My lover lied to me about being married – so I agreed with his wife to set up trap
But I've been left feeling empty and deflated, and my faith in men is practically non-existent.
I'm 34, my lover is 38, and we met on a dating app three months ago.
From the moment we met up, our chemistry was electric, and it was hard for us to keep our hands off of each other.
He was everything I had ever dreamed of in a man: Caring, compassionate, funny and romantic.
I believed he was genuine, but looking back I can see I missed a lot of red flags.
We would always spend time in my house. He was barely ever free at weekends and he claimed he didn't have any social media.
I was so trusting, until one day I received a message from a woman I'd never heard of before.
It was then the crushing blow came — he was married with kids. Worse, I was his third affair. I couldn't believe it.
His wife wanted to set a trap to catch him in the act, and in a complete rage I decided to go along with it. I set up a date with him in a restaurant, and we both sat at the table waiting for him to arrive.
He was stunned, to say the least.
Since then, he's blocked my number and they've stayed together for the sake of the kids.
Dear Deidre on relationships, jealousy and envy
I feel so heartbroken, and I don't know what to do.
How could he do this to her? Or to me?
DEIDRE SAYS: This man played you, and there's no way you could have known.
While there were red flags, the fact you chose to see the best in him and put you faith in the relationship says everything about who you are.
It's understandable that this has hurt you deeply, but take this as a blessing in disguise.
Unfortunately, you'll probably never know what his motivations were, so instead of pondering over the why, focus on picking yourself back up and moving forward.
It can be difficult to be hopeful for future relationships after being deceived like this, but know that this is only one man, not all.
My support pack Mend Your Broken Heart will help you come to terms with what you're feeling.
DNA SHOWS HE'S NOT MY BROTHER
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my brother and I decided to do a DNA test to find out about our ancestry, the last thing I expected to discover was that he's my uncle and not my sibling.
I can't understand why my parents kept this a secret from us, and they're not even here for us to ever find out. I'm 45, my 'brother' is 50, and we've always had an incredibly close relationship.
When the results came back that we were closely related but not brothers, I was perplexed.
Our grandparents and parents have passed away, so the only person I had left to speak to was my aunt. When I mentioned the results, she admitted that it was all kept under wraps, but my parents adopted my brother when my grandmother unexpectedly got pregnant later in life.
She was unable to care for him, and my mum refused to see him go into the childcare system and took over. I was gobsmacked, to say the least.
Ever since, I've been struggling to wrap my head around it. How could my parents keep this a secret from us for all those years?
All I want is answers, and I'm struggling trying to accept that I'll never get them. I really don't know how to feel.
DEIDRE SAYS: It's understandable you feel confused, this is a huge shock. Take your time to absorb the information and come to terms with it.
While you have every reason to feel hurt that your parents kept this from you, try to trust that they had their reasons. Perhaps they were worried about how your brother would react, or they didn't think it mattered. Whatever it is, it's likely you'll never know.
Your brother is probably going through a whirlwind of emotions right now as well, so confide in each other. No matter your biological status, it shouldn't change your relationship.
HAS SHIFTY BOYFRIEND GONE BACK TO DRUGS?
DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend swears he's not fallen back into his drug addiction, but I can't help but worry every time I see him walk through the door with a new mysterious package.
I'm 32, he's 34 and we've been together for six years. When we first met, he had quite an affinity for partying and doing drugs. He was out all the time, and even when he was at home, he was still dabbling in something.
It took us years of therapy and hard work for him to get clean. For the past two years he's completely reformed himself, and I've been so proud.
That was until I noticed the array of packages he's been receiving through the post. It seems like he gets a new one every few days, and it disappears before I can even investigate what's inside.
I've tried asking him about it, but he snaps at me and tells me it's none of my business. I know I might be jumping to conclusions, but I'm worried sick.
DEIDRE SAYS: If your partner is being secretive and keeping things from you, it's a normal reaction to worry – especially considering his past.
While he may not have relapsed, if you can't trust it, you need to have a serious conversation with him.
Find a quiet moment and be honest about your worries. Tell him it is your business, and you deserve to know.
Hopefully he can put your mind at ease, but if he can't, my support pack Drug Worries? will help.
WORRIED THAT SHE'S HAVING AFFAIR
DEAR DEIDRE: FINDING out about my wife's affair turned my entire world upside down – and now I'm worried sick that history is repeating itself.
I'm 42, she's 39 and we've been together for ten years.
A few years ago our relationship hit a really rough patch, and instead of working on things, my wife ran into the arms of another man.
I was in denial about her affair for months. The late nights in the office, weekends away with friends and last-minute work trips were a dead giveaway, but I didn't want to face the truth.
Ever since, we've tried so hard to fix things in our relationship, and I thought we were finally back on track.
But now the late nights at work have started again, and I'm already thinking the worst.
Will I ever get over this?
DEIDRE SAYS: Your wife broke the trust in your relationship, and it's going to take time for that to be repaired. It's understandable that you're worried she'll cheat again, and even if she isn't, it's highlighting the fact that you both still have things to work on.
Be honest with your wife and explain that you're still struggling to trust her. Allow her the opportunity to reassure you and help you resolve these feelings.
My support pack Cheating: Can You Get Over It? will help you navigate this.
Some couples counselling would be of help. Visit tavistockrelationships.org to find out more.
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
The Sun
a day ago
- The Sun
Hot sex with my bad girl ex-girlfriend is irresistible – even though she tried to ruin my life
DEAR DEIDRE: MY 'bad girl' ex is serious trouble yet I can't keep away, even though she tried to ruin my life. She's so incredible in bed that when she says 'jump' I can't help but come running. We found each other on a dating site and I was instantly attracted to her. She was gorgeous and very naughty in her messages. She was also potty-mouthed and her relationship track record was patchy, but that didn't put me off. I'm 42 and she's 30. When I met her, I was going through a difficult divorce and struggling to get access to my eight-year-old son. Living alone for the first time in my adult life, I was lonely. We met in a bar one night and went back to my flat after just one drink. The sex was out of this world. I can't tell you what she did to me, but no other woman has ever made me feel that way. We started seeing each other regularly, and it soon became clear that she was insanely jealous. When she found out I was innocently messaging an ex — a woman I went out with at school and now have a platonic friendship with — she lost it. She then sent a long message to my ex-wife, including telling her what we did in bed. And then she went to the police and accused me of emotional abuse. Thankfully, they saw through her crazy stories. They told me to stay away from her — especially as I was trying to get legal rights to see my son. Understanding the impact of ghosting I've tried a few times, but can't. She tells me how sorry she is and keeps luring me back into bed. I know she's bad news and that I should block her, but I'm not sure if I can keep away for long. DEIDRE SAYS: This woman is clearly not stable. She may be incredible in bed, but she's also incredibly bad news. She's tried to ruin your life once. Next time she might succeed. If you can't keep away from her for your own sake, then do it for your son. Listen to the brain in your head, not the one in your trousers, and tell yourself that no sexual experience is worth a police record and estrangement from your child. Only you can find the willpower to end this relationship. So you need to dig deep and stay away from her. If she then won't leave you alone, you can contact (0808 802 0300). MY FRIEND IS INCAPABLE OF SPEAKING FOR HERSELF DEAR DEIDRE: MY friend treats me like I'm a ventriloquist and she is the dummy – and it really gets on my nerves. She always expects me to do all the talking for her when we're out in public, and I'm sick of it. I'm 27 and she is 25. We have been friends for two years. She is a good mate, but her reliance on me to speak for her, as if she is not capable herself, irritates me so much. If we are in a restaurant and the waiter comes over, I always have to order for her. If a stranger starts up a conversation, she doesn't answer, but looks over to me to speak instead, even if the person spoke directly to her. Sometimes, I wonder how she copes when she goes somewhere, and I'm not with her. I know I need to say something but I don't know how to go about it without hurting her feelings. DEIDRE SAYS: Your friend sounds painfully shy and lacking in confidence. But I can see why this annoys you. You do need to say something, before this ruins your friendship entirely. Next time you see her, gently explain how you feel. Rather than telling her off, or accusing her, which will make her defensive, say you feel uncomfortable talking for her and would love to see her speak for herself. If she is just shy, perhaps ask if you can help her practise talking to people. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you. DEAR DEIDRE: A DECADE ago, personal circumstances led me to ghost a man who I have now realised was perfect for me. Lately, the thought that I threw away my one chance of true love is stopping me from sleeping. I'm a 48-year-old single woman. Ten years ago, I met a man online, who is a year younger than me. We got on like a house on fire, had lots in common and he made me laugh. He was also kind, caring and genuinely wanted a relationship. But after a few weeks of talking, I lost my job and then my father died. I was in no state to date, so I deleted my profile – along with our potential relationship. When I went back online a few months later, his profile had disappeared. I had no way to get in touch. I haven't met anyone as lovely as him since and I can't help thinking what might have been. Should I try to track him down and tell him how I feel? DEIDRE SAYS: He's 'the one that got away'. In your head, he is perfect, but you never really got to know him. Ten years is a long time. If you track him down, there is a good chance he won't still single. After being ghosted, he might find it odd that you have contacted him now. Perhaps it is better to try to find someone new. My support pack, Finding The Right Partner For You, may help. HELP ME LEAVE RACIST HUSBAND DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER 30 years of marriage to a racist who won't even let our mixed-race grandchildren visit, I have had enough. I have realised he has ruined my whole life. I want to leave him but I'm scared of being alone, and don't know how to tell him. I'm 54 and have three children with this man, who is 60. He has always made racist remarks. He complains about immigrants and mutters under his breath when black people pass him in the street. Although I hate his attitudes, I have put up with them because he was a decent husband. But when my son fell in love with a black woman, my husband said he was dead to him. He hasn't spoken to him since. He won't let our son, daughter-in-law or grandchildren visit. If I want to see them, I have to go to their place. Our other children, who have white partners, are welcome to come whenever they like. But I love my children equally. I have begged and pleaded with him to change his mind, but he won't. He says he can't forgive our son. Any love I had for him has gone. Now I hate him for breaking up our family. How can I leave him? DEIDRE SAYS: As you have finally accepted, your husband is not going to change his obnoxious racist views, even if it hurts you and means missing out on his relationship with his son and grandchildren. Perhaps if you make it clear to him you will end your marriage unless he accepts his whole family, he will reconsider. But if he won't, then walking away is the best thing you can do. It won't be easy, but you will be happier in the long run. My support packs, Thinking Of Divorce and Ending A Relationship have lots of information and links that will help you to do this. Lean on your children and friends for support.
The Sun
3 days ago
- The Sun
Girlfriend dumped me after finding pictures on my phone I took during wild threesome – but I want her back
DEAR DEIDRE: STUPIDLY, I saved multiple screenshots and videos on my phone of naked girls and now I've been dumped yet again. I know I've got an issue. I've been viewing pornography since I was around 11 years old, when an older cousin showed me adult websites. I'm now 29 and I'd love a proper girlfriend, but I've only managed two decent relationships. The last one failed when my girlfriend found a secret file on my laptop. My latest girlfriend is 26 and we've had six months of bliss together. We met in a nightclub and all I could think about was having sex with her, but she kept me waiting for a long time. I knew she was good for me in that way. When we finally did it, I told her I loved her. I then did something stupid. I went to a club for a mate's birthday and I met a couple of girls. We went to a hotel and had a threesome. They let me take pictures of our wild night and I kept the images on my phone in case I was bored. Then my girlfriend began to get suspicious because I was guarding my phone. When she demanded to see it, I was hopeful I'd get away with it as there weren't any incriminating messages anywhere, and I hoped she wouldn't find my file. But she's pretty savvy with tech so immediately went to my secret file and found everything, complete with dates. Spotting the signs your partner is cheating She's the only girl I've felt so strongly about. I want her back. She went to a friend's house for a week and now says we are over for good. What can I do? DEIDRE SAYS: Compulsive behaviour and addictions can often have roots in childhood experience. If you started viewing pornography at 11, you may not have had boundaries or parents checking up on you. Now you are in over your head, which is spoiling your relationships. Make a pact with yourself that you'll get the help you need. You can find access to a free introductory course on pornography addiction through Pivotal ( If your girlfriend can see you're making strides to change, she may take you back but don't hold your breath. Work on yourself and your addiction first and, when you feel strong enough to avoid and resist acting up, then you will be in a much better place to build a long and lasting relationship. SICK AND TIRED OF MY MAN'S SNORING DEAR DEIDRE: ANGER is spoiling my relationship because I can never get a good night's sleep. My boyfriend snores like a freight train. I've got a stressful job in advertising. I often have early starts with clients and I need my eight hours a night. I'm lucky if I get five. I'm a woman of 33 and my boyfriend is 31. We have a great relationship in every other way but I'm so fed up with the piggy sounds that come from him at night – I'm seriously considering renting my own flat. I either lie awake and get cross, or I sleep on the sofa. My boyfriend feels terrible in the morning if I'm not beside him. He knows he's the problem. Perhaps I should get some sleeping tablets prescribed by my doctor. DEIDRE SAYS: It's your boyfriend who has the problem – not you. Sleeping pills are not the answer. There can be health risks attached to snoring, like sleep apnoea – taking a few seconds of subconsciously not breathing, which can be damaging. Tell him you're worried about him and suggest a check-up with his doctor. He can also find advice through the Sleep Apnoea Trust ( Drinking less alcohol can help if that is a factor and sometimes, it's as simple as losing a few pounds. My support pack called Stop Snoring explains more. DEAR DEIDRE: IF I know that sex is on the cards, I get so nervous that we cannot physically do it. My boyfriend's 23, I'm a woman aged 21. We've been going out for two years. We are together most of the time, either sleeping at his parents' home or mine, but it's not being in the family house that puts me off sex, it's the physical act of doing it. He's kind, caring and patient and after another failed attempt he says, 'Don't worry. We'll try again at the weekend'. I've tried lots of things to relax – warm baths, a glass of wine, even scented candles and low lighting when his parents have been on holiday, but nothing helps. It's all in my head but I know that if I can't find a way of lessening the anxiety, my boyfriend will not hang around forever. I'm not being fair to him. Can you help? DEIDRE SAYS: Do you know why you feel so tense? Was there an early sexual experience that was upsetting for you, or perhaps a friend or family member warned you that it would hurt? Sex may be a little uncomfortable the first time, but it is supposed to be fun. The vagina can increase enough to give birth to a baby so physically, most people are capable, but if you have some mental block to relaxing, your body and vagina will simply say 'no'. My support packs called Exciting Foreplay and First Time Fears will give you tips on how best to relax. NERVES MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO HAVE SEX DEAR DEIDRE: WOULD putting a needle through our condoms enable me to have the baby I'm longing for? I'm not a woman who feels her biological clock is ticking – I'm a man. I'm actually a gay man but I've suppressed my feelings for all of my life. I'm in a relationship with my girlfriend who is clueless about the real me. I care for her but she doesn't excite me like a man would. I can't stop these feelings of wanting to be a dad, though. It's my dream. I have even considered that we have a 'contraception failure' and I'd encourage her to go ahead with the pregnancy, but then I feel horrible for even thinking about it. This whole situation is overwhelming. I'm not happy in my relationship because I know I'm not being authentic. My girlfriend is 28 and lovely. She talks about 'putting a ring on it' and what sort of a wedding she'd like, but there's no way I am going to pop the question any time soon. I'm a fraud and I'm living a life of lies. I wish I was a straight guy and could be happy. The people at work have started to notice I'm down. I don't know how much longer I can put up with living like this. If I come out, I might never have the chance to be a father. DEIDRE SAYS: Your focus on being a parent is keeping you tied to your girlfriend. It isn't fair. Gay men become fathers through adoption, fostering and surrogacy, your sexuality needn't stop you. It's not easy to come out, especially if your family hold old-fashioned views, but start by getting some help with your confidence through LGBT ( 0345 3 30 30 30), a charity that offers help for those in the LGBTQ community. My support pack Ending A Relationship will help you to bring things to a close with your girlfriend in the kindest way possible.
Scottish Sun
23-07-2025
- Scottish Sun
My gay lover is threatening to send snaps of us having sex to my fiancée if I end our affair… my world is imploding
One night I let him take pics of us in bed, which he promised he'd immediately delete DEAR DEIDRE My gay lover is threatening to send snaps of us having sex to my fiancée if I end our affair… my world is imploding DEAR DEIDRE: MY gay lover says he will send photos of us having sex to my fiancée if I insist on ending our affair. All of this turmoil has made me realise how much I love my fiancée and how I can't bear the thought of hurting her or losing her. I'm 34 and she is 32. How do I make my lover come to his senses? A couple of months ago, I went on a stag weekend with a group of mates. I ended up sharing a room with a friend from my university days. A lot of drinking took place and on the second morning I woke up in bed with him. Naked. I'm not gay or even bisexual. But when he awoke and started kissing me, I found myself responding and we had sex again. Sex with my fiancée has been rubbish lately, and it felt incredible to be passionate and physical with someone again. So, when we got home and he messaged to say he wanted to meet again, I couldn't help myself. Since then we've been having a secret, and increasingly risky but thrilling, affair. One night I let him take pictures of us in bed, which he promised he would immediately delete. But last weekend, my fiancée started talking about wanting a baby, and I came to my senses. Dear Deidre: Spotting the signs your partner is cheating I realised I had to end my affair or I'd lose her. I told my lover we needed to stop. I expected him to understand. Instead, he said he couldn't let me go and that if I didn't agree to continue our sex sessions, he'd send my partner the pictures. I don't know what to do. It feels like my life is about to implode. DEIDRE SAYS: He is blackmailing you and threatening to share nude photos without your consent. Those are crimes. You need to make it clear to him that you can and will go to the police. Please get advice from (0345 6000 459). If you have concerns about your sexuality, see my support pack, Bisexual Questions. It would be wise for you to have an STI check. Find your nearest sexual health clinic through As for your fiancée, if you love her you need to work on restoring intimacy so nothing like this can happen again. My support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, may help. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to deardeidre@ You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. MY ABUSIVE STEPSON IS RUINING OUR MARRIAGE DEAR DEIDRE: CARING for my abusive stepson has ruined my marriage and my sex life. I'm just so drained and exhausted I struggle to be in the mood for intimacy. How can I rescue our relationship? I'm a 42-year-old man and last year married my girlfriend, who is 39. She has a son, 15, from a previous relationship. He clearly disliked me from the start five years ago. But since we got married he's been nasty and violent. After dealing with him, sex is the last thing on my mind. I have no energy. My wife feels rejected, and it's adding to the arguments we're having over her son. Even though we love each other, I sometimes think this marriage is too hard. What should I do? DEIDRE SAYS: Raising stepchildren is challenging, particularly teenagers. It sounds like your wife's son is angry about his parents' break-up and resentful of the fact you've moved in with his mum. He probably wants to come between you, so it's important you and your wife present a united front. Get parenting support from (0808 800 2222). Stress often affects libido. Talk to your wife about this so she understands, and try to get some time alone to reconnect. Couples counselling might also improve your relationship and sex life. See my support packs, How Counselling Can Help and Reviving A Man's Sex Drive. DUMPED OVER HIS CANNABIS PROBLEM DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend went out for a cigarette, but never returned. We had been arguing a lot over his drug use, but he denied he had a problem. I know we can't be together while he smokes so much weed, but I'm devastated. We're both in our late twenties and we were together for four years. He wasn't into drugs at the start of our relationship, but smoked more and more – until it was all he cared about. I told him he couldn't do drugs at home, so he went to smoke at his mates' homes for days on end. A few weeks ago we had a massive row and he said he was going out for a cigarette. That was the last I saw of him. His mum said he was staying at his friend's house. He didn't reply to my messages, so I texted him to say we were over. But I miss him and worry so much. DEIDRE SAYS: Drugs don't just destroy the user's life, they have a terrible impact on loved ones. But, sadly, you can't support your ex-boyfriend unless he wants to be helped. And you've tried. As much as you love him, you must look after yourself too. Talking to someone will help you to heal. Read my support pack, Drug Worries, and see which helps people affected by another person's addictions. Website also provides information and support. EX GUILT-TRIPS ME FOR DATING DEAR DEIDRE: IT'S been years since my marriage broke up, so why do I feel so guilty about dating someone new? I haven't done anything wrong, but my ex- husband is making me feel like I'm cheating on him. I'm 45 and was married for 16 years to a man I met at college. We split up four years ago. Our marriage gradually fell apart, mainly because my husband was moody and argumentative and often put me down. Eventually, I got tired of being miserable, realising I only had one life. We agreed to separate and eventually divorced. We have remained friends since, but I've often felt he's too reliant on me for emotional support. Recently, I decided it was time to start dating again. I didn't want to be single any more. I met a lovely guy online, who I have been seeing for a couple of months. He's kind, funny and great in bed. My ex used to make me feel fat and unattractive, but my new guy clearly loves my body. As things are getting serious, I told my ex I'd met someone. He's been really off with me ever since. He's acting like I've betrayed him, even though we're not together. How can I stop feeling bad and enjoy my new relationship? DEIDRE SAYS: Your ex-husband put you down so much it's damaged your self-esteem, that's why you're questioning yourself. But you have nothing to feel guilty about. You deserve happiness with someone who values you. The fact you still give him emotional support despite how he treated you shows what a caring person you are. He clearly doesn't want to lose that. But it's time to put yourself first. My support pack, Raising Self-Esteem, should help you to rebuild your confidence, and another one, Standing Up For Yourself, will help you make it clear to your ex that his guilt trip won't work.
