more than one way to pack
The other moms in the group chat are thoughtful and involved. This is the first time they're sending a child to college, and they care. I do, too.
But I've done this before and never wanted to be this involved. Maybe I'm just more hands-off or a little cheap. I sent my older son with what he needed, not a full redesign. His dorm room didn't need a theme.
At one point, I texted the group: "My first roommate decorated her side of the room in clowns, and it did not occur to me to think it was weird. Or too weird, I guess."
My dorm experience started in 1988. The walls were painted concrete blocks. My side had a lace-trimmed pillow, pandas, and a gorilla poster from my mom's teaching stash. The bathrooms were down the hall.
It wasn't perfect, and it certainly wasn't social media-worthy, but I survived. My son will, too.
They'll be fine, even if the towels don't match
My son hasn't said much about the group chat, but I wonder if he and the other kids are overwhelmed by all the planning happening around them. I certainly get frustrated by it at times.
When I suggested colors for his comforter and asked him what else he wanted, he just shrugged.
"I'll figure it out," he says. And I think he will.
We're all just struggling with letting them go to build their own lives. What we really want, I think, is proof that they'll be OK without us.
But I remind myself that they'll be fine, even if the towels don't match or no one brings an egg cooker.
What they really need can't be packed in a bin — and they'll figure that out, too, just like we did.

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CNN
9 minutes ago
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A British hiker needed rescuing from the Italian Dolomites. He's now facing a $16,000 fine
A British hiker who had to be airlifted to safety after he ignored signs and crossed warning barriers in the Italian Dolomites is paying a high price for his rescue. The 60-year-old, whose name has not been made public, was given a bill for €14,225 ($16,400) to pay for the use of two rescue helicopters and more than a dozen specialized rescuers and support staff when he needed help on Thursday, according to the Veneto Alpine and Speleological Rescue (CNSAS). A week earlier, two Belgian hikers in the same area were handed a far smaller bill for their rescue because they are European Union citizens. The United Kingdom left the EU in 2020. More than 80 people died hiking the Italian Alps and Dolomites between June 21 and July 23, according to the CNSAS, making it the deadliest hiking season this century. Five people remain unaccounted for. Rescue calls have also risen by 20% over last year, which led to the closure of some of the most treacherous routes around Cortina and San Vito di Cadore, where the British hiker was rescued, Maurizio Dellantonio, chief of CNSAS, said at the weekend. 'A 60-year-old English hiker, who had set out that morning from Passo Tre Croci, called to say he was on the Berti via ferrata and that rocks were falling from above,' the CNSAS warned on its social media on Thursday evening, noting that the man did not have equipment to give his precise coordinates. 'Once he had reconstructed his theoretical position, he was told not to move from his sheltered spot and to wait for help to arrive, as the mountain was currently hidden by clouds. To decide on the recovery strategy, the hiker's exact position was needed, so they had to wait for the clouds to clear. When the clouds cleared, the San Vito di Cadore Alpine Rescue team unfortunately discovered that the hiker was right in the center of the landslide, at an altitude of 2,400 meters (nearly 7,900 feet).' After the rescue, first responders with the CNSAS working with Italy's Civil Protection decided to close more trails. 'The operation was made necessary due to hikers neglecting existing signage, which was evidently insufficient to stop people, either due to inattention or an underestimation of the risk,' CNSAS said in a Facebook post. The post shows images of existing signage that clearly says 'closed' in English, Italian and German. 'This measure is intended to protect the safety of those in transit, as well as the rescuers themselves, both the helicopter rescue crews and the teams on foot,' the post continued. Dellantonio said the man passed at least four signs and had to crawl around a barrier and was urged by other hikers at the signposts to turn around and head back with them. The dangerous and deadly conditions across the European Alps this year is blamed on extreme weather, with unpredicted storms sweeping through causing landslides, flash flooding and blizzard-like conditions. Some of the recent rescued people have been hospitalized for hypothermia. Local authorities are warning people to be prepared if they do travel to the area to climb. 'What happened (with the British hiker) warrants some reflection,' Giuseppe Dal Ben, the commissioner of the Ulss 1 health authority in the Dolomites, told reporters at the weekend. 'Helicopters are essential for time-sensitive operations in harsh environments. Precisely for this reason, it is important that they are not used as taxis, endangering not only those who are providing the assistance but those who actually need it.'


Miami Herald
31 minutes ago
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Ancient ‘fairy houses' — still filled with treasures — found in Italy. See them
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Time Magazine
4 hours ago
- Time Magazine
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When Molly Levine, 28, lost her father in the summer of 2023, 'life stopped.' Just weeks earlier, she had been dating, posting comedic TikToks, and balancing a high-stress product job at Google with sweaty nights out in New York. Now, she could barely get out of bed. She took leave from work and holed up with her family, surviving on chunks of chocolate babka she'd eat late at night, when everyone had cleared out of the family kitchen. Reading about death, finding meaning in memories, and searching for signs from the other side consumed her days. But another, more frivolous concern gnawed at her. 'After you lose someone, you have to immediately decide whether you're going to be one of those people who posts or not,' Levine says. 'And I know people say, 'There's no right way to grieve,' but on social media—it almost feels like there is.' What do you share? When do you share it? And is it bad if you don't post at all? These were the questions that tormented Levine in the weeks after her father's death. 'It feels silly,' she says. 'You're like, 'Is this what I'm really thinking about?' But you are.' Grief gone viral Jensen Moore, a journalism professor at The University of Oklahoma, studies how people grieve on social media. '[Millennials and Gen Z] post their breakfast. They post themselves on the toilet. They've done everything,' she says. 'So mourning online is just an extension of living their lives online for everyone to see.' Ten days after her father's passing, Levine crafted a 350-word caption to accompany a photo of her father to post on Instagram. Comments and DMs from her community poured in, offering their memories and condolences. But Levine, a social media savvy young millennial, knew the line between sharing and scaring. 'I really refined my message,' she says. 'I was very cognizant of how uncomfortable I could make other people.' As social media reshapes how we share—and grieve—there are many for whom public mourning still feels gauche, even offensive. Vogue editor Chloe Malle notably loathes mourning-by-emoji. 'An Instagram feed is just too public a platform for meaningful mourning,' she wrote in her 2014 essay, 'Why We Should Give Up Public Mourning on Social Media.' Yet, others are crucified for not posting quickly enough—like when 90210 fans attacked Jenny Garth for her silence after Luke Perry's death, or when the internet turned on the Friends cast for waiting days to acknowledge Matthew Perry's passing. In one of her studies, Moore examined how people self-police online grief. 'It used to be, you would never post a picture of someone grieving or a photo of the deceased,' Moore says. 'This generation is posting TikToks of themselves crying.' In 2013, the millennial 'funeral selfie' trend broke the internet, triggering a flood of commentary about the generation's perceived apathy and vanity. Over a decade later and the conversation still hasn't moved beyond moral panic. 'Do I have a photo with them? It's the first thing you think of when someone dies,' says Jay Bulger, a 43-year-old filmmaker from D.C. 'It's a mad scramble to post.' When Kobe Bryant died tragically in 2020, social media became one giant memorial. But mourners were criticized. 'Why are you sobbing online about a basketball player you didn't know?' Moore recalls the pushback. Public grief often reads as strategic—an invitation for sympathy, likes, or cultural proximity. Some call this new wave of mourning content 'performative grief,' says Moore. 'Because those likes can potentially earn you more followers, or in some cases, money.' But for those genuinely trying to express their loss, the online landscape can feel like a minefield: sincere grief is often met with suspicion, judgment, or the assumption that it's all for show. 'I have friends who've been very vocal with their grief, and people didn't know how to handle it,' Levine says. She recalls a conversation with friends, criticizing someone's post for being too raw, too unfiltered. 'People just don't know what to do with grief. We don't know how to talk about it without freaking people out.' Read More: When the Group Chat Replaces the Group There are practical reasons for grieving online, says Pelham Carter, a psychology professor at Birmingham City University. It spreads the word. It offers catharsis and connection. Engaging with a deceased person's profile can help sustain a bond beyond the grave. But every post, photo, or story risks transgressing invisible social landmines of what is and isn't acceptable. 'There are these very nuanced rules that are hard to navigate, because they are unwritten,' Carter explains. 'But you get a feeling for when there's been a breach in etiquette.' For Jack Irv, a 30-year-old actor who grew up in New York City, the entire production of grieving on social media 'feels exhibitionist.' In his early 20s, he was part of the city's graffiti scene, climbing up scaffoldings to spray paint with some of the city's best artists. But 'graffiti writers die all the time,' he says. It was the first time he saw his network mourning publicly. 'You get forced into action,' Irv explains. 'It's like proving who is closer. There's a competitive aspect.' Social media can breed competition and comparison, which extends to online grief, says Moore. 'Who's grieving better, who wrote the best eulogy, who posted the best photo, who was closest,' she says. Irv resents the tone of these posts—'It's like a long rambling story about the time they spilled making pasta together.' It feels cheap, he says, that intimacy gets flattened into a caption. Irv recalls in one instance, an acquaintance who was not especially close to the deceased, became the loudest mourner online. 'It made us all feel strange,' he says. Navigating grief's social hierarchy online can be fraught, Carter says. Posting too soon or too often can give the impression you were closer to the deceased than others believe you were. 'It's bumping yourself higher up in the hierarchy than people feel you should be,' says Carter. 'But it's very hard for us, especially in the throes of grief, to acknowledge that there are different forms of closeness.' Who gets to mourn online? In a 2022 study, Carter and co-author Rachel King found a striking disconnect: participants saw their own grief posts as genuine—but assumed others were just seeking attention. Most cited a 'genuine outpouring of grief' as their reason for posting. Yet they believed others were abusing the process. 'There was a hypocritical side,' Carter says. 'People assumed their grief was sincere—but others' were performative.' In 2019, Jennifer, 30, who asked that TIME not include her real name because of the sensitivity of the circumstance, lost a close friend to suicide. The loss sent shockwaves through her tightknit friend group. 'Privately, there were vulnerable conversations between friends where the grief felt real,' she recalls. 'But online, something shifted.' On Instagram, she says, the mourning felt curated. 'It felt more like perception management than actual grief.' In the weeks after her friend's death, unspoken rules emerged. 'The etiquette was: those closest to the deceased had the right to post, and their posts should be engaged with. If you weren't in the inner circle, the rule was: don't post,' she says. These rules were administered via cold shoulders and whispers. Digital anthropologist Crystal Abidin interviewed young people experiencing the first death of a friend to explore a core question: who gets to grieve, how, and why? She found the tension had less to do with competition between mourners and more to do with how grief was received by the inner circle. The young women in Abidin's study outlined unwritten rules: who gets to grieve first, who gets to grieve more, and what must stay private. Breaches often came down to timing—like posting before a partner or family member. On Facebook memorial pages, they didn't want the first post coming from a random friend. 'There's weight given to your tie to the deceased,' Abidin says. As consumers of the internet, 'we're savvy,' says linguist Korina Giaxoglou, author of A Narrative Approach to Social Media Mourning. 'Even at our most sincere, we still want our posts to reach and engage—that's what posting is.' But that doesn't make us hypocrites, she adds. 'You can want attention and still be fully present in your grief.' Read More: When TikTok Trends Send Kids to the Emergency Room In Western culture, open grief is often frowned upon, Giaxoglou says. There is an understanding that 'during the bereavement period you shouldn't seek attention.' But in other cultures, grief is communal. In the Asia Pacific region, where Abidin conducts much of her research, grieving loudly and publicly is 'how you show that you're a part of that community.' She says, 'It's not uncommon in some funerals to hire mourners whose jobs are to cry, because the louder the cries, the more it shows how loved this person was.' As younger generations move grief from bedrooms and chatrooms to public profiles, conversations around death are returning to the public square. 'As a community, we need to see these expressions in order to recover,' Giaxoglou says. 'Otherwise, it's like we're hiding our emotions.' A year later, Levine has developed a dark humor about grieving online. 'In some ways, if you don't post about your grief, it's like—did you even care?' she says with a smile. She remembers staring at her Instagram grid, wondering how to follow up a memorial post of her father: 'What's my re-entry going to be? I don't want to signal that I'm over it. I'll be grieving forever.' Years later, Levine is once again making funny videos on TikTok. 'I look back now, and wonder what changed where I was like, 'Okay, now I can post a sunset again.''