Here's the No. 1 phrase dads 'hate hearing' on Father's Day, says parenting expert—what to say instead
Her words resonated deeply, illuminating feelings I didn't fully comprehend until I became a father myself. Now, as a therapist and the author of "Present: The Crisis of American Fatherhood and the Power of Showing Up," I've dedicated over a decade to supporting fathers who want to reconnect with their kids.
Many of these dads are often misunderstood. They face barriers like divorce, incarceration, substance use, unemployment and mental health challenges. A common narrative paints them as uncaring simply because they aren't physically present.
So let's pause and challenge this assumption. One phrase I hate hearing on Father's Day is, "You should step it up." (A similar one is, "Why aren't you more present?") Instead, we should acknowledge these fathers. A simple gesture can go a long way: "You are important, and we celebrate you today. Support is here if you ask for it."
Here are a few things I've learned over the last decade in working with dads.
It's tempting to join the chorus of voices that equate physical absence with emotional unavailability or lack of interest. Yet, if we take a moment to reflect on that first time we held our children, we realize that no father dreams of being apart from their child, especially on special days like Father's Day.
For many dads, the day is a painful reminder of their absence, and acknowledging them can provide a much-needed lifeline. As a therapist, it would be remiss of me not to say that it is okay to go to therapy as a man.
Just like athletes rely on coaches and teammates, parents need their own support systems.
Do you have someone to call when you're feeling under the weather? If not, consider finding a trusted doctor. Do you have a friend you can lean on when you're feeling down? If not, think about reaching out someone you've always felt comfortable talking to.
Every parent, especially fathers facing challenges, benefits from a supportive community. Parenting isn't something we can do effectively in isolation.
For many, this involves grappling with past choices, regrets and the journey toward reconciliation.
Instead of labeling themselves as "bad fathers," many dads might shift their narrative to: "I am an imperfect father who tries my best." This re-translation of self-perception is crucial for healing. They might acknowledge, "I've made mistakes, but I'm working on making things right."
When you confront your past, you can set the stage for growth and connection.
Recent studies, including a working paper from economists at the University of California, Merced, the U.S. Census Bureau and the University of Maryland, reveal the profound effects parental separation has on children, particularly due to divorce.
Factors such as lost financial resources, changes in neighborhood quality and reduced parental involvement account for a significant portion of the negative outcomes children face. Despite the challenges, one truth remains: Separated or struggling parents, whether mothers or fathers, always want the best for their children.
Two narratives can coexist — one of struggle and one of care. Dads may be distant for various reasons, but that doesn't mean they don't love and want to support their children. Recognizing the duality in these stories enables us to approach Father's Day with empathy and understanding.
Let's rewrite the narrative surrounding fathers, especially those who are struggling or absent. Let's offer recognition and support. A simple acknowledgment can remind these fathers that their roles matter and that they are not alone in their journey.
By understanding that all fathers, regardless of their struggles, want to do their best for their children, we can help create an environment where all dads feel valued and supported.
Such acknowledgment transforms Father's Day into a celebration not just of fathers, but of the unbreakable bond of love and dedication they strive to uphold even in their weakest moments.
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