What to Say When Someone's Being Rude on an Airplane
Tempers often soar sky-high on airplanes—and that's not just because of the cramped quarters, lack of an escape route, and frequent delays. In the same way that travelers are geographically and culturally diverse, they come from a hodgepodge of etiquette backgrounds, too. 'The rules in Manhattan, Kansas, are different than in Manhattan, New York,' says Nick Leighton, who co-hosts the etiquette podcast Were You Raised By Wolves? 'We're all operating from slightly different etiquette playbooks, and we all have slightly different ideas about personal space, volume, and what's acceptable and not acceptable. Combine that with people being sleep-deprived, hungry, cranky, and stressed out, and it's a recipe for disaster.'
How should you handle an inconsiderate or even unruly fellow passenger? We asked experts to share the best words to use.
'Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you....'
No matter what your fellow traveler is doing to annoy you—maybe reclining their seat back so far, you can't feel your legs—you can use a variety of diplomatic opening lines. One of Leighton's favorites is apologizing for bothering them, and then segueing into your issue. 'With a lot of these things that are happening on an airplane, people are not being malicious,' he says. 'They're not intending to make things unpleasant for you. It helps to come at it with that understanding.'
'I hope you don't mind me asking, but could you put your shoes back on?'
This is another polite way to call out someone's inappropriate behavior. It's not an attack and shouldn't make them feel defensive. You could also word it like this, Leighton suggests: 'I hope you don't mind me mentioning this, but I can see an inappropriate video on your phone, and I'm with my child. Would it be possible to watch something else?'
'Could I ask a small favor?'
It's hard to ask a perfect stranger to do something that will benefit you while potentially disrupting them. That's why Leighton likes this phrasing or a similar approach: 'I understand this is inconvenient, but would it be possible for you to close the window shade?'
Read More: 8 Ways to Respond to an Apology Besides 'It's OK'
When you make a request in such a friendly way, it's more likely 'to be received in the spirit in which it's intended,' Leighton says. He advises using a non-judgmental, neutral tone, and not pushing the issue. 'That's the best way to prevent things from escalating,' he says. 'Because in an airplane, we just don't want things to escalate.'
'Hoo boy! That sandwich really smells pungent.'
If your neighbor's tuna sandwich is really bothering you—are those extra onions?—open your air vent and then try handling the situation with humor. 'Maybe the person will get the hint, though that doesn't mean they're going to stop eating,' says Jacqueline Whitmore, a former flight attendant who's now an etiquette expert and founder of the Protocol School of Palm Beach, a coaching and training company.
If you're seriously struggling with the noxious odor, it might be best to enlist a crew member's help, she adds, especially if you'll be in the air for a while. 'I'd get up and discreetly speak to a flight attendant and say, 'Do you have another seat available?'' she suggests. ''I'm really having a hard time with the smelly sandwich.''
'Thanks for the conversation. I'm going to get some work done now.'
Maybe you're fortunate enough to be sitting next to a friendly passenger. (It could always be much, much worse.) That doesn't mean you want to spend the duration of the flight making small talk. After some brief banter, tell them it was nice chatting with them, and that you're going to shift your attention elsewhere—which could mean opening your laptop, taking a nap, or simply zoning out. Ending the conversation is preferable to simply ignoring the other person, Whitmore says. To help ensure she has an easy time pivoting from unwanted conversations, 'I always travel with earbuds,' she adds.
'I'm going to push your bag over just a bit to give myself some more leg room.'
One of the most common complaints on flights is that another traveler's legs or bags are spilling into their neighbor's personal space. 'It happens all the time,' Whitmore says. If someone has stuffed their duffel bag in front of them—rather than in the overhead bin, where it should be stowed—she reaches down and says, 'Sorry, I'm just going to push your bag over a bit so I have more leg room.' Most people are understanding, she's found.
'Do you mind turning the volume down? I can't hear my movie.'
When you request something from a stranger on a plane, it's best to offer a reason, says Rich Henderson, a flight attendant who hosts the podcast Two Guys on a Plane with his husband. That includes not being able to hear the sound of your own podcast or movie over the volume of theirs. 'I always feel like giving a reason just really helps people process, like, I'm not just doing this to just shut you down,' he says. 'I'm doing this because I'm legitimately having an issue here.' Most people are receptive to that, he adds.
'Sorry—I'm not able to help.'
Airplane disputes often occur when one traveler asks another to switch seats in order to be closer to a friend or family member. Often, one of them splurged for an assigned seat, while the other didn't, and these requests usually don't land well. 'I don't have a lot of empathy for that, because these people paid for their seats,' Henderson says. 'We can ask, but there's no forcing anybody here.'
Read More: 8 Things to Say During a Fight With Your Partner
If you're on the receiving end of such a request, and you don't want to move, he suggests handling the situation in a succinct, straightforward way: by telling them you're not able to help. No further explanation is necessary.
'Hey, sorry to wake you up.'
Sure, there are perks to a window seat. But if you're in the aisle? No one cares how many times you pop up to head to the restroom. Otherwise, you run the risk of having to wake up the stranger(s) next to you when nature calls. In those situations, Henderson suggests starting verbally: In a louder-than-usual voice, let your seatmate know you need to get up. 'Nobody likes to be touched in a surprising way,' he says. If that doesn't work, however, it's OK to say 'excuse me' loudly and lightly tap the other person's shoulder. 'That usually does the trick,' he says.
'Could you repeat that?'
When a passenger is clearly starting to get agitated, Henderson likes to ask them to repeat what they just said. People often speak without thinking, he's found, and when pressed to say their rude remark again while looking someone in the eyes, they usually won't repeat it. 'They'll either rephrase it or they'll be like, 'You know what, it's not that big of a deal,' because they realize maybe they went too far,' he says.
Read More: How to Respond to an Insult, According to Therapists
One of the best things about this line is its versatility: It will work in many situations involving ill-mannered airplane passengers. 'If you're in one of those situations, whether it's over a seat recliner or an armrest or whatever the case may be, just be like, 'Hey, say that again—I didn't hear you,'" he advises. 'It works really well to get people to not flip out.'
Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@time.com
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
Yahoo
a day ago
- Yahoo
What to Say When Someone's Being Rude on an Airplane
Credit - Photo-Illustration by Chloe Dowling for TIME (Source Image: Trifonenko/Getty Images) Tempers often soar sky-high on airplanes—and that's not just because of the cramped quarters, lack of an escape route, and frequent delays. In the same way that travelers are geographically and culturally diverse, they come from a hodgepodge of etiquette backgrounds, too. 'The rules in Manhattan, Kansas, are different than in Manhattan, New York,' says Nick Leighton, who co-hosts the etiquette podcast Were You Raised By Wolves? 'We're all operating from slightly different etiquette playbooks, and we all have slightly different ideas about personal space, volume, and what's acceptable and not acceptable. Combine that with people being sleep-deprived, hungry, cranky, and stressed out, and it's a recipe for disaster.' How should you handle an inconsiderate or even unruly fellow passenger? We asked experts to share the best words to use. No matter what your fellow traveler is doing to annoy you—maybe reclining their seat back so far, you can't feel your legs—you can use a variety of diplomatic opening lines. One of Leighton's favorites is apologizing for bothering them, and then segueing into your issue. 'With a lot of these things that are happening on an airplane, people are not being malicious,' he says. 'They're not intending to make things unpleasant for you. It helps to come at it with that understanding.' This is another polite way to call out someone's inappropriate behavior. It's not an attack and shouldn't make them feel defensive. You could also word it like this, Leighton suggests: 'I hope you don't mind me mentioning this, but I can see an inappropriate video on your phone, and I'm with my child. Would it be possible to watch something else?' It's hard to ask a perfect stranger to do something that will benefit you while potentially disrupting them. That's why Leighton likes this phrasing or a similar approach: 'I understand this is inconvenient, but would it be possible for you to close the window shade?' Read More: 8 Ways to Respond to an Apology Besides 'It's OK' When you make a request in such a friendly way, it's more likely 'to be received in the spirit in which it's intended,' Leighton says. He advises using a non-judgmental, neutral tone, and not pushing the issue. 'That's the best way to prevent things from escalating,' he says. 'Because in an airplane, we just don't want things to escalate.' If your neighbor's tuna sandwich is really bothering you—are those extra onions?—open your air vent and then try handling the situation with humor. 'Maybe the person will get the hint, though that doesn't mean they're going to stop eating,' says Jacqueline Whitmore, a former flight attendant who's now an etiquette expert and founder of the Protocol School of Palm Beach, a coaching and training company. If you're seriously struggling with the noxious odor, it might be best to enlist a crew member's help, she adds, especially if you'll be in the air for a while. 'I'd get up and discreetly speak to a flight attendant and say, 'Do you have another seat available?'' she suggests. ''I'm really having a hard time with the smelly sandwich.'' Maybe you're fortunate enough to be sitting next to a friendly passenger. (It could always be much, much worse.) That doesn't mean you want to spend the duration of the flight making small talk. After some brief banter, tell them it was nice chatting with them, and that you're going to shift your attention elsewhere—which could mean opening your laptop, taking a nap, or simply zoning out. Ending the conversation is preferable to simply ignoring the other person, Whitmore says. To help ensure she has an easy time pivoting from unwanted conversations, 'I always travel with earbuds,' she adds. One of the most common complaints on flights is that another traveler's legs or bags are spilling into their neighbor's personal space. 'It happens all the time,' Whitmore says. If someone has stuffed their duffel bag in front of them—rather than in the overhead bin, where it should be stowed—she reaches down and says, 'Sorry, I'm just going to push your bag over a bit so I have more leg room.' Most people are understanding, she's found. When you request something from a stranger on a plane, it's best to offer a reason, says Rich Henderson, a flight attendant who hosts the podcast Two Guys on a Plane with his husband. That includes not being able to hear the sound of your own podcast or movie over the volume of theirs. 'I always feel like giving a reason just really helps people process, like, I'm not just doing this to just shut you down,' he says. 'I'm doing this because I'm legitimately having an issue here.' Most people are receptive to that, he adds. Airplane disputes often occur when one traveler asks another to switch seats in order to be closer to a friend or family member. Often, one of them splurged for an assigned seat, while the other didn't, and these requests usually don't land well. 'I don't have a lot of empathy for that, because these people paid for their seats,' Henderson says. 'We can ask, but there's no forcing anybody here.' Read More: 8 Things to Say During a Fight With Your Partner If you're on the receiving end of such a request, and you don't want to move, he suggests handling the situation in a succinct, straightforward way: by telling them you're not able to help. No further explanation is necessary. Sure, there are perks to a window seat. But if you're in the aisle? No one cares how many times you pop up to head to the restroom. Otherwise, you run the risk of having to wake up the stranger(s) next to you when nature calls. In those situations, Henderson suggests starting verbally: In a louder-than-usual voice, let your seatmate know you need to get up. 'Nobody likes to be touched in a surprising way,' he says. If that doesn't work, however, it's OK to say 'excuse me' loudly and lightly tap the other person's shoulder. 'That usually does the trick,' he says. When a passenger is clearly starting to get agitated, Henderson likes to ask them to repeat what they just said. People often speak without thinking, he's found, and when pressed to say their rude remark again while looking someone in the eyes, they usually won't repeat it. 'They'll either rephrase it or they'll be like, 'You know what, it's not that big of a deal,' because they realize maybe they went too far,' he says. Read More: How to Respond to an Insult, According to Therapists One of the best things about this line is its versatility: It will work in many situations involving ill-mannered airplane passengers. 'If you're in one of those situations, whether it's over a seat recliner or an armrest or whatever the case may be, just be like, 'Hey, say that again—I didn't hear you,'" he advises. 'It works really well to get people to not flip out.' Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@ Contact us at letters@
Time Magazine
a day ago
- Time Magazine
What to Say When Someone's Being Rude on an Airplane
Tempers often soar sky-high on airplanes—and that's not just because of the cramped quarters, lack of an escape route, and frequent delays. In the same way that travelers are geographically and culturally diverse, they come from a hodgepodge of etiquette backgrounds, too. 'The rules in Manhattan, Kansas, are different than in Manhattan, New York,' says Nick Leighton, who co-hosts the etiquette podcast Were You Raised By Wolves? 'We're all operating from slightly different etiquette playbooks, and we all have slightly different ideas about personal space, volume, and what's acceptable and not acceptable. Combine that with people being sleep-deprived, hungry, cranky, and stressed out, and it's a recipe for disaster.' How should you handle an inconsiderate or even unruly fellow passenger? We asked experts to share the best words to use. 'Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you....' No matter what your fellow traveler is doing to annoy you—maybe reclining their seat back so far, you can't feel your legs—you can use a variety of diplomatic opening lines. One of Leighton's favorites is apologizing for bothering them, and then segueing into your issue. 'With a lot of these things that are happening on an airplane, people are not being malicious,' he says. 'They're not intending to make things unpleasant for you. It helps to come at it with that understanding.' 'I hope you don't mind me asking, but could you put your shoes back on?' This is another polite way to call out someone's inappropriate behavior. It's not an attack and shouldn't make them feel defensive. You could also word it like this, Leighton suggests: 'I hope you don't mind me mentioning this, but I can see an inappropriate video on your phone, and I'm with my child. Would it be possible to watch something else?' 'Could I ask a small favor?' It's hard to ask a perfect stranger to do something that will benefit you while potentially disrupting them. That's why Leighton likes this phrasing or a similar approach: 'I understand this is inconvenient, but would it be possible for you to close the window shade?' Read More: 8 Ways to Respond to an Apology Besides 'It's OK' When you make a request in such a friendly way, it's more likely 'to be received in the spirit in which it's intended,' Leighton says. He advises using a non-judgmental, neutral tone, and not pushing the issue. 'That's the best way to prevent things from escalating,' he says. 'Because in an airplane, we just don't want things to escalate.' 'Hoo boy! That sandwich really smells pungent.' If your neighbor's tuna sandwich is really bothering you—are those extra onions?—open your air vent and then try handling the situation with humor. 'Maybe the person will get the hint, though that doesn't mean they're going to stop eating,' says Jacqueline Whitmore, a former flight attendant who's now an etiquette expert and founder of the Protocol School of Palm Beach, a coaching and training company. If you're seriously struggling with the noxious odor, it might be best to enlist a crew member's help, she adds, especially if you'll be in the air for a while. 'I'd get up and discreetly speak to a flight attendant and say, 'Do you have another seat available?'' she suggests. ''I'm really having a hard time with the smelly sandwich.'' 'Thanks for the conversation. I'm going to get some work done now.' Maybe you're fortunate enough to be sitting next to a friendly passenger. (It could always be much, much worse.) That doesn't mean you want to spend the duration of the flight making small talk. After some brief banter, tell them it was nice chatting with them, and that you're going to shift your attention elsewhere—which could mean opening your laptop, taking a nap, or simply zoning out. Ending the conversation is preferable to simply ignoring the other person, Whitmore says. To help ensure she has an easy time pivoting from unwanted conversations, 'I always travel with earbuds,' she adds. 'I'm going to push your bag over just a bit to give myself some more leg room.' One of the most common complaints on flights is that another traveler's legs or bags are spilling into their neighbor's personal space. 'It happens all the time,' Whitmore says. If someone has stuffed their duffel bag in front of them—rather than in the overhead bin, where it should be stowed—she reaches down and says, 'Sorry, I'm just going to push your bag over a bit so I have more leg room.' Most people are understanding, she's found. 'Do you mind turning the volume down? I can't hear my movie.' When you request something from a stranger on a plane, it's best to offer a reason, says Rich Henderson, a flight attendant who hosts the podcast Two Guys on a Plane with his husband. That includes not being able to hear the sound of your own podcast or movie over the volume of theirs. 'I always feel like giving a reason just really helps people process, like, I'm not just doing this to just shut you down,' he says. 'I'm doing this because I'm legitimately having an issue here.' Most people are receptive to that, he adds. 'Sorry—I'm not able to help.' Airplane disputes often occur when one traveler asks another to switch seats in order to be closer to a friend or family member. Often, one of them splurged for an assigned seat, while the other didn't, and these requests usually don't land well. 'I don't have a lot of empathy for that, because these people paid for their seats,' Henderson says. 'We can ask, but there's no forcing anybody here.' Read More: 8 Things to Say During a Fight With Your Partner If you're on the receiving end of such a request, and you don't want to move, he suggests handling the situation in a succinct, straightforward way: by telling them you're not able to help. No further explanation is necessary. 'Hey, sorry to wake you up.' Sure, there are perks to a window seat. But if you're in the aisle? No one cares how many times you pop up to head to the restroom. Otherwise, you run the risk of having to wake up the stranger(s) next to you when nature calls. In those situations, Henderson suggests starting verbally: In a louder-than-usual voice, let your seatmate know you need to get up. 'Nobody likes to be touched in a surprising way,' he says. If that doesn't work, however, it's OK to say 'excuse me' loudly and lightly tap the other person's shoulder. 'That usually does the trick,' he says. 'Could you repeat that?' When a passenger is clearly starting to get agitated, Henderson likes to ask them to repeat what they just said. People often speak without thinking, he's found, and when pressed to say their rude remark again while looking someone in the eyes, they usually won't repeat it. 'They'll either rephrase it or they'll be like, 'You know what, it's not that big of a deal,' because they realize maybe they went too far,' he says. Read More: How to Respond to an Insult, According to Therapists One of the best things about this line is its versatility: It will work in many situations involving ill-mannered airplane passengers. 'If you're in one of those situations, whether it's over a seat recliner or an armrest or whatever the case may be, just be like, 'Hey, say that again—I didn't hear you,'" he advises. 'It works really well to get people to not flip out.' Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@
Washington Post
4 days ago
- Washington Post
Is it rude to ditch your travel partner for the airport lounge? We asked.
Traveling has always come with complications. Our By The Way Concierge column will take your travel dilemmas to the experts to help you navigate the unexpected. Want to see your question answered? Submit it here. As airport lounges crack down on crowds, some are getting stricter with guest policies by implementing new rules and higher fees. If you're a card-carrying member, but your travel companion is not, is it a faux pas to leave them behind for a little lounge time before your flight? All is fair in love and upgrades? Not quite. The airport lounge can feel like a port in the storm, an elegant oasis away from the chaos of the greater terminal. But they're not worth ruining a relationship over — or at least the start of a trip. 'Let's just acknowledge that these lounges are fine, but they are not amazing,' said Nick Leighton, co-host of the etiquette podcast 'Were you raised by wolves?' 'Like if the Qantas First [Class] Lounge was plopped into the middle of New York City, would it be the hottest restaurant or a lounge down? No, it would not.' In fact, 'there are a lot of lounges around the world where it is worse than the terminal outside,' Leighton added. But the allure of 'free' charcuterie and can be alluring, so let's figure out what to do in a lopsided membership situation. Tackling this question starts with establishing some context, says Jo Hayes, founder of First: who is the travel companion? If it's a colleague, Hayes says you may appreciate some time apart anyway. Leighton agrees, so long as you're talking about your work equal. 'It's sort of like every man for himself if you're at the same level,' he said. 'It's a little trickier if you're traveling and your boss doesn't have access. There's a little power dynamic there.' To avoid flexing on your colleague — superior, subordinate, whoever, really — Leighton says to part ways before you get to the lounge, maybe mentioning you're going to grab some food and you'll see them at the gate later. Mostly, you don't want to rub in your elite status. 'We want to be mindful of your companions' feelings; we don't want to embarrass them,' Leighton said. A loved one — like a family member or your romantic partner — is a different story. 'I think the default setting is that you don't go,' Leighton said. Lisa Richey, founder of the American Academy of Etiquette, Inc., had the same sentiment. 'Instead, find a quiet corner, have a coffee, and be fully present,' she said. 'This is a great opportunity to enjoy a human connection.' However, every relationship is different. Leighton pointed out that some couples appreciate a break from each other, they might not even choose to sit next to each other on the plane. 'In that case, have at it,' he said. 'Enjoy that lounge; enjoy that warm prosecco!' If you don't have that kind of 'separate togetherness' approach to your travel day, consider their reaction to a proposed split. How do you think that conversation is going to go? Will you hurt their feelings by even asking? And what kind of airport are you leaving them in? Is the terminal miserable and your lounge visit further salting the wound? Hayes says whatever the scenario, her No. 1 tip is to have clear communication before you decide. Here's her sample script: 'We've got a two-hour layover. How would you feel about my going into the lounge for that time? It feels a bit awkward, or rude, leaving you out here, so if you'd prefer I stay with you, just say so.' Frame the question in a way that's polite and demonstrates you have considered their feelings. You want them to feel respected, and that you don't want to do anything that would hurt them. 'This is what good manners are all about,' Hayes said. Plus, 'when people feel respected, they're far more likely to offer grace in return,' she added.
