Experts Are Sharing What It Means When Couples Constantly Post About Each Other On Social Media, And It Actually Makes A Lot Of Sense
Interestingly enough, some research suggests that the opposite may be true: Our online posting habits are directly tied to what social scientists call 'relationship visibility' ― the extent to which we make our relationships part of our public personas. Having very high 'relationship visibility' and over-posting about a partner may be a mask for relationship insecurity, according to a study recently published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.
The researchers hypothesized that attachment styles ― how we emotionally bond and attach to others in our adult lives ― underlie relationship visibility and our desire to post. (Read more about attachment theory and the types of attachment styles here.)
The researchers posited that people with avoidant attachment styles, who tend to withdraw from their partners, would show low desire for relationship visibility, and those with anxious attachment styles, who need more reassurance about their relationship, would report a high desire for visibility. (There's a third attachment style ― secure attachment ― but the researchers were unable to find an association between that type and posting habits.) After recruiting 108 college couples to keep a daily diary about their relationship for two weeks, the researchers' findings supported the hypothesis.
'On a daily basis, when people felt more insecure about their partner's feelings, they tended to make their relationships visible,' the researchers wrote. 'These studies highlight the role of relationships in how people portray themselves to others.'
Jennifer Chappell Marsh, a marriage and family therapist in San Diego, California, who's unaffiliated with the study, told us she often sees this dynamic play out in her office.
'Avoidant attached people tend to disengage and withdraw from their partners while anxiously attached people are almost always seeking reassurance about their relationship, even on social media,' Chappell Marsh said.
Chappell Marsh used the example of a dinner date to illustrate the difference: An avoidant partner may be content with a quiet, intimate dinner, but their anxiously attached partner may be too busy Snapchatting everything to enjoy it. The impulse to document may be even stronger if the avoidant partner is standoffish throughout the night.
'That disconnect triggers a spike in relationship anxiety for the anxious type,' Chappell Marsh said. 'As a result, the insecure partner may take a relationship pic and post it on Facebook to get 'likes.' Oftentimes, they're looking for positive attention in the absence of getting the reassurance from their partner.'
The partner who isn't posting may end up complaining, though not necessarily because they're annoyed with the oversharing aspect. More often than not, the person is bothered that their partner prioritizes posting over quality couple time, said Zach Brittle, a therapist and founder of the online couples therapy series forBetter.
'The narrative about social media I hear the most in my office are complaints about one or both partners becoming addicted to their phones,' Brittle said. 'Social media is an opportunity for people to turn away from the relationship and toward some other stimulus. It makes sense why people do it; there's plenty of data about the dopamine hit that comes from getting 'likes' or reshares.'
Whatever the person's reason for overposting ― the thrill of the 'likes' or some core insecurity about the relationship ― if you're an outsider who's annoyed by the posts, remember that people tend to only post the highlights of their lives, not the low points. And ultimately, there's no one definitive reason why some people share so many braggy posts.
'The oversharer may be genuinely happy and want to express that via social media ― or they might feel they have something to prove to their peers or want to take the focus off other areas of their lives they feel insecure about,' said Danielle Kepler, owner of DK Therapy, a group practice in Chicago specializing in couples.
In the end, no relationship is as perfect as it's portrayed on Instagram.
'At this point, it's a societal norm to smile in pictures, even if you just had an argument five minutes before the photo was snapped,' Kepler said.
And while those on the outside may equate oversharing with trying too hard, Brittle cautioned against jumping to conclusions about the couple.
'If they're trying too hard to project a certain image, they're probably protecting something ― some image or some ideal,' Brittle said. 'Why? As a therapist, I think it's important to ask that question but not necessarily have to answer it. Ultimately, each couple's individual story is unique. Social media allows them to craft a version of that story, even if it's not realistic.'
This article originally appeared on HuffPost.
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15 Unexplainable Habits People Develop In A Long-Term Relationship
Long-term relationships bring about a myriad of changes in your life. As you spend more time with someone, you start to adopt certain habits that can seem baffling, even to yourself. It's not about losing your individuality but rather developing quirks that make sense only to both of you. These shared habits often go unnoticed until you take a step back and realize how they've subtly altered your day-to-day existence. Here's a look at some of these unexplainable habits people often develop in long-term relationships. 1. Finishing Each Other's Sentences Over time, you become so attuned to your partner's thoughts and speech patterns that you start finishing each other's sentences. It's as if you share a mental script, and the words come out seamlessly, picking up right where they left off. This habit can be amusing to outsiders, almost like a telepathic connection, but for both of you, it feels completely natural. Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, emphasizes that this kind of synchronicity often indicates a well-attuned partnership, where both parties feel understood and valued. So, while it might seem odd, it's a sign of deep connection and shared understanding. Beyond just completing sentences, you might even start echoing each other's vocabulary and expressions. This linguistic mimicry isn't about losing your voice but creating a shared language that fosters intimacy. Phrases and words unique to your relationship become your secret code, a shorthand that speaks volumes with just a few syllables. These inside jokes and pet phrases serve as a comforting reminder of your shared experiences and affection. They might make sense only to you both, but that's part of what makes them special. 2. Communicating In Silence Sometimes, words aren't necessary to convey your thoughts or feelings. A simple glance or a subtle gesture can communicate volumes when you've been with someone for a long time. It's almost like developing an intuitive Morse code that only you two understand. This silent communication often comes in handy in social settings where conversations need to remain discreet. It allows you to stay connected even in the midst of chaos, fostering a sense of unity that transcends verbal exchange. This non-verbal dialogue becomes second nature, and soon, you don't have to think twice before exchanging a knowing look. It's akin to having a secret language that's both private and profound, adding another layer of depth to your relationship. Silent communication can also serve as a form of emotional support, a way to offer reassurance without saying a word. It's a testament to the trust and understanding that have taken root over time. As your relationship grows, these silent exchanges often become even more meaningful than spoken words. 3. Merging Personal Playlists Your music choices start to blend and morph into a single, shared soundtrack. You find yourself enjoying songs you might not have ever listened to if it weren't for your partner's influence. A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that shared activities, including listening to music, can enhance relationship satisfaction by fostering a sense of togetherness. This merging of playlists is more than just a sonic experience—it's a blending of tastes and experiences that reflect your journey together. Each track becomes a reminder of shared moments, deepening your emotional connection. This new, combined playlist becomes the background score to your life together. You add songs that capture the highs and lows, the mundane and the extraordinary moments of your relationship. Listening to it is like flipping through a photo album, where each song is a snapshot of a memory only you two share. Music, in this way, becomes an intimate bond that continues to evolve as your relationship does. It underscores the fact that while you remain unique people, your lives have entwined in beautifully unexpected ways. 4. Adopting Each Other's Sleep Patterns You may start syncing your sleep schedules, even if you had different routines before. Whether it's going to bed earlier, staying up later, or waking up at dawn, your rhythms align to create more time together. This change often happens gradually and naturally, as you subconsciously prioritize shared moments over individual habits. The adjustment seems minor, but it's a reflection of your willingness to adapt for the sake of togetherness. Your partner's presence becomes a source of comfort, helping you settle into a shared routine. This new sleep pattern might even extend to how you fall asleep, from the side of the bed you prefer to how you like your pillows arranged. You develop a nightly ritual that becomes integral to winding down for the day. Maybe it involves chatting about your day, reading a book together, or just enjoying a few moments of silence before falling asleep. These small adjustments demonstrate a deeper level of intimacy and compromise. Over time, these habits can become so ingrained that sleeping any other way feels unfamiliar. 5. Predicting Each Other's Needs In a long-term relationship, you start anticipating what your partner needs before they even have to ask. It's like developing a sixth sense, an ability to read between the lines and see what's not being said. According to relationship therapist Esther Perel, this kind of attentiveness can strengthen bonds, as it shows a commitment to understanding and meeting each other's needs. Whether it's fetching a glass of water or recognizing when they need some space, these unspoken gestures go a long way. They reflect a deep-seated empathy that's nurtured over time. This habit of predicting needs also extends to more significant matters, like recognizing when your partner is stressed or anxious. You develop a toolkit of responses that help provide comfort or relief, whether it's through physical affection, words of encouragement, or just being there to listen. This attunement shows that you're invested in their well-being, fostering a sense of security and support. It's not about being a mind-reader, but about knowing someone well enough to offer what they need when they need it. These small acts of foresight cement the foundation of trust in your relationship. 6. Developing Shared Hobbies Over time, you start to develop hobbies that you both enjoy, even if they were initially one person's interest. It's not about losing yourself but discovering new facets of life that you can enjoy together. These shared interests often become a staple in how you spend your leisure time, whether it's gardening, hiking, or cooking a new recipe. They offer a chance to collaborate and bond, cultivating a sense of partnership beyond the daily grind. By engaging in these activities, you create a reservoir of shared experiences that enrich your connection. These hobbies often become a cherished part of your routine, something you both look forward to amidst life's demands. They serve as a reminder that your relationship is a priority, one that deserves time and attention. These activities help maintain the excitement and novelty in your relationship, offering opportunities to learn and grow together. Over time, these shared pursuits become woven into the fabric of your relationship, representing the blend of your lives. They are a testament to both your individual interests and your collective journey. 7. Creating Personal Rituals As the relationship progresses, you begin to establish rituals unique to your relationship. These can be as simple as a Sunday morning breakfast tradition or as elaborate as an annual trip to a meaningful destination. According to psychologist Dr. Terri Orbuch, these rituals help to strengthen the relationship by creating meaningful memories and fostering a sense of stability. They become a part of your shared history, something you look forward to and cherish together. Personalized rituals offer a sense of belonging and consistency, grounding you both in the relationship. These rituals often emerge naturally, born out of shared experiences and mutual enjoyment. They might seem trivial to outsiders but hold significant emotional weight for you. These customs evolve and adapt as your relationship grows, reflecting the changes in your life and priorities. Whether spontaneous or planned, they serve as touchstones that bring you closer. Ultimately, these rituals are a celebration of your bond, a testament to your shared journey. 8. Reading Each Other's Moods You become adept at reading your partner's moods, even when they're trying to hide them. This ability to gauge their emotional state often comes from years of observation and interaction. It's not just about noticing when they're upset or happy, but understanding the subtle cues that indicate their emotional landscape. This sensitivity fosters empathy and helps you respond with care and consideration, deepening your emotional bond. It's like having an emotional barometer calibrated just for your partner. This mood-reading skill isn't just beneficial for navigating challenges but also for celebrating each other's joys. You learn to find joy in their happiness and provide support when they're feeling down. This emotional synchronization enhances your ability to communicate and connect on a deeper level, ensuring that both of you feel seen and understood. It's a continuous process of learning and adapting, one that enriches your relationship over time. Being attuned to each other's emotional needs is a testament to the depth of your connection. 9. Sharing Clothes And Accessories In a long-term relationship, boundaries start to blur to the point where sharing clothes and accessories becomes second nature. It's not uncommon to find yourself borrowing their hoodie or slipping into their slippers for comfort. This habit underscores a level of intimacy and comfort, a sharing of personal space that's both practical and sentimental. It's as if their belongings become extensions of your own, a tangible representation of your interconnected lives. This sharing is a way of keeping them close, even when they're not physically present. Beyond practicality, this habit often carries emotional significance, transforming everyday items into tokens of affection. Wearing your partner's clothes can feel like a warm hug, a reminder of your bond and shared life. It becomes a cherished ritual, one that might even spark inside jokes or playful teasing. Over time, certain items become iconic in your relationship, holding memories that span years. Sharing clothes and accessories becomes a small yet meaningful way to celebrate your connection. 10. Using Each Other's Catchphrases You might find that you start using each other's catchphrases or expressions in everyday conversation. This linguistic blending isn't about losing your voice but rather creating a shared dialogue that's unique to your relationship. It often happens unconsciously, as you absorb each other's mannerisms and speech patterns. These catchphrases become part of your shared vocabulary, a shorthand that conveys meaning and emotion beyond the words themselves. They represent the melding of two lives into one cohesive narrative. This habit can also serve as a form of bonding, as you both find humor and connection in these shared expressions. They often become inside jokes, a playful reminder of your shared experiences and perspectives. 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