What To Know Before You Start Dating Someone Who Is 'Practically Divorced'
You've been swiping through Tinder for a while now and have even debated throwing in the towel on dating apps. But one day, at long last, you match with someone who seems like the real deal. You start messaging each other. You keep messaging each other. You're definitely vibing and hope to take things to the next level with an IRL meetup.
Except there's one not-so-itty-bitty problem. Their 'ex' is still in the picture.
Even though a person's previous relationship may have ended months ago, they could still technically be married. Or still living with their ex-partner. Or haven't yet figured out the logistics with the kids. Or all of the above.
Since the average timeline for a divorce in the United States is about 11 months, it's unrealistic for people to hold off on starting a new relationship before the ink is dry on the legal documents. But if you're the 'single' party in this potential new relationship, you may be putting yourself in a vulnerable position if you're not armed with the facts from the outset.
This is not to say things can't work out, but you'll have a much higher chance at long-term happiness if you enter the relationship with a heightened awareness about your new significant other (SO).
To help you navigate the legal and romantic challenges of dating someone who is 'practically divorced,' HuffPost sought advice from family law attorneys, a certified dating coach and a marriage and family therapist. Read on for their thoughts on approaching this new relationship with healthy boundaries, while being mindful of red flags.
This may seem obvious at first glance — and not always easy at the beginning of a new relationship — but if you plan to date someone who isn't divorced yet, facts are your friend.
The first thing you'll need to establish is your significant other's definition of 'practically divorced,' because it's a broad term: 'To one person, 'practically divorced' means the agreement is done, I'm waiting for paperwork, or we're on the last topic and our lawyers are circulating it,' explained Sarah Jacobs, a matrimonial law attorney and co-founder of Jacobs Berger LLC in Morristown, New Jersey. But another person may say they're 'practically divorced,' yet 'they haven't even settled discovery, and they have no idea what's up next. It could take another year to two years for this case to be done.'
You'll also want to take stock of your SO's emotional volatility: 'One of the things [people should] consider is that emotions are still really high, and that there's a lot of healing that comes after the divorce,' said family law attorney and Jacobs Berger LLC co-founder Jamie Berger. She advised 'allowing [the divorcing party] the breath and space to truly heal afterward, and understanding that those emotions need to be worked through.'
That being said, it's really up to you how much emotional baggage you're willing to shoulder.
'A person still legally wrapped up in their marriage may not have the space, self-honesty, or self-awareness needed for a new beginning,' said Julie Nguyen, a Los Angeles-based certified dating coach with the dating app Hily. 'It would be wise to assess whether they're truly ready for what you have to offer, or if your relationship is a soft landing for their in-between.'
'Legal status matters, but emotional availability matters more,' observed Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC, an LA-based anxiety, trauma and attachment therapist. 'Someone can swear they're 'done' with their marriage — but if the divorce isn't final, and they haven't taken clear steps to close that chapter, you're stepping into something unstable.'
If you decide to pursue the relationship, you may have to switch out full-speed ahead for baby steps. Start by finding out if your new SO has financially separated from their ex, the details of their living arrangements (are they still living together?) and if kids are involved. The more you know at the outset, the better the potential for a happy outcome.
'There should be some sort of baseline understanding between the two of you as to what the [divorce] status is,' said Jacobs.
Again, boundaries are just a good rule of thumb at the start of any new relationship, but if you're dating someone who's still legally married, setting a few financial and emotional boundaries could mean the difference between happiness and heartbreak.
'Don't become [your significant other's] therapist or distraction from their grief,' warned Nguyen. 'It's a fine line to be part of their support system as they process feelings around their ex, legal process and emotional intensity. However, you want to have boundaries around how much you can be there for them so you can protect the sanctity of what you're building together.'
'From a financial side, you want to be careful not to embroil yourself in somebody else's conflict,' advised Berger, as that can just create messy situations. 'Especially if the relationship goes south.'
As for emotional boundaries, Jacobs cautioned against getting involved in divorce-related discussions, even if you think you're just being supportive: '[The non-divorcing partner] inappropriately inserting themselves into parenting-time conversations or financial discussions or unnecessarily churning waters to their individual desired outcome is a recipe for disaster.'
But that doesn't mean you can't be a source of emotional support for the divorcing partner, which is why establishing boundaries early on is critical.
'Knowing your role in the situation is very important because it's hard when emotions are high and a relationship is new, and when you want to lend that emotional support,' said Berger. 'And it's very easy to cross a line, especially [if it's] a line that you may not know exists because you don't have all the information.'
An example Berger gives here is how sometimes the divorcing couple will include parameters in their agreements about 'when a new significant other can be introduced to kids.' If you're pushing to meet your new partner's kids and don't know this specific parameter exists in the divorce agreement, 'you may be putting your new significant other in a really difficult position too.'
While empathy and patience for the divorcing party are certainly important, you also want to make sure things aren't moving too quickly for you, either. This could mean anything from feeling pushed into a step-parent role before you're ready, or cohabitating with someone who is barely out of their previous marriage.
Trust your gut in these situations: 'If something is not passing the smell test and you can't get transparency and you can't get answers to very simple questions, you may want to either pass or try to really understand why this person's getting divorced,' Jacobs said. 'You may be engaging in a relationship that's going to blow up for you, too, and you don't need that.'
One way to get a clear idea of what you're getting into is to observe how 'somebody communicates with their soon-to-be-ex-spouse, both on the phone and via text message,' Berger said. 'If you see things that you wouldn't be comfortable with receiving on the other side of it, that's a big red flag.'
At the same time, if your SO isn't sharing anything with you, that could be problematic too. 'If you never hear about their children, if they never utter a word about their divorce proceedings, I think that's a red flag as to their level of transparency and communication,' Jacobs said. 'Also, what are they trying to hide?'
'I recommend paying attention to how they talk about their ex — not just what they say, but the energy behind it,' Groskopf said. 'Is it clean? Respectful? Or are they still angry, blaming, chaotic, or trying to pull you into the narrative? If they're venting about their marriage on the third date, that's a huge red flag.'
Even if you're willing to be your SO's rock as they move through the divorce process, you're also allowed to set expectations in this relationship. That means establishing your own parameters and doing your own research, if necessary.
'You want to be discerning,' advised Berger. '[Know] what you are looking for, what your expectations are — and make sure that you are doing it with your eyes and ears wide open.' Because dating someone during a divorce is complicated, full stop.
So if you want to perform some due diligence and google your new SO, Jacobs says to go for it! Check out their LinkedIn profile: Does it track with what they've told you? Do you have any mutual friends you could ask for some intel?
'You're not intending necessarily to stir the tea or create the gossip,' Jacobs said, 'but some third-party feedback could be helpful.'
Remember, the internet is forever, so a little sleuthing now could save you a lot of anguish further down the road.
This Common Behavior Is A Tell-Tale Sign A Couple Is Divorce-Bound
Deborra-Lee Furness Drastically Changes Tone In Hugh Jackman Divorce Statement
Joe Jonas Says Dating After His Divorce From Sophie Turner Has Been A 'Scary' Experience
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What To Know Before You Start Dating Someone Who Is 'Practically Divorced'
You've been swiping through Tinder for a while now and have even debated throwing in the towel on dating apps. But one day, at long last, you match with someone who seems like the real deal. You start messaging each other. You keep messaging each other. You're definitely vibing and hope to take things to the next level with an IRL meetup. Except there's one not-so-itty-bitty problem. Their 'ex' is still in the picture. Even though a person's previous relationship may have ended months ago, they could still technically be married. Or still living with their ex-partner. Or haven't yet figured out the logistics with the kids. Or all of the above. Since the average timeline for a divorce in the United States is about 11 months, it's unrealistic for people to hold off on starting a new relationship before the ink is dry on the legal documents. But if you're the 'single' party in this potential new relationship, you may be putting yourself in a vulnerable position if you're not armed with the facts from the outset. This is not to say things can't work out, but you'll have a much higher chance at long-term happiness if you enter the relationship with a heightened awareness about your new significant other (SO). To help you navigate the legal and romantic challenges of dating someone who is 'practically divorced,' HuffPost sought advice from family law attorneys, a certified dating coach and a marriage and family therapist. Read on for their thoughts on approaching this new relationship with healthy boundaries, while being mindful of red flags. This may seem obvious at first glance — and not always easy at the beginning of a new relationship — but if you plan to date someone who isn't divorced yet, facts are your friend. The first thing you'll need to establish is your significant other's definition of 'practically divorced,' because it's a broad term: 'To one person, 'practically divorced' means the agreement is done, I'm waiting for paperwork, or we're on the last topic and our lawyers are circulating it,' explained Sarah Jacobs, a matrimonial law attorney and co-founder of Jacobs Berger LLC in Morristown, New Jersey. But another person may say they're 'practically divorced,' yet 'they haven't even settled discovery, and they have no idea what's up next. It could take another year to two years for this case to be done.' You'll also want to take stock of your SO's emotional volatility: 'One of the things [people should] consider is that emotions are still really high, and that there's a lot of healing that comes after the divorce,' said family law attorney and Jacobs Berger LLC co-founder Jamie Berger. She advised 'allowing [the divorcing party] the breath and space to truly heal afterward, and understanding that those emotions need to be worked through.' That being said, it's really up to you how much emotional baggage you're willing to shoulder. 'A person still legally wrapped up in their marriage may not have the space, self-honesty, or self-awareness needed for a new beginning,' said Julie Nguyen, a Los Angeles-based certified dating coach with the dating app Hily. 'It would be wise to assess whether they're truly ready for what you have to offer, or if your relationship is a soft landing for their in-between.' 'Legal status matters, but emotional availability matters more,' observed Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC, an LA-based anxiety, trauma and attachment therapist. 'Someone can swear they're 'done' with their marriage — but if the divorce isn't final, and they haven't taken clear steps to close that chapter, you're stepping into something unstable.' If you decide to pursue the relationship, you may have to switch out full-speed ahead for baby steps. Start by finding out if your new SO has financially separated from their ex, the details of their living arrangements (are they still living together?) and if kids are involved. The more you know at the outset, the better the potential for a happy outcome. 'There should be some sort of baseline understanding between the two of you as to what the [divorce] status is,' said Jacobs. Again, boundaries are just a good rule of thumb at the start of any new relationship, but if you're dating someone who's still legally married, setting a few financial and emotional boundaries could mean the difference between happiness and heartbreak. 'Don't become [your significant other's] therapist or distraction from their grief,' warned Nguyen. 'It's a fine line to be part of their support system as they process feelings around their ex, legal process and emotional intensity. However, you want to have boundaries around how much you can be there for them so you can protect the sanctity of what you're building together.' 'From a financial side, you want to be careful not to embroil yourself in somebody else's conflict,' advised Berger, as that can just create messy situations. 'Especially if the relationship goes south.' As for emotional boundaries, Jacobs cautioned against getting involved in divorce-related discussions, even if you think you're just being supportive: '[The non-divorcing partner] inappropriately inserting themselves into parenting-time conversations or financial discussions or unnecessarily churning waters to their individual desired outcome is a recipe for disaster.' But that doesn't mean you can't be a source of emotional support for the divorcing partner, which is why establishing boundaries early on is critical. 'Knowing your role in the situation is very important because it's hard when emotions are high and a relationship is new, and when you want to lend that emotional support,' said Berger. 'And it's very easy to cross a line, especially [if it's] a line that you may not know exists because you don't have all the information.' An example Berger gives here is how sometimes the divorcing couple will include parameters in their agreements about 'when a new significant other can be introduced to kids.' If you're pushing to meet your new partner's kids and don't know this specific parameter exists in the divorce agreement, 'you may be putting your new significant other in a really difficult position too.' While empathy and patience for the divorcing party are certainly important, you also want to make sure things aren't moving too quickly for you, either. This could mean anything from feeling pushed into a step-parent role before you're ready, or cohabitating with someone who is barely out of their previous marriage. Trust your gut in these situations: 'If something is not passing the smell test and you can't get transparency and you can't get answers to very simple questions, you may want to either pass or try to really understand why this person's getting divorced,' Jacobs said. 'You may be engaging in a relationship that's going to blow up for you, too, and you don't need that.' One way to get a clear idea of what you're getting into is to observe how 'somebody communicates with their soon-to-be-ex-spouse, both on the phone and via text message,' Berger said. 'If you see things that you wouldn't be comfortable with receiving on the other side of it, that's a big red flag.' At the same time, if your SO isn't sharing anything with you, that could be problematic too. 'If you never hear about their children, if they never utter a word about their divorce proceedings, I think that's a red flag as to their level of transparency and communication,' Jacobs said. 'Also, what are they trying to hide?' 'I recommend paying attention to how they talk about their ex — not just what they say, but the energy behind it,' Groskopf said. 'Is it clean? Respectful? Or are they still angry, blaming, chaotic, or trying to pull you into the narrative? If they're venting about their marriage on the third date, that's a huge red flag.' Even if you're willing to be your SO's rock as they move through the divorce process, you're also allowed to set expectations in this relationship. That means establishing your own parameters and doing your own research, if necessary. 'You want to be discerning,' advised Berger. '[Know] what you are looking for, what your expectations are — and make sure that you are doing it with your eyes and ears wide open.' Because dating someone during a divorce is complicated, full stop. So if you want to perform some due diligence and google your new SO, Jacobs says to go for it! Check out their LinkedIn profile: Does it track with what they've told you? Do you have any mutual friends you could ask for some intel? 'You're not intending necessarily to stir the tea or create the gossip,' Jacobs said, 'but some third-party feedback could be helpful.' Remember, the internet is forever, so a little sleuthing now could save you a lot of anguish further down the road. This Common Behavior Is A Tell-Tale Sign A Couple Is Divorce-Bound Deborra-Lee Furness Drastically Changes Tone In Hugh Jackman Divorce Statement Joe Jonas Says Dating After His Divorce From Sophie Turner Has Been A 'Scary' Experience
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Is texting ‘k' hurting your relationships? Here's the truth about those abbreviated chats
When Sam Maglio, a marketing and psychology professor at the University of Toronto, began his research into abbreviations in texting, he thought they might be a good thing. They could signal a close relationship — a kind of shorthand between friends — and indicate social connection and comfort. His research proved him wrong. Together with co-authors David Fang and Yiran Zhang, Maglio analyzed conversations from the dating app Tinder, the text-based social platform Discord and participants' own conversations, and also conducted a slew of other studies. In test after test, Magio found using abbreviations to be 'surprisingly bad for the relationship.' His research, published last year, showed texts with abbreviations were seen as less sincere and effortful, and are less likely to get a response. A viral claim that 'K' is the worst possible text might not be far from the truth. Research shows texts with abbreviations are seen as less sincere and effortful. 'The more you abbreviate,' Magio said, 'the worse you look — or the lazier you look — in the eyes of others.' As so much of our communication is wrapped up in texting and online messaging, Magio's research could be part of a road map to making more meaningful digital connections. Here's how abbreviations are received — and how to make your texts more sincere. The University of Toronto research team used eight different studies to evaluate the impact abbreviations have, including field studies and tightly-controlled lab studies. In one, the researchers analyzed conversations from 686 users on Tinder. They found that more abbreviations in a conversation correlated with conversations ending sooner. In another study, the researchers messaged nearly 1,900 Discord users at random from an anime community and asked for recommendations on what to watch. If the request had abbreviations, it was less likely to get a response. The researchers found similar results in pre-existing relationships, too. They asked participants to pull up a recent text conversation on their phone. If it had abbreviations, participants reported feeling the conversation was less sincere and effortful. 'Even with those existing relationships, if they pull it up and it's got abbreviations, it's bad for the relationship,' Maglio said. While texting as a form of communication is built on short messages sent between other activities, relying on abbreviations is 'often not valued from the receiver perspective,' according to Anabel Quan-Haase, a sociologist at Western University who researches digital communication. 'If you are texting someone and expect a longer response that shows care for the relationship,' Quan-Haase wrote in an email, 'then receiving a short reply that contains abbreviations feels like it is insincere and less meaningful.' Quan-Haase suggested the tone of texting can be misinterpreted because it lacks the unspoken cues of other forms of communication, like tone of voice, facial expressions and body movement. 'Without them, it is sometimes difficult to 'read' the tone or the intention of the sender,' she said. Recently, a claim that 'K' is the worst-received abbreviation when texting went viral, and it 'makes perfect sense' to Maglio. While he didn't research which abbreviations are worse than others, he said the ease of texting 'K' — just a single keystroke — could make it come across as 'the lowest you can go on an abbreviation.' 'K' has also taken on an implicit meaning, more than simply just an abbreviation of OK, Quan-Haase said. Alongside the texts 'k.' (with a period) and 'OK,' 'K' signals 'various degrees of annoyance or even aggression,' Quan-Haase explained. 'It basically adds a layer of communication, what we call connotative communication, to the conversation,' she said. 'It is almost like tone of voice in face-to-face communication.' The lesson, Maglio said, is that language sends 'very powerful, non-stop signals,' whether intentionally or not. It's not that you should never use abbreviations, Maglio explained — it's just that you should understand how it might be received. 'We speak, we write, we communicate without giving it much thought,' Maglio said. Since completing the research, Maglio has started using voice memos more often, because they appear more effortful and sincere than regular texts. Quan-Haase said video and phone calls produce the most meaningful digital connections, but research shows strong ties rely on 'micro communications.' 'It is ultimately about the bundle of text messages, voice memos, video calls and phone calls that help build strong connections over time,' Quan-Haase said. 'It is not a single message.'
