Why FAFO parenting is blowing up right now

India Today

a day ago

If you're a parent sitting there thinking, "When does this get easy?"—hate to break it to you, but the easy part is long gone. Remember those well-meaning elders who told you to enjoy your pregnancy before the real roller coaster begins? And how you rolled your eyes, thinking, "How hard can it really be?"Well, now you know, it was wisdom speaking. The early days may have been a blur of feeding schedules, first words, and milestone celebrations. But as your child grows, the challenges evolve: What kind of parent do you want to be? How involved is too involved? How much freedom is the right amount?advertisementAnd just when you thought you had parenting figured out, there's a new trend everyone's talking about: FAFO parenting, which stands for F**k Around and Find Out.What is it?
Dr Deepak Gupta, child and adolescent psychiatrist, senior consultant, Sir Ganga Ram Hospital, New Delhi, explains that FAFO parenting is a firm, consequence-based approach where kids learn through real-world outcomes rather than repeated warnings."This approach believes that natural consequences support the development of critical thinking skills by allowing children to feel empowered in their decision-making, rather than simply following directives from authority figures," he tells India Today.To this, Priyanka Kapoor, a Mumbai-based couple and family counsellor, psychotherapist and psychologist, adds that this parenting style lets the child learn the hard way. "People are tired of explaining and being kind to children. Children are taking advantage of politeness and patience, and parents are losing patience," she states.
This parenting style encourages kids to make decisions and learn from them | Photo: Pexels/KoolShooters
She further shares that the ideology behind FAFO parenting is to make the child learn through experiences. Experiences often teach good lessons in life. Such an approach increases resilience, high self-esteem, boundaries, and self-accountability.Goodbye, gentle parentingA lot of parents have started feeling like gentle parenting, while great in theory, can sometimes swing too far. Sure, it's all about empathy and understanding, which sounds amazing, but when every tantrum gets met with endless negotiations, some mums and dads feel like the lines blur. Where are the boundaries? Who's actually in charge here?That's where the concern comes in: if kids never hear 'no' or face real consequences, does that set them up to think the world will always bend for them? Some parents believe it does, and that it can create a sense of entitlement without meaning to.According to Dr Gupta, there's a noticeable shift. Parents are looking for something a little firmer, a style that still cares but doesn't compromise on structure and accountability.Kapoor agrees, "Gentle parenting is giving parents a hard time, where children are becoming more rebellious and disrespectful. Children always think in black and white ways. Their brain is not equipped to understand the shades of grey. Hence, the absence of rules, restrictions, and strictness can lead to children taking advantage."
Parents are taking a break from gentle parenting | Photo: Pexels/Arina Krasnikova
Meanwhile, according to Nishita Srivastava, clinical psychologist, LISSUN (a mental health startup), parents are now moving away from gentle parenting because it can feel exhausting. Being the constant guide, always calm, always explaining, it's a lot. And after all that effort, many still feel taken for granted.Parents resonate with FAFORiddhi Doshi Patel, a Mumbai-based child psychologist and parenting counsellor, says FAFO parenting resonates with parents for two reasons: it promotes independence and responsibility in kids, and it helps parents reclaim the authority they felt they were losing with gentle parenting."With gentle parenting, the support needed to be 100 per cent. Even if you wanted to discipline a child, you'd point it out gently once or avoid discipline altogether. Over time, kids started taking their parents for granted. Parents were stressed, especially during and after the pandemic, when behavioural changes weren't showing up despite all the patience and calmness."advertisementFAFO feels different because it brings boundaries back into the equation. "The idea is simple: you explain, you warn, and if the child still does it, then the responsibility is theirs," Patel says, adding, "Parents like this because they grew up with very authoritative parents and wanted to break away from that. Many went all-in on gentle parenting because social media made it seem like the only 'right' way. But now, they want balance."However, the problem is, parents take one style and follow it to the extreme. You need to merge styles and balance them out.As for Priyanka Kapoor, FAFO parenting makes kids emotionally and physically independent. They are solving their problems themselves. They are able to handle difficult emotions and situations.What it means for kidsNishita Srivastava tells us that this style of parenting gives kids a strong sense of autonomy from an early age. They're trusted to make their own choices, within safe limits, and that freedom comes with an important lesson: every action has a consequence.Whether it's positive or negative, they begin to understand cause and effect in real life. Over time, this helps them develop accountability, decision-making skills, and resilience because they learn to own the results of their choices instead of relying on someone else to bail them out.advertisementShe further explains that FAFO parenting can affect kids both short and long term. At first, children may struggle to see their parent as affectionate rather than cold, but over time, it fosters autonomy and confidence. These kids often develop decision-making skills earlier and feel more assured in their choices.However, Kapoor feels that the FAFO style of parenting may sometimes mean ignorance or neglect to the child. It depends upon the age of the child and also the personality."When the child is young, till the age of eight, they need guidance, warmth, and affection too. For some kids, especially those who are rebellious, it is respect, space, and independence. But kids who are sensitive and emotional can't handle everything all alone emotionally, physically, or in relationships. Hence, each to its own," she adds.While this parenting style can help kids become resilient and emotionally strong, it's not without risks. If taken to the extreme, children may end up feeling detached, lonely, or even emotionally neglected. The lack of warmth and affection can create a sense of emptiness, which over time may build into anger and resentment.advertisementRiddhi Doshi Patel also shares that for kids, FAFO can sometimes feel harsh. The tone of 'I warned you, now deal with it' may backfire, leaving children feeling emotionally unsafe or unsupported. Some may fear making mistakes, worry about who will help them, or even withdraw from sharing things with their parents.If overused, this approach can damage trust, create anxiety, or lead to lying and internalised shame.
Too much of FAFO parenting can lead to fear and lying | Photo: Pexels/August de Richelieu
Is FAFO the right approach?The experts believe that FAFO parenting style can be effective, but only when used thoughtfully. Like anything else, too much of it isn't good. The ideal approach is a balanced one: a mix of authority, warmth, affection, and independence. Without guidance, children can make wrong decisions that may lead to serious consequences.FAFO works best when paired with empathy. If it turns punitive, parents need to reassess and bring in connection-based discipline, like a lighthouse, offering safety, support, and clear boundaries while still giving children space to explore, make mistakes, and grow.No single parenting style works for everyone. What matters is finding the right balance for your child. Extreme approaches rarely work; what children need is firmness combined with kindness.- EndsMust Watch