‘Am I crazy to think my partner secretly wants to get back with his wife?'
I have been in a relationship with a man for the past seven years and I feel that we are in constant stalemate. He was previously married, for 15 years, and has three children by his first wife.
I don't know why I am saying 'first' wife as they have not divorced and I am beginning to lose hope. She cheated on him, and her lover moved into the family home for a long time, but that too broke up and she is now on her own with the teenage kids.
My partner does not bring me to any of the kids' events and, at first, I was relieved not to have anything to do with them, but now it feels like I am not important enough in his life. He goes to all the school meetings and to the sports events, and I know that he is meeting her there.
Am I crazy to think he secretly wants to get back with this wife?
READ MORE
I have met some of his family, but I'm not close with any of them and I think they disapprove of the age difference between us – I am almost 10 years younger than him. I have invested some of the best years of my life with this man, and I've given up on having children of my own because he said he did not want any more. I want to be central to his life but every time I bring it up, he fobs me off.
My friends mostly live abroad and none of them are in stable relationships, so they are not that supportive and tell me to leave him. I love him and really want to grow old with him so feel that I have no option but to hope that he'll see sense and ask me to marry him.
Answer
Seven years is a long time to be in an undefined relationship, and from what you say there is no sign that the situation is going to change. Particularly disturbing is your lack of involvement in your partner's children's lives, as this shows how compartmentalised he has made his life.
You say that you love him, and this is no doubt the main reason you have stayed in such an uncomfortable situation for so long; however, the effect on you of being somewhat sidelined is intense and negative.
What we expect from our primary relationships is to feel secure in the knowledge of our importance – that is, that we are number one in the list of priorities in our loved one's life. You do not have this but neither do you have another crucial factor: kindness. Your partner is not being kind to you by partitioning you off into a section of his life, and presumably you have asked to be more central and for your position to be made official.
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'I've been blind to the fact that my partner is actually married to his mother'
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In order to make an informed decision, we need two things, information and experience, and after seven years you have ample amounts of both. Putting off making a decision for another few years is unlikely to improve the outcome, so now is the time to muster your courage and face the reality of this relationship. You have outlined all the information that you need, and your experience has told you that the habit of so many years is set and its effect on you is soul destroying. When we are not listened to for a period of time, our confidence suffers, and you have not been heard or been validated for years, so the assumption is that your self-worth has taken a huge hit.
This can result in a struggle to believe enough in yourself to act with decisiveness or faith that you can do better, and so lethargy sets in. You need to invest in your own self-worth and confidence – perhaps take some time to visit those friends who are living successfully without partners, listen to their concerns for you and allow their care for you to sink in, as this may help to break the cycle of stasis in your relationship.
Check if your work allows sabbaticals, or unpaid leave. If your partner reacts by inviting you back into the relationship, be clear that the only way back is divorce followed by marriage, as you have said that this is what you want. You will need support to maintain this stance, so make sure you have backup plans so you don't slide back into familiar territory. Any action you take will contribute to your self-confidence, and with time your sense of self will grow so that you are happy to make demands for yourself. Loving someone does not mean you are blind to their faults or that you have to sacrifice your life for theirs.
Your life is the one that needs your energy, attention and devotion, so prioritise it now.
To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below, click
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Irish Times
13 hours ago
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‘Am I crazy to think my partner secretly wants to get back with his wife?'
Question I have been in a relationship with a man for the past seven years and I feel that we are in constant stalemate. He was previously married, for 15 years, and has three children by his first wife. I don't know why I am saying 'first' wife as they have not divorced and I am beginning to lose hope. She cheated on him, and her lover moved into the family home for a long time, but that too broke up and she is now on her own with the teenage kids. My partner does not bring me to any of the kids' events and, at first, I was relieved not to have anything to do with them, but now it feels like I am not important enough in his life. He goes to all the school meetings and to the sports events, and I know that he is meeting her there. Am I crazy to think he secretly wants to get back with this wife? READ MORE I have met some of his family, but I'm not close with any of them and I think they disapprove of the age difference between us – I am almost 10 years younger than him. I have invested some of the best years of my life with this man, and I've given up on having children of my own because he said he did not want any more. I want to be central to his life but every time I bring it up, he fobs me off. My friends mostly live abroad and none of them are in stable relationships, so they are not that supportive and tell me to leave him. I love him and really want to grow old with him so feel that I have no option but to hope that he'll see sense and ask me to marry him. Answer Seven years is a long time to be in an undefined relationship, and from what you say there is no sign that the situation is going to change. Particularly disturbing is your lack of involvement in your partner's children's lives, as this shows how compartmentalised he has made his life. You say that you love him, and this is no doubt the main reason you have stayed in such an uncomfortable situation for so long; however, the effect on you of being somewhat sidelined is intense and negative. What we expect from our primary relationships is to feel secure in the knowledge of our importance – that is, that we are number one in the list of priorities in our loved one's life. You do not have this but neither do you have another crucial factor: kindness. Your partner is not being kind to you by partitioning you off into a section of his life, and presumably you have asked to be more central and for your position to be made official. [ 'I've been blind to the fact that my partner is actually married to his mother' Opens in new window ] In order to make an informed decision, we need two things, information and experience, and after seven years you have ample amounts of both. Putting off making a decision for another few years is unlikely to improve the outcome, so now is the time to muster your courage and face the reality of this relationship. You have outlined all the information that you need, and your experience has told you that the habit of so many years is set and its effect on you is soul destroying. When we are not listened to for a period of time, our confidence suffers, and you have not been heard or been validated for years, so the assumption is that your self-worth has taken a huge hit. This can result in a struggle to believe enough in yourself to act with decisiveness or faith that you can do better, and so lethargy sets in. You need to invest in your own self-worth and confidence – perhaps take some time to visit those friends who are living successfully without partners, listen to their concerns for you and allow their care for you to sink in, as this may help to break the cycle of stasis in your relationship. Check if your work allows sabbaticals, or unpaid leave. If your partner reacts by inviting you back into the relationship, be clear that the only way back is divorce followed by marriage, as you have said that this is what you want. You will need support to maintain this stance, so make sure you have backup plans so you don't slide back into familiar territory. Any action you take will contribute to your self-confidence, and with time your sense of self will grow so that you are happy to make demands for yourself. Loving someone does not mean you are blind to their faults or that you have to sacrifice your life for theirs. Your life is the one that needs your energy, attention and devotion, so prioritise it now. To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below, click here or email tellmeaboutit@ .form-group {width:100% !important;}
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READ MORE When people engage in the world of ideas in this proprietary, insecure way, they become someone others will no longer talk to like a reasonable adult. Those who need it most are thus often insulated from sincere, good faith debate or even relevant information that might challenge their view. They're left, socially and intellectually, trapped within a septic tank of confirmation bias and sanctimonious overconfidence. It doesn't make for an enjoyable, relaxed Sunday lunch with the family, but it's not a catastrophe. When their influence is limited to pontificating at your poor, hard-of-hearing granny across a dish of green beans, there's little harm done apart from a tasty lunch spoiled and a few balled fists concealed under the table. 'Jockrates', at it again. However, this approach to forming and defending beliefs can be harmful when something important is at stake, or when it's the chosen operating system of someone with actual influence or power over others. We'd prefer our elected public representatives to be open-minded, willing to reconsider when there's good reason to do so, and to be capable of evolution of their ideological positions as circumstances and times change. We should probably consider those who think at 45 what they thought at age 15 with a good deal of wariness. To live 30 years in the belief that every experience merely confirms what you thought before is stronger evidence of being an ideologue than erudite. It's a little embarrassing. It's kind of insane. [ Cognitive bias can prevent us from knowing when to quit Opens in new window ] It's strange, then, that we often by default denigrate people who change their minds. The couple who decide after careful thought that they no longer want kids (hopefully before having them rather than after). The friend who quits their corporate job at 48 to become a yoga teacher and paint watercolours. The Fine Gael voter who switches to Labour, or vice versa. We'll accuse a politician who changes their position based on conscience of flip-flopping and treat someone who converts to a new religion with patronising suspicion. We'll view a person who openly admits to thinking they were wrong before as therefore more likely to be wrong now, while someone who sticks intransigently to the same set of ideas with the impermeable resistance of a sea wall is viewed as stalwart and reliable. [ Critical thinking training can reduce belief in conspiracy theories, study by UCC psychologists finds Opens in new window ] Yet changing your mind is surely an inevitable consequence of thinking. Of being more interested in what is true than what is convenient, advantageous or popular. Life experience, education (formal or self-taught) and exposure to new ways of thinking about old ideas should challenge the assumptions we walked in with. A long-standing unexamined belief is indistinguishable from a habit, and no more deserving of respect than a recently adopted one. We should treasure our most difficult, infuriatingly closed-off and overconfident loved ones as symbols of what happens when we lose interest in being challenged, really listening to other people, or braving judgment or disapproval for changing our view when there's good reason to. It may be minor comfort, but perhaps Auntie Bridget and 'Jockrates' may have something to teach us over the green beans after all.
