Meet the thriller writer who thought he was in a Beano adventure
Liam concluded that he must be starring in an anarchic Bash Street Kids strip in the Beano, after he thought he heard over the Tannoy: 'Please be advised that peashooters are not permitted on trains.'
Being a master of mystery fiction, he quickly solved the curious comic conundrum.
'Peashooters?' mused Liam. 'E-scooters!'
Goldfish variations
The Diary mentioned that most awe-inspiring of ferocious beasties, notorious for its starring role in a Spielberg movie…
And, no, we weren't discussing E.T.
We were talking about the great white shark, that toothy tearaway who picnicked on people in Jaws.
Reader Chris Hanley proudly boasts that he's not intimidated by great whites.
'I looked them up in the dictionary,' he says, 'and was disappointed to discover that they're members of a species called the 'mackerel shark'.
'So it's just a mackerel, I thought. That's not much scarier than being chased through the salty brine by an oversize goldfish.'
'I was sort of hoping it was going to be champagne,' says ever-optimistic reader Chris Robertson (Image: Contributed) Roll with it
Edinburgh-based stand-up comedian Jo Caulfield has been answering a questionnaire which asked: 'Which single battle do you think changed the course of history the most?'
Most people would probably suggest the Battle of Hastings, Bannockburn, Agincourt or Waterloo.
That's not the conclusion Jo arrives at, for she authoritatively says: 'Blur versus Oasis, AD 1995.'
Blockhead
Our correspondents are the fittest newspaper perusers in the land, possibly even the world.
That's why we're not surprised when Grant Robertson from Falkirk announces: 'I got up this morning and ran around the block five times. Then I got tired, so I picked up the block and put it back in the toy box.'
Art attack
The Diary has been praising the colourful mural of TV's Still Game gang that recently materialised on Paisley Road West.
Alas, as we pointed out, not everyone is a fan of the image.
On social media one harsh art critic states: 'To be fair, it looks not bad from a distance. If the distance is Paisley.'
Another person has this pithy response: 'Game over.'
Burnt offering
Culinary expert Rose Bayley gets in touch with us to point out: 'Forgetting that you left Alphabetti Spaghetti on the stove could spell disaster.'
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The Guardian
15 minutes ago
- The Guardian
TV's best (and worst) historical epics: from Wolf Hall to I, Claudius:
Inflate thy balloons and unsheathe thy Party Rings, for here is Chief of War (Apple TV+) to remind us of the joy of the scowling historical epic. Here too, almost, is Battle of Hastings belter King & Conqueror (BBC, August). And Spartacus: House of Ashur (Starz, this winter). Also in the period-specific pipeline are second series for Disney+'s brilliant Shogun and Amazon Prime's terrible House of David. Historical epics, it would not be unreasonable to say, are everywhere. But which are the best and which should be catapulted, screaming, across a poorly rendered CGI battlefield? Given their abundance, some arbitrary judging criteria is clearly in order. Hence: no 'fantasy' nonsense (ie Game of Thrones) and nothing set after the early 1800s, the latter on the grounds that a) there are too many of the sods and b) Julian 'Downton Bloody Abbey' Fellowes has effectively tucked the era under his top hat and run off with it while honking like an overprivileged goose. Let battle commenceth… A barrel-chested wodge of Big History in which mountainous creator and co-writer Jason Momoa thunders through the based-on-true-events that led to the late 18th century unification and, ultimately, colonisation of his native Hawaii. And it's brilliant; from its predominantly Polynesian cast to the sense of doom that swirls perpetually around the scenic foothills of Mount Momoa. It may lean a touch too heavily on extended, subtitled brawls in which there is much [grunting], but this is heartfelt storytelling; as muscular and sincere as its loinclothed protagonist. Startlingly brutal middle ages od(in)yssey in which mud-caked peasants duck from the flailing mace of progress/death and Norsemen with calves like bowling balls stagger across fjords, their complexions suggesting they may not be getting their five a day. There are the obligatory fireside frottageings, but this is clever stuff, with complex characters, an atmosphere of thunderously oppressive gloom and dialogue that does not make one long to inter oneself, sobbing, in a flaming longship. The second adaptation of James Clavell's 1,100-page clomp through the late Sengoku period of feudal Japan, this US-produced saga leaves its beloved 1980 predecessor spluttering in its backwash, the latter's once sacrosanct USP (Richard Chamberlain blinking expressionlessly in a kimono) unable to compete with the former's rich, knotty script, riveting characterisation and steadfast attention to historical detail. Cue stoic samurai, scurvy-ridden sailors and preoccupied warlords in a succession of exquisitely indifferent terrains and everyone else sprinting for cover as the whole shebang is (justly) pelted with Emmys. Yes, the pace is slow, the sets perfunctory and the wigs apparently assembled from the contents of a vacuum cleaner. But still, 50 years on, the BBC's adaptation of Robert Graves' novels on the bastardry of the early Roman empire remains one of TV's finest achievements, with an unapologetically adult script and magnificent, pillar-rattling performances from John Hurt, Siân Phillips and Derek Jacobi, the last assisted by prosthetic makeup and a false nose that could dislodge the cobwebs from a triumphal arch. An object lesson, here, in how to deliver prestige historical drama without recourse to bums or bombast. Instead, there are exquisitely layered performances (Damian Lewis, Jonathan Pryce), quiet, adult explorations of difficult, adult things (grief, ageing) and many, many candlelit silences into which Mark Rylance's Thomas Cromwell glides, his expression, as always, that of a ferret saddened by developments in France. A monumental achievement, obviously, and in director Peter Kosminksy and scriptwriter Peter Straughan's hands, a near-perfect adaptation of Hilary Mantel's three-piece masterpiece. Rome, 1492, and the Vatican is besieged by filth as director/co-creator Neil Jordan takes a stiff quill to non-secular skulduggery. Cue: tumescent priests, pouting strumpets and a never-wearier Jeremy Irons as Pope Shagger VI. Here, historical integrity is something to be bent over and humped, unconvincingly, behind a net curtain. The script? Pfft. The acting? Tsk. The plot? Possibly, although it's tricky to concentrate on the dynastic machinations of 15th century Italy when Irons in a mitre keeps shouting 'WHORE'. A catastrophic attempt by the BBC to replicate the success of I, Claudius by squeezing Grade II-listed hams into togas and forcing them to SHOUT at punishing length about the PTOLEMAIC DYNASTY in what appears to be an abandoned REGIONAL LEISURE CENTRE. The upshot? Tedium. Plus? Bald caps, flagrant boobery, Richard Griffiths 'working' a 'smoky eye', the line 'Let's get out of Egypt!' and trembling extras gulping in horror as the plot catapults yet another flaming ball of exposition at the studio floor. Manacled jocks go loincloth to loincloth in a US production comprised almost entirely of buttocks. There is, occasionally, other stuff: blood, knockers, airborne viscera, Americans in sandals decapitating other Americans while shouting 'ass', some 'plot' or other involving revenge, John Hannah (as dastardly slave trader Batiatus) bellowing 'BY JUPITER'S COCK!' at 30-second intervals etc. But it is mainly buttocks. Watch it on fast-forward and it's like being shot in the face by a pump-action bum-gun. One, two, swashbuckle my shoe: abject 'international co-production' tosh here from the Beeb as Alexandre Dumas's novels are reimagined for whichever generation it is that is supposed to be interested in this sort of thing. And lo, much adolescent tomfoolery doth ensue, with PG-rated punch-ups, tiresome hunks smirking in pleather and dialogue of the 'Things just got complicated!' genus. The result? Hollycloaks. Peter Capaldi does his best as Cardinal Richelieu but it would take more than thigh boots and nostril-flaring to lighten this particular load. Verily, my liege, this idiot Canadian-Irish co-production does dance a merry jig upon the very concept of historical accuracy, with its Irish Henry VIII (Jonathan Rhys Meyers), its ripped courtiers and Joss Stone as Anne of Cleves. There is the occasional grudging nod to Actual Historical Stuff (the Reformation, wives etc). But it's mostly just Henry banging his way around Tudor England, his bum cheeks jack-hammering with such ferocity that they are little more than a meaty blur, like a deli counter viewed from the top deck of a speeding bus in the rain. Chief of War is on Apple TV+ from 1 August.
The National
2 hours ago
- The National
Scottish firm to bring From Ground Zero film to UK cinemas
The anthology documentary, From Ground Zero, showcases' dozens of emerging Palestinian artists as they share messages of heartbreak and defiance which will be available in cinemas across the UK from September 12. The Glasgow-based distributor Cosmic Cat will release the film which has been described as an extraordinary time capsule of a visceral response to an ongoing catastrophe as the artist's call to bear witness the crimes being committed in Palestine. Produced by Palestinian filmmaker Rashid Masharawi and executive producer, and two-time Oscar winner, Michael Moore, each film featured on From Ground Zero rages in length from, three to six minutes, and presents a different perspective of the lived reality in Gaza. READ MORE: John Swinney and Donald Trump talk whisky tariffs in Aberdeenshire The collective of filmmakers aims to give the audience an on-the-ground, intimate perspective of a territory now so often viewed through war and casualty footage and will be able to be viewed across the UK, including at the Glasgow Film Theatre. Using a mix of genres including documentary, docu-fiction, stop-motion animation, and experimental cinema, From Ground Zero has been critically acclaimed for its ability to capture the experiences of Palestinian life, including the immense challenges and tragedies of navigating the warzone each day. Shot in between, and sometimes during, bombing raids across nine months from 2023-2024 From Ground Zero features short films like Damo Nidal's Everything Is Fine which follows the daily life of a comedian before he performs his stand-up set in a bombed venue. (Image: From Ground Zero) Other shorts like, Neda'a Abu Hassnah's Out of Frame sees artist Ranin Al Zeriei surveying the remainder of her destroyed studio, while Reema Mahmoud's documentary, Selfies, sits with a young woman while she applies her make-up to hide the physical signs of trauma. Meanwhile, shorts like Khamis Masharawi's Soft Skin which captures young children using stop-motion animation to relay the nightmare experience of their parents writing their family names on their limbs in case a bomb hits, aims to showcase the horrors Palestinians have faced during Israel's brutal bombardment on Gaza. Those behind From Ground Zero claim that the screenings aim to serve as a reminder that despite previous efforts to silence them, as the film was stricken from the 2024 Cannes lineup on political grounds after initially being accepted, Palestinian people's voices are louder than ever through art and film. You can click here to find out more information about screenings and tickets.
Glasgow Times
3 hours ago
- Glasgow Times
Gogglebox fan favourite 'dumped' from Channel 4 show
The Glasgow-based couple joined the series in 2022 and were the first Scottish participants to appear on the programme in six years, following the debut of the Manuel family in 2016. In a recent social media post, Roisin revealed that the pair have been axed from the show and will not be returning for the new season. READ MORE: Winner of Channel 4's The Piano to kick off UK tour in Glasgow She also appeared to aim a subtle dig at Channel 4, stating that the couple 'had not been asked back' for Series 26. The show is expected to return to screens in September, following the conclusion of its most recent run in May. Roisin confirmed their departure in an Instagram post shared last night, thanking both fans and production crew for their support over the years. READ MORE: Popular Channel 4 show axed with presenter 'desperate' for it to return She wrote: "After three and a half years of sitting on the sofa, Channel 4 has decided it's time for Joe and me to stretch our legs and has not asked us back for season 26. "Therefore, we are leaving the Gogglebox family. "We couldn't be more grateful to Studio Lambert for the opportunity, the experience has actually been so mad, and we will miss watching TV with you all on Friday nights! "It's been an honour to represent Scotland as some of the first Scottish people on the show and prove we don't actually need subtitles. "A special shout out to our crew of past and present, Jason, Ayşe, Rich, Eilish, Ewan, Evie, Steve, David, Stef, AJ and Odin. "Also to Harriet for always answering the phone, any time of the day or night. "We have made friends for life, and after filming every week for years, you have become like our family! "We could not have asked for better people to work with, and we will miss you immensely." The heartfelt caption was shared alongside a carousel of snaps from their time on Gogglebox, including some humorous images which appeared to take aim at Channel 4's decision. One image included a Toy Story meme showing Woody being discarded, captioned: 'I don't want to play with you anymore.' Another showed a young boy crying with the text: 'Being dumped from Gogglebox.' A third depicted someone dancing with the words: 'No longer having to adhere to a contract and can work with brands and companies.' READ MORE: Hollyoaks star breaks silence amid exit from Channel 4 soap after 12 years Fans were quick to flood the comments, many expressing their disappointment: One fan wrote: 'Gutted! It was so nice to have young, funny Scottish representation on the show! Heartbreak hotel.' Another added: 'Won't be the same without you guys in our living rooms on a Friday evening. Thanks for a very enjoyable three and a half years. I wish you both all the best for the future.' A third said: 'Aww no! I'm gutted, you guys always crack me up on that show. Onwards and upwards, love.' A fourth chimed in: 'Gutted! You and Joe are so funny, and it's been so good having fellow Scots on the show! Won't be the same without you.' And a fifth fan commented: 'Aw wit! I'm absolutely ragin. My wee favs. It won't be the same without you guys. All the best for whatever your future holds.' A Channel 4 spokesperson said: 'We thank Joe and Roisin for their contributions to Gogglebox over the years, and wish them all the best for the future.'
