"It Always Ends In Misery": People Are Calling Out The Subtle Relationship Mistakes Many Of Us Don't Even Realize We're Making
1."Getting complacent and slowly putting less and less effort into the relationship."
—Traditional-West-219
"Yeah, this is what got my last relationship. Four years in, and on the cusp of getting married, they just completely stopped putting any effort into any aspect of our life together. Glad they did it before we married so I could untangle myself from them without it being a legal issue, I suppose."
—zaidelles
2."Keeping a list of things you did, thinking your partner has to match your efforts to keep it even. I did this, so it's your turn to do that. Surefire recipe to fuck up your relationship."
—sneakertotheizm
3."Not keeping a separate life outside of them."
—MNJayW
4."You're actually supposed to like your partner."
—StructuralFailure
"This is one of the things that has been the most shocking to me in my adult life. I've come across so many people who truly dislike their partners. How can you share your life with someone you actively dislike? Honestly, I'd rather be alone! I will never understand it."
—Pascale73
5."Bending over backwards for someone who doesn't put any effort into the relationship. It always ends in misery."
—Theemberveil
6."Trying to deal with things on your own because you don't want to burden your partner or upset them. You are in this together."
—Spooge_Bucket
7."People not realizing that the smallest things make a difference. Putting clothes in the hamper. Making them a cup of coffee. Helping without being asked. Etc."
—Valuable-Weakness909
"Exactly. It's wild how much those tiny things add up. The feeling of being cared for without having to ask. I think many people underestimate how much that matters."
—rodenthammer
8."Viewing your partner as an enemy during arguments. It shouldn't be me vs you, it should be us vs the problem. A lot of people would rather feel like they got the last word in or were 'right' about something than make sure their partner feels safe, loved, and respected."
—40_degree_rain
"Whenever I get stressed, I can get a bit snappy. My husband has this really great way of saying 'hold on, we're on the same team,' which reminds me that it's us vs the issue, not us vs each other. He truly is my better half in every way."
—VanessaCardui93
9."Putting your partner on a too high pedestal, instead of seeing them as an equal. Once they look down on you, they will always look down. Don't put them on a pedestal, and refuse to get on one too."
—A-Druid-Life
10."Moving too quickly. Your brain feeds on that initial spark of love like a drug. You become addicted to it and aren't always able to effectively evaluate compatibility until a certain amount of time has passed, and that drug starts to wear off a bit. But by the time this has happened for most people, they might have already gotten engaged, moved in, or somehow else have tied their lives together."
—ambarone
11."Never thinking about what you want from a relationship or why you are in one in the first place."
—No_Salamander8141
12."Acting inconvenienced when your partner is trying to connect. My most recent ex would be on TikTok all day, and anytime I opened my mouth, they would sigh and act annoyed as though I was 'distracting' them. It got to the point where I just stopped trying to talk to them. Death of a relationship, right there."
—TechnicallyVeryMoist
13."Leaning on and going to someone outside your relationship when your relationship has problems, instead of working it out with your partner."
—Imaginary-Bear-4057
"I've seen this so much. People come to me talking about their relationships and what to do/how to fix them. When I ask, 'Have you talked to your partner about this?' they say no. So my response is, 'Maybe you should talk to them first; they don't even know this is something you're upset about.' It amazes me how people just won't talk to their partners."
—SirMathias007
14."Staying in the relationship just because you've invested so much time (sunk cost fallacy). You're either going to be unhappy forever, or eventually realize you should have left a long time ago."
—jawshankredemption94
"Especially if you have children, shared finances, or large assets. The sunk cost grows deeper and deeper. I laugh when I think back to falling for the sunk cost fallacy because it had been 8 months, and I didn't want to find a new flat for the last 6 months of uni. 17 years later..."
—Submarineto
15."Focusing too much on all the things that you're doing for your partner that you're missing what they're doing for you. Similarly, focusing too much on their mistakes and completely missing your own."
—loomin
16."This is something my therapist once mentioned. Adults forget how to PLAY. However you play (being silly, playing fun games, pranking each other, little things that make you feel like a kid at heart), you need to keep doing that. It reminds you to be fun with each other, a trait that is usually lost pretty quickly after things get comfortable."
—Forsaken_Ninja_7949
17."Being dependent on your partner for everything is usually a huge mistake that I've seen people make but won't admit. Maybe it worked back then, but now? That usually opens up to a situation they can't walk away from. I wouldn't feel comfortable getting into a relationship where my partner controls everything while I have nothing."
—akaram369
18."Expecting it to be 50-50. Yes, it's great to be absolutely equal in the effort put in and received. But honestly, sometimes it's 70-30 because I'm having a really shitty time, and I only have the capacity to put in 30, and then my wife puts in more, recognizing that. Then other times it's 20-80 because my wife is the one who needs space and time to heal or cope with something, and can't put in the 50% needed. A relationship is supposed to be a safe place that rejuvenates you and energizes you; it's not supposed to be a place that drains your energy."
—peepee2tiny
19."Arguing on an empty stomach. Like bro, are you mad or do you just need fries?"
—BaseSure1172
20."Letting off the gas when it comes to changing things. I often fall victim to implementing a change we discuss at length, but then I think I have accomplished everything we talked about, and let it slip my mind, and repeat the cycle. Save yourself the trouble and don't lose focus on holding yourself accountable!"
—Odious_Muppet
21."Forgetting to check in on your partner and your relationship. Just a simple, 'How do you think we're doing these days?' Forgetting to be curious about your partner just because you see and talk to them all the time."
—bookishwayfarer
22."Texting all their challenging conversations. There's so much opportunity for miscommunication."
—spider_hugs
"My ex-wife was big on this. I would get texts a mile long in the middle of the day. Like, can you wait and talk in person???"
—Suikoden420
23."This is one of the biggest issues for my husband and me: the benefit of the doubt. I ask him one sentence, and he will often misconstrue 10 different things that he thinks I feel, mean, or was actually saying. We are on the same team, we are partners — sometimes it's just a question. He is very defensive from his own family and childhood issues, and unfortunately, I get the brunt of it a lot."
—passtheblame
24."Not expressing negative emotions or telling your partner they have upset you. This leads to built-up resentment and sometimes contempt."
—Imaginary-Command542
"I had a relationship that I thought was great! Finally, a drama-free relationship! But eventually it made me realize that I found it hard to communicate with her how I feel about certain things that upset me, because I didn't want to create drama. Eventually, the relationship just crumbled because I became increasingly distant from her."
—ihaten_blank_er
25."Arguing about the argument."
—ImprovementFar5054
26."I love the advice a priest gave my friends. God doesn't pick your partner; he puts them on your path, and you pick them every day. Some days I get irritated with my wife, my kids, and my life, and then I remind myself that people beg and pray for what I have, and I stop, I give everyone forehead kisses and put down my phone, book, tools, etc, and sit and listen to them for 30 minutes. Listen to them talk, no feedback, no conversation, just listening and reacting to what they say. The value of just stopping and appreciating someone is immeasurable."
—AwarenessPrimary7680
27."Not practicing humility. We are all human beings, we are allowed to make mistakes and be forgiven for them, but we have to couple it with the humility and integrity to properly apologize to the people we hurt and take accountability for the past. Without being able to properly face the past and practicing empathy for oneself and those around them, they will forever feel a perpetual victim to the world and people in their life, while never making the honest changes that could turn their life and how others treat them around."
—Kali_404
28."Saying 'yes' too much or being 'too supportive.' I've seen people run themselves ragged and eventually want out of relationships because they feel like they have to support every whim of their spouse, and they eventually get exhausted and resentful. The spouse isn't always taking advantage of them either, they just feel like they have to say yes all the time."
—GradeNo893
29.And finally, "Most relationship struggles aren't caused by lack of love but by unspoken differences in how love, safety, and respect are understood. Not realizing that is the silent mistake."
—Mi7che1l
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It hurt when she said that but I was never going to sit down and explain the depressing reality of getting a 'wyd' message from a 30-something on tinder to my 63-year-old mother. But now I feel like I don't have a choice. I found out recently that she actually made a profile for me on Bumble! The profile itself isn't that bad— the photos are maybe a little old and not really what I would pick for myself and the other info is a little boring/bland. But I still feel really weird that she signed up for the service (a paid version too?!) without talking to me, that she dropped her own dating profile version of me in front of me and said 'see, it's not that hard' and that she seems so sure that I am the reason I am single still. It all turned into a bigger fight and now I have my brother and dad texting me and asking me when I'm going to make up with her. We haven't spoken in a few days, while I figure out how to respond. She didn't try to hide the profile or anything or swipe or talk to anyone (thankfully!), but I feel like my mom doesn't understand my situation at all or how bad the apps can be and it makes me feel pathetic that she's trying to take my love life into her own hands. I don't want to fight with her but I want her to know this isn't okay either and I'd really like her to be nicer to me about all of this because I've put a lot of time and therapy into learning to be happy with myself as a single person even as a I look for love. How do I put an end to this fight without letting her think this is okay? — Mother Knows Best Dear MKB, Whether she meant well or not, your mom made a call that seriously overstepped (and, unsurprisingly, stepped in some shit in the process). Parents meddling in their adult children's love life is a tale as old as time, but that doesn't make the situation any less maddening when it happens to you — and the feelings under the more basic beef seem like they run deeper than an off-brand profile of you making its way to an app. The profile itself (and whatever made her think making it was a good idea) is one problem to address, but the seemingly frantic and overly-critical attitude toward your singleness, the way you're moving through our current dating environment and how that makes you feel is another. From Critic To Accomplice The first one is more cut-and-dry: It was wholly inappropriate for her to make a profile for you (functionally impersonating you?) without talking to you. It's weird and catfish-adjacent at best while also disrespecting your own dating efforts. I can imagine that this could easily become a goofy story you tell at family functions in the future, if you can address the hurt feelings with love head-on. 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Help Her Understand How Dating Has Changed Not trying to make more homework for you here, but your mom really might just not know what she doesn't know about modern dating. (Quick note: Though we're talking about it at length, online dating is, of course, not the only way to date. There's an encouraging growth in daters seeking out more classic offline dating strategies like approaching people in public, going to events that are designed to get single people talking to one another and asking friends for an intentional, thoughtful fix-up.) I have friends who, despite being in the online dating generation, still struggle to comprehend the ways the apps (among other things) have wholly disrupted dating because they're with someone they met in school or through work. I met my own partner on an app, and I write about relationships for a living — yet I still remain in awe at how the user experiences on many of those apps have become less pleasant to use, and the users become less pleasant to speak to. So it could help to walk her through the basics of the apps, show her a few of the eye-roll-inducing screenshots you send your friends, or even share bits of this response with her if it might help illustrate it more clearly. 'Understanding this context can help when explaining the situation to concerned family members,' Harouni Lurie said. 'For older generations who met through mutual friends, work or shared activities, this environment can seem completely foreign and frankly, quite harsh. They're used to getting to know someone's personality, humor, and character before physical attraction became the primary filter.' Related: We all know the classic issues: There's an overabundance of shallow choices made based on fairly quick aesthetic judgments. Real, whole people are distilled to a handful of photos and prompts. Some people are appallingly bad at flirting (or holding compelling conversations) over text and don't feel like it's worth the same effort as an IRL hang. Some people aren't so great at representing themselves or their needs accurately. Dating can feel like another boring thing you do on your phone to kill time instead of a sexy or fun opportunity to connect with another person. 'Online dating has seemingly become more difficult despite appearing more accessible than ever,' Harouni Lurie said. 'The core issue may be that we are overloaded with choices, and when you're presented with thousands of potential matches, the human brain actually becomes less satisfied with any single choice because there's always the nagging feeling that someone 'better' is just one swipe away.' Harouni Lurie adds that this 'creates a throwaway culture around dating.' 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