I had revenge sex after boyfriend bedded my pal – but he thinks what I did was WORSE and constantly brings it up

The Irish Sun

3 days ago

DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER my boyfriend slept with my friend, I had revenge sex with someone from work.
I forgave my boyfriend but apparently what I did is still an issue.
We're eight months on and he constantly brings up my cheating. Yet, somehow, his infidelity isn't as important.
I'm 25 and he is 26. We've been together for almost two years.
A while back we went through a bad patch, because I felt neglected and needed more affection from him, but he refused to change.
Miserable, I decided to take a break to see if he would change his mind. It backfired because within a week he had sex with a friend of mine.
I was heartbroken but he convinced me to give him another chance.
It played on my mind and I couldn't ­forget what he'd done.
We decided we needed some space from one another to work out what we wanted. I was so angry and admit I behaved recklessly. One night I went out after work and got drunk.
Looking back I can see I was on a mission: I flirted outrageously and went home with one of my colleagues, my mind was full of revenge.
I knew this guy liked me, he had made it obvious before. He's 30 and single but he was a let-down in bed.
Afterwards I felt so guilty, I confessed to my boyfriend.
Spotting the signs your partner is cheating
Still, I was taken aback when he admitted he'd been getting to know another girl and she had given him oral sex.
We agreed to forgive one another but my boyfriend is finding it difficult to forget. He always brings up what I did, even though I don't say anything about his behaviour.
My sex drive is almost non-existent now. I wonder if it's because he won't accept we are as bad as each other.
DEIDRE SAYS: As you now know, two wrongs do not make a right.
I understand your anger with your boyfriend but, as you discovered, revenge didn't give you the satisfaction you were seeking.
Every time something goes wrong in your relationship, you both run away from the issues.
But unless you can dig in, talk about how you feel and start to open up, it won't be possible to create trust.
You both will continue to question the other, think the worst of them and – in time – no doubt stray again.
You need to be positive about the future and the pleasures you can share but if nothing changes you should think about calling it a day.
My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help.
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I'VE LOST WIFE TO THE GYM
DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife wants to move out, leaving me and the kids. I put it down to her gym obsession – or one of her workout buddies has turned her head.
She joined a gym three years ago, now she's addicted. She's constantly posting on social media about how far she's run or how many bench presses she's done. Is anyone interested?
Even our two teenage kids are fed-up. It's as if we don't exist – she'll meet friends from the gym on Tuesdays and Friday nights and now it's spilling into our weekends.
We had a row about me feeling second-best but she said she can't give up the gym and we'd be better off with her living elsewhere. I'm a 45-year-old man, she's 40.
There's a guy who always goes out with her. He's 43 and equally obsessed with fitness. She says they're friends. But why this sudden urgency for her to get her own place?
DEIDRE SAYS: She's checked out – but you can fight to keep her invested, for the sake of all of you.
Keep calm and hold a mirror up to her obsession. Explain the children are missing her presence and so are you.
She may be feeling a crisis at reaching 40 but she's paying a high price.
Be honest – if you've neglected your relationship too, tell her that you're going to wipe the slate clean and look at it through fresh eyes.
Counselling will help. See tavistockrelationships.org or call 020 7380 1975.
SEXY PHONE PICS ENRAGED LOVER
DEAR DEIDRE: SOME revealing pictures and messages sent to me by an old friend have flipped out my girlfriend, after she went into my phone and saw them.
I am 27 and my girlfriend is 24. We have been together for two years and I absolutely adore her.
We met online but I am the first proper boyfriend she has had and the only guy she has fallen in love with. I have no intention of ever cheating on her but do have a bit of a reputation for being flirty.
I bumped into my old friend in a coffee shop in town. I have known her since we were both 16. She looked amazing and it was good to see her.
My friend and I had never got together but I'd always fancied her so when I discovered she had always liked me it was a huge ego boost. That day we sat and chatted and she admitted she had always had a crush on me.
I didn't really know what to say so just laughed it off. But a few days later she messaged me and we began chatting.
At first it was just day-to-day stuff but then the messages became flirtier. I now realise a little bit of flirting can run away with you and soon become out of control.
My girlfriend has accused me of cheating, which I guess it was.
I am now wondering whether I will ever be able to have a relationship without harming it. I can't eat or sleep worrying about the damage I have caused to my relationship.
DEIDRE SAYS: Flirting may seem harmless but some see it as micro-cheating. Your girlfriend clearly feels you have betrayed her. She needs to know that you are there for her, because your attention has certainly been elsewhere.
Ask yourself how you would feel if she was exchanging revealing pictures and messages with another guy.
Talk to her about her boundaries, and what constitutes cheating in her eyes, and see if you can agree limits. Talking this through will bring you closer.
Flirting can be driven by low self-worth. My support pack Raising Self-esteem explains more about the underlying causes.
BOYFRIEND DUMPED ME FOR ARMY
DEAR DEIDRE: I AM heartbroken because my boyfriend is joining the Army and no longer wants to be in a relationship with me.
I have begged him to reconsider but he is adamant that he has made up his mind.
I have even said I will move to wherever he is going to be based, so we can be closer, but he is not listening. He doesn't want to know.
I am 19 and my boyfriend is 20. We have been together for almost a year.
We discussed marriage and kids, even though he never made as much effort as I did during our time together.
I have been saving for our wedding for over a year and he told me he was putting money aside to buy me an engagement ring.
I know he has always wanted a career in the Army and there is nothing wrong with him being ambitious.
What I can't understand is why he is being so cruel by completely cutting me out of his life. I am devastated.
DEIDRE SAYS:I am sorry he has dealt with this in such a hurtful way. He is young, and clearly wants to see more of life and broaden his horizons before he settles down.
Even though it is devastating for you, it is better that you find out now rather than later down the line.
My support pack Mend Your Broken Heart will help you to learn from this and move on.