What is 'submarining'? A toxic dating trend making a comeback. How to spot it before it hurts you

Time of India

13 hours ago

Imagine talking to someone, building a connection, sharing your time—and then, poof! They vanish. Weeks or months pass, and out of nowhere, they reappear in your messages like nothing happened. No apology. No explanation. Just a casual 'Hey, how have you been?' If that scenario sounds all too familiar, you may have just been
submarined
—and dating experts say it's on the rise.
The Sinister Side of 'Submarining'
Like its naval namesake, this dating trend involves someone disappearing beneath the surface and re-emerging unannounced. Unlike ghosting, which is final, submarining carries a sting of
emotional manipulation
. The person ghosts you and then resurfaces in your life without addressing their disappearance. No guilt. No remorse. Just vibes.
The term has gained serious traction—Google searches for 'submarining in dating' have reportedly surged by 350% in the US over the past year. And while the act isn't new, experts say it reflects a troubling lack of accountability in
modern dating culture
.
iStock
Like its naval namesake, submarining dating trend involves someone disappearing beneath the surface and re-emerging unannounced. (Representational image: iStock)
Why Do People Submarine? Experts Explain the Motive
According to author Gigi Engle, the motivations behind submarining are rarely sincere. 'They want someone to talk to and make them feel good about themselves,' she said in a recent interview with
Men's Health
. 'It's pretty unlikely that it's because this person actually cares about you.'
It often stems from insecurity, boredom, or a romantic fallback plan gone awry. Dating coach Jonathan Bennett suggests many submarine attempts come after other relationships fizzle out. 'Since they don't want to admit the truth, whatever that is, they resort to submarining instead—and hope you fall for it,' he explained.
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How to Handle It: Should You Let Them Surface Again?
So what should you do if someone suddenly pops back into your life like a texting torpedo? Experts suggest proceeding with caution.
'You can respond however you see fit,' Engle noted. 'If you really want to give this person another chance, that's up to you. Just be aware that this is likely not going to end well.'
Submarining, at its core, is a form of emotional breadcrumbing—dropping just enough attention to keep someone hopeful, without offering anything meaningful. And unless you're looking for déjà vu heartbreak, most experts advise swimming the other way.
'If you're feeling gutsy,' Engle added, 'you can reply to their submarine text and tell them that this is a lame thing to do. If they wanted to chat, they shouldn't have been so rude in the first place.'
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In the murky waters of modern dating, submarining is a painful reminder that not everyone navigates relationships with honesty or respect. Recognizing the signs—and learning to value your emotional well-being—can help you steer clear of this emotionally draining trend.
Because if they went underwater once, chances are, they'll do it again.