Widening age limits on dating apps could be key to finding THE one
I do think we're in the middle of a serious trend.' Theresa MacPhail is a medical anthropologist and associate professor in the science and technology programme at the Stevens Institute in New York. But she's not just an academic – she's also a single woman in her fifties with extensive first-hand experience of using dating apps. And the 'trend' she's referring to concerns age gaps.
We're well used to scrutiny and discourse around the older man, younger woman trope – see the million or so thinkpieces about Leonardo DiCaprio and his bevy of love interests, who never seem to get past the age of 25 without being abruptly dumped, like some mad dating version of Logan's Run – but MacPhail is talking about the reverse phenomenon.
Over the past 10 years, she says, there's been a steady and significant increase in the number of men aged between 23 and 30 messaging her on all the major dating apps, including Hinge and Tinder. 'What really changed is that I'm now seeing men as young as 19 message me,' she says. 'I have been single and dating from age 40 to my current age of 52. Over that time, I would say that the percentage of men who are younger than me that find their way into my inbox has grown two or even threefold.'
She's not averse to casting the net wide – at the age of 42, she embarked upon a serious three-year relationship with a man 15 years her junior. Her current dating-app parameters are set between 35 and 55, though she says she'll go up to 65 if someone 'seems interesting and active in the world', and she sets her cut-off on the other end of the spectrum at 30-year-olds.
'I am very comfortable dating younger and older – for me it's more about how we get along, and if we share interests and values,' she tells me.
MacPhail isn't alone. A new survey from luxury sex-toy purveyor Lelo found that more than four out of five people (83 per cent) had widened their age preferences on dating apps in the past year. The Bumble dating app has picked up on a similar trend; globally, singles are widening their age-range filters, with more people open to dating both older and younger partners. Nearly two in three (63 per cent) of Bumble's users believe that age is no longer a defining factor in dating. In the UK, 84 per cent of men are open to dating older or younger, while more than half (61 per cent) of women say they would consider going out with someone their junior.
'Our perspective on age-gap relationships is shifting,' agrees Dr Caroline West, Bumble's sex and relationship expert. 'More than one in three women (35 per cent) on Bumble say they have become less judgemental towards generation-gap relationships in recent years.'
One reason could well be the plethora of recent films that have been anchored around the idea of age gaps – particularly those featuring older women and younger men. The latest Bridget Jones movie, starring Renee Zellweger and Leo Woodall, and last year's Nicole Kidman and Harris Dickinson vehicle Babygirl, are just the tip of the iceberg; recent releases with a similar premise include A Family Affair (Nicole Kidman and Zac Efron), The Idea of You (Anne Hathaway and Nicholas Galitzine) and Lonely Planet (Laura Dern and Liam Hemsworth). Although arguably, our fascination with the idea is nothing new: back in the Noughties we had Something's Gotta Give, featuring Diane Keaton and Keanu Reeves; Prime, starring Uma Thurman and Bryan Greenberg; and The Rebound, with Catherine Zeta-Jones and Justin Bartha.
The predilection for dating outside our demographic seems to be generational. Data from dating app Flirtini released last year revealed that more than half (52 per cent) of Gen Z men would date a women from four to 10+ years their senior, compared to just 9 per cent of millennial men and 1 per cent of Gen X. Going in the other direction, just 7 per cent of Gen Z males would be prepared to pursue romance with a woman four or more years younger, which leaps up to 67 per cent of millennials and a whopping 95 per of Gen X.
Meanwhile, Gen X women – those aged between 45 and 60 years old – are by far the most likely female cohort to accept a younger partner. Some 34 per cent said they'd date 10 or more years below their own age bracket, a number that dropped down to 10 per cent of millennial and 0 per cent of Gen Z women.
So what's the appeal? Tom*, a 28-year-old Bumble user, has always found himself drawn to older women, even before he finds out what age they are. He's currently chatting to a 31-year-old on the app – something of a departure for him, as he usually sets his parameters to five years his senior and above. 'I believe I grew up fast so I found myself more attracted to older women; I believe because of their life experiences they are more intentional and assertive about the things they want,' he says. 'They're more expressive and they are often better communicators.' Tom has 'no reservations' about age-gap relationships; 'Love is love regardless of age, as long as you both are happy, fulfilled and compatible,' he adds.
I believe I grew up fast so I found myself more attracted to older women
Tom, 28
The younger men whom MacPhail has dated or chatted to online always give roughly the same answers when she asks why they're interested in pursuing an older woman: 'That older women are easier to be around, that we're often more interesting to talk to (which I can see, because we have more time to accrue stories and experiences), and that we have more sexual experience and are more open, and they hope that we can teach them something.' The sexual element is key, she believes: 'I think younger men watch – or have been exposed to – porn with 'stepmoms' and 'teachers' and the like, and they think it's sexually attractive to be with someone older who they think knows what they're doing.'
On the flipside of the equation, Hayley*, 34, has recently decided that dating older might be the way forward. She's changed her Bumble age parameters to match, setting them to up to 55 years old. What others might see as an obstacle she sees as a benefit, citing 'differences' as one appeal of older men: 'Opposites attract, as they say.' She also believes they offer more stability, are more sure of themselves, and are more comfortable and settled in life. 'Older guys know what they want and aren't afraid to go for it,' she says.
Though 34-year-old Emma* hasn't quite taken the plunge yet, she is starting to think about dating younger, partly inspired by her social circle. 'Four of my closest friends are currently in relationships with younger men – three of whom they met organically, while one intentionally adjusted her app settings after seeing how well it worked for the others,' she says. 'Their experiences have made me more open to considering it, but I'm still weighing the idea.' While she thinks representation of the older woman/younger man dynamic in the media is a crucial step forward, she believes 'there's still work to be done in shifting societal attitudes'.
It's hard to argue. For all that Kidman is doing God's work in attempting to shift these attitudes, there's no doubt that stigma remains. The very existence of the term 'cougar' – used to describe an older woman being with a younger man – when there is no male equivalent, is arguably proof enough.
And you only have to look at the media's obsession with the relationship between actor Aaron Taylor-Johnson, 34, and his wife of 13 years, 58-year-old filmmaker Sam Taylor-Johnson, to get a sense of the discomfort that pervades. Likewise, 47-year-old French president Emmanuel Macron's marriage to Brigitte Macron, a woman 14 years his senior, has never ceased to be framed as titillating by certain quarters.
As an anthropologist, MacPhail is always curious about 'when and why people express disgust or discomfort'.
'These relationships are still taboo,' she says. 'All cultures have taboos, and they work to maintain social cohesion and identity. When people transgress social norms, by dating someone much younger or older, they are trafficking in taboo behaviours.'
I'm now seeing men as young as 19 message me
Theresa MacPhail
From what she's seen and experienced, people are far more comfortable with the idea of women having sexual relationships with younger men than they are romantic ones. 'When love and committed relationships come in, it's harder for people to accept,' she says. The questions come thick and fast, adds MacPhail, often displaying a bias against the younger generation: 'What did you talk about?' 'Was it just about the sex?' 'How old were you when they were born?' (with a residual disgust if it's more than five to 10 years old).
Still, those willing to break the taboo could well reap the rewards of widening their choice of potential partners. 'The relational literacy among younger generations is impressive and attractive,' argues Dr West. 'Many younger men, particularly Gen Z and millennials, exhibit strong emotional intelligence and better sex education, which explains why more women are expanding their dating pool to include them. While relationships with significant age gaps are often seen as transactional – based on the assumption that the pair have nothing in common – this is far from the truth today. These couples often share a commitment to personal and emotional growth.'
There will, of course, still be challenges to navigate, as there are in any relationship. Communication and honesty about the future are vital, according to Kate Moyle, a psychosexual therapist and Lelo's in-house sex and relationship expert. 'Your partner isn't a mind-reader, and it can be useful to listen and discuss each other's concerns and what potential hurdles you might face so that you can be better equipped as a couple to tackle them when they arise,' she says.
You also have to learn how to tune out external noise. 'One of the biggest external influences on age-gap relationships is social input, messages and opinions received from others, which many of us allow to impact our feelings in some ways,' adds Moyle. 'Try not to take on the opinions of others, and focus on your own feelings and those of your partner – people will always have opinions about something.'
And there's absolutely no need to humour others' voyeuristic curiosity about your relationship, she advises: 'If intrusive questions cross boundaries, you don't have to feel prepared to answer them – with more obvious differences, people often feel that they have more of a right to ask, even though they don't.''
At the end of the day, the modern adage 'you do you' is probably the best response to someone else's relationship, rather than interrogation or judgement. As MacPhail puts it: 'Personally, I'm a big fan of letting people do what works for them, even if it wouldn't work for me.'
*Names have been changed
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