Money over love? How finances are affecting romantic relationships

Yahoo

9 hours ago

Although the median U.S. annual salary is about $62,192, Americans on average expect their ideal partner to earn six figures, a new survey found.
On average, women want their ideal partner to earn $110,000 while men expect theirs to earn $90,000, according to a Tawkify survey of 1,000 Americans. A quarter of respondents want more, saying their ideal partner should earn over $150,000. That's still not enough for 1 in 10 who are holding out for $250,000 and 1 in 20 who want $500,000 or more.
Some responses were contradictory. More than 6 in 10 Americans (63%) surveyed said they would marry for love, even if it meant a lifelong financial struggle. But if forced to decide between love and money, 46% said they would pick the latter. In fact, nearly 1 in 3 said they'd consider getting back with an ex if that person became wealthy.
Those unemployed in a rough job market may find more trouble in their love life. Nearly half of Americans are taking the lyrics to TLC's 1999 hit 'No Scrubs' to heart, with 48% reporting they would not date someone without a job, even if they were attracted to them.
Brie Temple, Tawkify's chief commercial officer and chief matchmaker, said the matchmaking company's clients want to date someone who adds to their life and not someone who is financially dependent on them.
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'Women, in particular, are saying things like 'I'm not interested in being a nurse or a purse,' particularly if they're dealing with an older demographic,' Temple said.
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Deal breakers
While not the leading cause, money issues are one of the reasons couples get divorced. But conversely, in some cases, money is the reason people stay together. Some 69% of those Tawkify surveyed said they remained in a relationship longer than they wanted due to shared finances.
Single people might be quicker to cut someone off over bad money habits. A separate survey of 2,000 Americans conducted by Talker Research on behalf of Chime, found 26% said a date being ungenerous or stingy gives them a 'financial ick.' At the same time, a third said they would be put off by a partner who lives beyond their means.
Jason Tartick, a banker and host of the podcast 'Trading Secrets,' said overspending is no longer 'cool' because it represents a lack of authenticity.
'It's beyond refreshing in this dating environment because it's allowing for a bit more openness,' said Tartick, who was also a contestant on season 14 of The Bachelorette. 'I think the openness is what will actually create connection, not a facade of something that is just an illusion.'
For Tartick and Dr. Traci Williams, a certified financial therapist, a romantic partner not willing to talk about finances is a red flag in a relationship, if not a deal breaker. Williams added that a partner having lots of debt without a repayment plan or being reckless with money could also be cause for concern.
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'It is possible for couples to be together if they don't have exactly the same values. But can you agree, and can you work together?' Williams said. 'If one person likes to save, and one person likes to spend, yes, you can spend, but are we also saving for our future?'
Generational shifts
Financial responsibility is particularly appealing to members of Generation Z – 78% of whom consider it an important attribute when choosing a partner, according to a separate survey of 1,069 adults by Bank of America.
Most Gen Zers are finding ways to date without spending money, with 53% of men and 54% of women reporting they spend $0 per month on romance. A quarter of Gen Z men and 30% of Gen Z women said they spend less than $100 a month on dating.
When Gen Z does spend money on dates, they're more open to splitting the bill than older generations. The Talker Research/Chime survey found while 45% of Gen Xers and 42% of baby boomers believe men should pick up the tab, only 36% of Gen Zers agreed.
Overall, 39% of men said they feel pressured to appear more financially stable than they are. At 47%, nearly half believe men should cover all the costs of a date, compared to only about a third of women.
'It's just fascinating for me to watch people's conversations online,' Williams said. 'People are regularly saying, 'I want a man who will pay for everything and take me on trips and here, there, and everywhere,' but in reality, when people are actually dating, they tend to be a bit more flexible.'
When the love versus money question is asked in a different way, 58% of women are more likely to pick a 'broke and magical' relationship over financial security, compared to 51% of men, the Tawkify survey found.
When broken down by age group, Gen Z is the generation second most likely to choose love over money, second only to millennials. More than half of both groups said they'd pick the 'broke and magical' relationship. Only 46% of Gen Xers and 48% of baby boomers reported the same.
When and how to talk about money
Half of Gen Zers and millennials said it's attractive when someone is upfront about their income, compared to only 23% of baby boomers, according to the Talker Research/Chime survey. It also found, however, that money remains one of the largest sources of stress in dating.
To alleviate some of that anxiety, Temple recommends couples talk about money early and often in their relationship. Williams suggests setting up a specific time to chat about it once a week or every couple of weeks, if a couple is living together or in a serious relationship.
For those struggling to broach the subject, Williams said even talking to your partner about egg prices is a place to start.
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'The reality is that it's relatable that life's so expensive,' he said. 'As opposed to creating tension with finances by not willing to have the conversations, you can actually create vulnerability by connecting via relatability.'
If your partner shares financial information, Tartick said make sure not to use it against them.
'When we say money, everyone becomes very guarded... We are afraid of being shamed and blamed,' he said. 'You hear people joking around at the dinner table, 'Oh, my wife or husband has Amazon packages everyday' and we're constantly weaponizing information that has to do with spending.'
Financial questions couples should discuss
Tartick suggests asking the following questions to learn about someone's financial values while keeping money conversations fun:
If you won $1 million and had to spend it in 24 hours, what would you spend it on?
What's one thing you know you overspend on, but will keep doing it anyway?
What's your dream income?
Temple recommends asking:
What's the largest splurge purchase you've made for yourself and why?
When I say, 'financial freedom,' what does that bring up for you?
Growing up, how did your parents or guardians talk about money?
Williams also suggests setting clear expectations about who plans and pays for dates early on in a relationship. If money is tight, she recommends budget-friendly ideas including game nights and taking advantage of free museum days.
Tartick said it's time to get real about numbers when a couple thinks about moving in together or getting married. He said they should ask about each other's credit score, number of financial accounts, annual expenses, salary, debt to income ratio, net worth, overall risk tolerance, and their target retirement age.
'If these are the numbers the bank is looking at to decide if you can get a mortgage or a loan to start up a company, why aren't these numbers that we're talking about with our partner?' he said.
Reach Rachel Barber at [e-mail] and follow her on X @rachelbarber_
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Money or love? Survey finds Americans divided over which matters more