Girlfriend dumped me after finding pictures on my phone I took during wild threesome – but I want her back
I know I've got an issue. I've been viewing pornography since I was around 11 years old, when an older cousin showed me adult websites.
I'm now 29 and I'd love a proper girlfriend, but I've only managed two decent relationships.
The last one failed when my girlfriend found a secret file on my laptop.
My latest girlfriend is 26 and we've had six months of bliss together.
We met in a nightclub and all I could think about was having sex with her, but she kept me waiting for a long time. I knew she was good for me in that way.
When we finally did it, I told her I loved her.
I then did something stupid. I went to a club for a mate's birthday and I met a couple of girls. We went to a hotel and had a threesome.
They let me take pictures of our wild night and I kept the images on my phone in case I was bored. Then my girlfriend began to get suspicious because I was guarding my phone.
When she demanded to see it, I was hopeful I'd get away with it as there weren't any incriminating messages anywhere, and I hoped she wouldn't find my file.
But she's pretty savvy with tech so immediately went to my secret file and found everything, complete with dates.
Spotting the signs your partner is cheating
She's the only girl I've felt so strongly about. I want her back.
She went to a friend's house for a week and now says we are over for good. What can I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: Compulsive behaviour and addictions can often have roots in childhood experience.
If you started viewing pornography at 11, you may not have had boundaries or parents checking up on you. Now you are in over your head, which is spoiling your relationships.
Make a pact with yourself that you'll get the help you need.
You can find access to a free introductory course on pornography addiction through Pivotal (pivotalrecovery.org).
If your girlfriend can see you're making strides to change, she may take you back but don't hold your breath.
Work on yourself and your addiction first and, when you feel strong enough to avoid and resist acting up, then you will be in a much better place to build a long and lasting relationship.
SICK AND TIRED OF MY MAN'S SNORING
DEAR DEIDRE: ANGER is spoiling my relationship because I can never get a good night's sleep. My boyfriend snores like a freight train.
I've got a stressful job in advertising. I often have early starts with clients and I need my eight hours a night. I'm lucky if I get five.
I'm a woman of 33 and my boyfriend is 31. We have a great relationship in every other way but I'm so fed up with the piggy sounds that come from him at night – I'm seriously considering renting my own flat.
I either lie awake and get cross, or I sleep on the sofa.
My boyfriend feels terrible in the morning if I'm not beside him. He knows he's the problem.
Perhaps I should get some sleeping tablets prescribed by my doctor.
DEIDRE SAYS: It's your boyfriend who has the problem – not you.
Sleeping pills are not the answer. There can be health risks attached to snoring, like sleep apnoea – taking a few seconds of subconsciously not breathing, which can be damaging.
Tell him you're worried about him and suggest a check-up with his doctor.
He can also find advice through the Sleep Apnoea Trust (sleep-apnoea-trust.org). Drinking less alcohol can help if that is a factor and sometimes, it's as simple as losing a few pounds.
My support pack called Stop Snoring explains more.
DEAR DEIDRE: IF I know that sex is on the cards, I get so nervous that we cannot physically do it.
My boyfriend's 23, I'm a woman aged 21. We've been going out for two years.
We are together most of the time, either sleeping at his parents' home or mine, but it's not being in the family house that puts me off sex, it's the physical act of doing it.
He's kind, caring and patient and after another failed attempt he says, 'Don't worry. We'll try again at the weekend'.
I've tried lots of things to relax – warm baths, a glass of wine, even scented candles and low lighting when his parents have been on holiday, but nothing helps.
It's all in my head but I know that if I can't find a way of lessening the anxiety, my boyfriend will not hang around forever. I'm not being fair to him.
Can you help?
DEIDRE SAYS: Do you know why you feel so tense? Was there an early sexual experience that was upsetting for you, or perhaps a friend or family member warned you that it would hurt?
Sex may be a little uncomfortable the first time, but it is supposed to be fun.
The vagina can increase enough to give birth to a baby so physically, most people are capable, but if you have some mental block to relaxing, your body and vagina will simply say 'no'.
My support packs called Exciting Foreplay and First Time Fears will give you tips on how best to relax.
NERVES MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO HAVE SEX
DEAR DEIDRE: WOULD putting a needle through our condoms enable me to have the baby I'm longing for?
I'm not a woman who feels her biological clock is ticking – I'm a man.
I'm actually a gay man but I've suppressed my feelings for all of my life.
I'm in a relationship with my girlfriend who is clueless about the real me. I care for her but she doesn't excite me like a man would.
I can't stop these feelings of wanting to be a dad, though. It's my dream. I have even considered that we have a 'contraception failure' and I'd encourage her to go ahead with the pregnancy, but then I feel horrible for even thinking about it.
This whole situation is overwhelming. I'm not happy in my relationship because I know I'm not being authentic.
My girlfriend is 28 and lovely. She talks about 'putting a ring on it' and what sort of a wedding she'd like, but there's no way I am going to pop the question any time soon.
I'm a fraud and I'm living a life of lies. I wish I was a straight guy and could be happy.
The people at work have started to notice I'm down. I don't know how much longer I can put up with living like this.
If I come out, I might never have the chance to be a father.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your focus on being a parent is keeping you tied to your girlfriend. It isn't fair.
Gay men become fathers through adoption, fostering and surrogacy, your sexuality needn't stop you.
It's not easy to come out, especially if your family hold old-fashioned views, but start by getting some help with your confidence through LGBT (lgbt.foundation, 0345 3 30 30 30), a charity that offers help for those in the LGBTQ community.
My support pack Ending A Relationship will help you to bring things to a close with your girlfriend in the kindest way possible.
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