Ivy League-trained psychologist: ‘A parent's job is never to make their kid happy'—what to do instead

CNBC

4 days ago

Many parents' first instinct when their child is feeling sad, upset or frustrated is to try and cheer them up.
That's a critical mistake, says Becky Kennedy, a Columbia University-trained clinical psychologist and mom of three. Constantly swooping in to boost your child's mood during difficult moments hinders their resilience, making them less emotionally and mentally equipped to see their tough circumstances through, she says.
Instead, make it your job to give support or advice, and be a listening ear — not a superhero — when needed, Kennedy says.
"A parent's job is never to make their kid happy or to smooth every bump in the road," says Kennedy, the host of the "Good Inside" parenting podcast. "Our job in those hard moments ... is to see a more capable version of our kid than they can access [themselves]."Children learn by messing up, getting frustrated and not getting their way, Kennedy says. If you're constantly focused on making them happy, rather than helping them manage their full range of emotions and act on their feelings appropriately, you're doing your kids a disservice.
"Learning is very messy. Learning involves melting down. It involves saying, 'I'm so stupid,' and 'I can't do it,'" says Kennedy. Stepping in "deprives them of the ability to learn it themselves and to see themselves as a resilient learner."
The next time your kid is struggling with math homework, for example, empower them to come up with solutions on their own, she says. They may cry, catch an attitude or beg you to do the problem for them. Kennedy recommends responding with something along the lines of:
"You're right. This math problem is really tricky. It feels hard because it is hard. And I can sit near you, I can check on you, I can take a breath with you — but I'm not going to do it for you, because I know you're going to be able to figure this out. I believe in you. We can get through this together."
An empathetic-yet-firm approach validates their feelings, and builds resilience and inner efficacy — an individual's belief that they're capable of meeting their goals, developmental psychologist Aliza Pressman wrote for CNBC Make It in January 2024.
Both skills are essential for kids to become successful, emotionally intelligent adults, wrote Pressman: "When kids understand that their failures aren't due to permanent limitations, there's an opening for future achievement."
If you have a history of yielding to your child's whining, crying fits or their puppy dog eyes, following Kennedy's advice may be easier said than done.
But if you do, you'll notice more resilience — in your child and yourself — fairly quickly, Kennedy says. You'll find that you can tolerate their frustration more calmly, and that they're regulating their emotions more quickly, leaning less on your reassurance and more on their own, she says.
Your child's "self-talk" will also improve significantly, adds Kennedy: "Our words to our kids become our kids' words to themselves. So when you say a couple of times, 'Yes, this is tricky. And you're a kid who can do tricky things,' there will be a moment where you hear your kids say it to themselves."