Dear Julia: I'm scared my siblings will lose our close bond over inheritance

Times

2 days ago

Q. My siblings and I were always close, but since our parents started dividing assets and discussing inheritance, tensions have skyrocketed. I never thought we were this kind of family, and I'm scared we'll lose our bond.
A. I am sorry you're going through this. Inheritance has a way of exposing fault lines even in the closest of families. This isn't just about money — it's about love, fairness, power and belonging. When these core needs feel threatened, emotions run high, close family members become foes and long-buried tensions can surface.
What you're describing is extremely common, yet it's an area with surprisingly little psychological research or widely accepted guidance. In this intense and fraught topic, psychotherapy has been lax in offering helpful support.
I want to help normalise the difficulties you face. Every family, regardless of wealth, will face these questions. There can be battles over money that shatter families and equally painful disputes about sentimental objects — a floral jug, a photograph album. I've known families who did not speak for decades because of a dispute about an old armchair.
Your parents are responsible for holding the family together while they lead this discussion and share their assets. Perhaps they have not thought about it deeply and naively believe it will be straightforward. It is never straightforward unless it is dealt with sensitively. Your parents need to consider their legacy — what they want to be remembered for, what values they hope to pass down — as well as their 'stuff'. Ideally, their decisions should align with what matters most to you all, rather than inadvertently create division.
Money is never just money. It often serves as a proxy for deeper, unspoken dynamics:
• Love: Am I loved? Who is the favourite? • Power: Who gets to decide?• Control: Is money being used as manipulation?• Security: Will I survive without the money I believe is my right? • Legacy: Who will be loyal to my legacy? Will my legacy be what is remembered more than me?
When these questions remain unspoken, resentment or fear can grow. Each family member may tell themselves a story that fits their feelings, ignoring other family members. Old childhood roles re-emerge — was one of you always the 'responsible one' and another the 'bad' sibling? These deeply ingrained narratives shape how you perceive what is 'fair' and who believes they have a right to make the decisions.
Reflecting on how your family has historically related to money is essential. Was it openly discussed or shrouded in secrecy? Did previous generations experience financial scarcity, creating a mindset of precarity? Understanding these patterns won't provide instant solutions, but it will help you to see the context within which your beliefs have formed — it can help you to resist being pulled into knee-jerk reactions.
Families tend to approach inheritance in one of four ways
Equality: Assets are divided equally to preserve family unity.
Reciprocity: Distribution is based on past contributions or needs.
Egoism: Decisions are made with individual self-interest in mind, with little regard for family cohesion.
Tradition: Rules have been passed down from the past, like primogeniture, where the cohesion of the estate overrides individual family members.
There are no clear answers to this, but I suggest as a family, you think about these ideas:
1. Pause ongoing plans — talk together. Ask your parents and siblings to delay major decisions and invite open discussion. Transparency is crucial, as secrecy or sudden surprises tend to escalate conflict. It helps if parents can share their reasons and allow space for their children's perspectives to be heard.
2. Commit to honest conversations — this is easier said than done. These discussions aren't just about 'who gets what' but about what feels just and emotionally fair. The key is to ensure that no topic or feeling is off-limits — when people feel heard, it reduces the toxicity of underlying tensions. Be patient; this process takes time.
3. Agree on shared values — what does your family stand for? Do you prioritise fairness, tradition, or security? If you can align on your core values, they can act as a guiding principle for decisions.
4. Accept conflict but prioritise repair — disagreements are inevitable, but how you handle them will determine whether your relationships survive intact. Acknowledge when something feels unfair, name your feelings without blame, and work towards repair rather than retreat into silent resentment, or replay old fights. Be mindful of past family patterns — the roles that each act out.
5. Imagine your future — picture where you want your family to be in five or ten years. What does a 'good outcome' look like — not just financially, but emotionally? If the ultimate goal is to maintain close sibling bonds, then protect and prioritise those relationships over the assets.
6. Seek professional advice — inheritance disputes are rarely just financial; they are deeply psychological. A mediator or family therapist can help to navigate difficult conversations alongside financial advisers who can provide practical guidance. You may not want to spend the money on this now, but any money spent now will save you financially and psychologically .
7. Discuss the chattels — many fiercest battles are over objects with emotional value. If your parents are willing, discuss these now, while they can help to facilitate fairness. Some families take turns choosing items, while others use written agreements to avoid future disputes.
• Read more advice from Julia Samuel on The Times
These conversations will challenge you all, but they are also an opportunity. I've seen families torn apart over wealth, but I've also seen families who come through this process more robust as a unit, with a deeper love for one another.
I believe that family bonds — being there for each other in times of crisis, celebration and day-to-day —are more protective than financial wealth. If you're lucky enough to inherit financial security, let it strengthen your relationships, not break them.
I hope this helps, and I wish you and your family the best to find a resolution that works for everyone.