How To Get Your Kid to Stop Being So Hard on Themselves

Yahoo

21-07-2025

Reviewed by Charissa Chamorro, PhD
When our kids are being extra hard on themselves, it can be truly heartbreaking. You might hear your child saying things like 'No one likes me because I'm ugly,' or 'I can't figure out this math problem—I'm so dumb.' And it's perfectly normal to be concerned. 'These comments can be alarming and leave parents feeling helpless or unsure of how to respond,' says Sarah Kipnes, LCSW, PPSC, licensed therapist.
If your child is being extra critical, you may worry about how this impacts your child's overall mental health, and whether this could lead to social withdrawal, anxiety, and problems at school. Most of all, you probably want to know how you can help your child tackle this negative mindset.
No worries—we've got you covered. We connected with child behavior experts to help us understand why kids can be so hard on themselves, how to tell if your child is struggling with this—and most importantly, how to help boost up your child's self-esteem and self-image.
Why Kids Are So Hard On Themselves
Kids are overly self-critical due to a combination of factors. "Most often, it's a mix of temperament, anxiety, and social factors that leads kids to be so hard on themselves,' Kipnes says.
Here are some possible reasons:
Temperament
One reason behind a child's tendency to be hard on themselves is their natural temperament. 'For instance, a child with a naturally perfectionistic temperament might become extremely upset over a single wrong answer on a test, feeling like they've failed entirely,' says Kipnes.
Environment
Your child's home environment can also have an impact on their self-critical habits, says Jocelyn Bibi, LCSW, a therapist who specializes in child behavior. Kids are little sponges and pick up on the language they hear at home. In other words, if they hear you criticizing yourself constantly, or being unwilling to give anyone grace when they make mistakes, they may pick up on that, says Bibi.
Anxiety
Some kids are more prone to feelings of anxiety than others, and some kids live with chronic anxiety disorders. Anxiety often plays a role in children being hard on themselves, says Kipnes. 'Children who worry a lot may interpret small setbacks as major disasters, like believing a poor grade on one homework assignment means they're 'bad students,'' she describes.
Social pressures
Social pressures at school and among classmates can have strong impacts on kids, too. 'For example, seeing classmates thrive in making friends at school while your child is shy and hesitant to connect with others can make them feel inferior,' Kipnes says.
Social media and other media
Last—but definitely not least—the influence of social media, videos, and movies can be a major reason kids are overly self-critical, Bibi notes. 'Many influencers on social media make life look perfect,' she describes. 'Helping kids realize that these internet personas likely aren't real life can be helpful.'
7 Signs That Children Are Overly Self-Critical
It can be developmentally appropriate for kids to question why they do certain things or to self-reflect, says Bibi. But when self-critique becomes extreme—it's a problem. 'Parents really need to pay attention once they notice this self-criticism dripping into their child's vocabulary regularly,' Bibi shares. 'If a child's self-criticism drifts from questioning the world to negatively affecting self-esteem, that's when we see parents start to worry.'
Kipnes and Bibi shared some signs that point to a child who is struggling with unhealthy self-criticism:
Frequent negative self-talk, such as saying 'I'm stupid' or 'I can't do anything right'
Isolating themselves from their peers and family members
Making detailed lists of things they want to change about themselves
Avoiding new challenges or giving up easily
Becoming overly upset by small mistakes (e.g., tearing up homework after making a minor mistake)
Refusing to participate in activities where they fear they might perform worse than others
Exhibit signs of moodiness, depression, and is overall less engaged with the world around them
What Not to Say When Your Child Is Being Too Hard on Themselves
If you notice your child engages in excessive self-criticism, it's natural to want to swoop in and fix things. You might feel tempted to affirm what you already believe—that they're perfect, smart, and there's nothing is wrong with them.
But responding this way doesn't actually serve your child, explains Bibi. Instead, meet them where they're at and dive into their feelings. This might sound like: 'It looks like you're feeling down about how you did on your math test. Tell me more,' instead. According to Bibi, helping your child be less hard on themselves requires taking a back seat at the beginning, and not jumping in with solutions. 'Be curious and inquisitive," she says. "Help them find their strengths.'
Kipnes agrees that dismissive phrases like 'Don't be silly, you're fine' or 'Stop overreacting' are best avoided, 'These responses can make children feel misunderstood or shut down,' she says. Instead, she recommends validating your child's feelings, while also encouraging self-compassion. That might sound like: 'I can see you're feeling really upset about this. Can we talk about what's making it so hard?' or 'It's OK to make mistakes, we all do.'
How To Help Build a Kinder Inner Voice
Guiding your child through times that they are overly self-critical is all about changing the little voice inside their head that gives harsh critiques. Here are some tips on how to do this, from Kipnes:
Start with modeling self-compassion for yourself. Next time you make a mistake in front of your child, speak kindly to yourself aloud so they can hear. You can say, "I tried my best and had fun and that's what matters" or "It's OK to make mistakes, I'm not perfect."
Encourage your child to start reframing negative thoughts. Have them ask themselves: 'If a friend was talking unkindly about themselves, what would you say to them in this situation to help them feel better about who they are?'
Practice positive affirmations together. Find a list of affirmations that resonates with both of you and read them out loud before bed or after waking up.
Celebrate effort and learning in life, rather than just outcomes. If you know your child studied really hard for a test, you can commemorate their hard work with a treat.
Work to create a family culture that values resilience, self-acceptance, and a growth mindset. This may take time, but by making encouraging comments and rewarding effort, you can slowly start shifting your family's shared values.
What to Do When It's More Than Just a Bad Day
While parents can take many steps to nurture a more positive self-image for children, they don't have to do it alone, and sometimes outside help is necessary.
'If your child's self-critical thoughts are persistent, interfere with daily life, or lead to signs of anxiety, depression, or withdrawal, it's time to seek professional help,' Kipnes says. 'A licensed therapist or school social worker can provide strategies tailored to your child's needs and help address underlying issues.'
Read the original article on Parents
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