Dear Vix: My partner wants an open relationship and I don't
My husband and I have been together for years – since we were at university together. We've been through a lot: family bereavement, illness, even miscarriage. We've had our share of rocky moments – including infidelity. But, we've come through it, and (so I thought) we're now stronger than ever.
But my husband has thrown a grenade into our marriage. He says we've been together so long that we should trust each other completely, by now – enough to 'open up' our relationship.
He explains it as a way to satisfy the natural curiosity we all have about sleeping with other people – but in a safe and secure environment. He says that rather than making me feel jealous, it should reassure me, because I never have to worry about him cheating. He'd be doing it with my consent and within our rules. He makes me feel like I'm not being open-minded enough to give it a try.
Some of what he says is quite convincing, but I don't feel convinced. In fact, I feel sick. I can't imagine knowing he's out on a date and waiting up for him to get home. I'd absolutely hate it. He says he wouldn't mind if I did it – but what does that say? That he doesn't care enough about me to hate the thought of me being with other men?
I don't know much about polyamory, but I do know that whatever this is, I don't like it. At all.
Uncool
Dear Uncool,
Polyamory is a relationship style (or orientation) that suits some people, but not others. It is a deeply personal choice. Nobody can – or should – make that choice for you.
And all I'm concerned about here, reading your letter, is the fact that you don't like the idea. That it makes you feel sick. That you don't feel convinced (and I am quite concerned by the words 'convincing' or 'convinced'. It suggests that your husband is impressing this decision on you and trying to talk you round).
You say you feel hurt by the idea that your husband wouldn't mind you being with other men. That you would abhor waiting up, knowing he was out on a date with another woman. And I want you to know that those feelings are completely valid.
I have a pet theory that since polyamory, throuples and open relationships have exploded into social consciousness, thanks to the plethora of TV programmes about it (see: Channel 4's Open House: The Great Sex Experiment, as just one example) and a greater number of poly people sharing their stories, it's become something that some people feel they should be doing.
There seems to be a prevailing misperception amongst daters or couples that if you want to show you are open-minded and trust your partner, you should probably give polyamory a try.
In truth, it's much, much more complex than that. Being non-monogamous isn't usually a one-off experiment, but a relationship style (and some poly people reject the term 'lifestyle', declaring it an orientation, instead).
It's not just a 'my husband and I went to a swingers' party once ' – though, of course, it's fine to try things to see if it suits you – but a complete adaptation to the way you approach your relationships.
Polyamory is not for everyone. And that's OK!
Some of us know to our core that we are not polyamorous and have no interest in being in a non-monogamous relationship. And I don't think you should feel ashamed (or face accusations of not being 'open-minded') if you are one of them.
What I'm a little more worried about is whether your husband is open to listening to your feelings about this. And whether he'll respect your decision not to open up your relationship if you decide you don't want to.
I'd also be extremely interested to talk to him to find out what is driving his interest in ethical non-monogamy – is it sex? Is it a specific desire he doesn't think you'd be into? How does he think it would enhance your lives and make them better? How is he feeling currently – and is it related to making him want 'more'?
There's no harm – and only gain – in talking things over and learning about each other. But one thing that is truly vital is that he respects your 'no' (if that is what it is) fully and unequivocally, as he should.
You must not feel pressured to do anything you don't want to do.
If he takes your 'no' as a 'maybe' and leans on you to change your mind, I'd be looking for a new relationship style altogether: one that doesn't involve him.
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