My husband refuses to sleep with me after beating cancer... so I paid our much younger gardener for sex. This is why I did it - and why I'M the one being betrayed: HELEN LAPORTE
At 55, I am 20 years his senior, but I'm not embarrassed by our age gap – it only added to my pleasure.
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The Guardian
16 hours ago
- The Guardian
My husband treats me as his dirty little secret – and won't have sex at home
My husband and I never have sex at home, only at our friends' places or in hotel rooms. We've lived together, improbably, for four years now. When we hooked up six years ago I never expected anything serious, just a one-night stand with a hot flight attendant. After 15 casual sexual encounters we had a screaming row about my sleeping with someone else, and after the 16th, we decided to be in an exclusive relationship. After 40 meet-ups, he brought home an exotic strain of gonorrhoea; when we had got over the shock, and finished a course of antibiotics, we started planning the wedding. It took us a while to find the right place to live together and we stayed with friends for the first three months. We had an incredible amount of sex during that time, of which he was nearly always the instigator – using words such as 'she's out for milk – let's gooooo'. We kept this up for the first few months in our own home, but gradually we ended up just cuddling in our shared bed, and, after a few rejected attempts on my part to spice things up a bit, I settled for just that. He admitted once (when I tried to have sex with him on the kitchen floor) that my furniture was too 'me', it intruded on his mind – he preferred anonymous spaces. And, truly, when we're not home, suddenly it's all fireworks again: in a friend's guest room during a dinner party, in countless hotels, and a few times in very public situations that I still feel anxious about. I do love the excitement – but I'm feeling increasingly manipulated. My husband is the 'bottom', and he's always ready when he decides we're doing it. I feel as if he's treating me like his dirty secret, and that makes me worry about what he's getting up to in all those foreign hotels he's staying in. We make increasing use of the blindfold and other BDSM materials, and on a recent hotel visit he suggested inviting up one of the waiters he'd been flirting with to 'share' him. I don't know if I can cope with the emotional whiplash for much longer. How can I get the balance back in our life? Maintaining heightened eroticism in a marriage is not always possible, but you two have achieved this, albeit fleetingly. This has happened largely because the contrasting nature of your lifestyles has helped you to reconnect with the passionate, diverse and somewhat forbidden nature of some of your most exciting early encounters, and has also supported the maintenance of your sexual individuality. Both of these aspects are known to enhance a couple's erotic connection. On the one hand, they are blessings; on the other hand you have entered a phase of life where you crave true intimacy, while your husband still thrives on spontaneous, creative sex. Your contrasting sexual styles are both valid and legitimate, but, in the context of your long term relationship, some negotiation needs to occur between you to ensure that the needs of both of you are met. Listen to each other's point of view and share your own feelings. Some couples agree to try a 50/50 split. In your case, that split could be between 'at home' sex and sex elsewhere. But I suspect the thing that is bothering you the most is that, in common with many people who 'top' exclusively, you are experiencing burnout. To make matters worse, he is passively controlling. This too must be discussed, and challenged in a non-blaming manner. Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders. If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to (please don't send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure discussion remains on topics raised by the writer. Please be aware there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.
The Guardian
16 hours ago
- The Guardian
My husband treats me as his dirty little secret – and won't have sex at home
My husband and I never have sex at home, only at our friends' places or in hotel rooms. We've lived together, improbably, for four years now. When we hooked up six years ago I never expected anything serious, just a one-night stand with a hot flight attendant. After 15 casual sexual encounters we had a screaming row about my sleeping with someone else, and after the 16th, we decided to be in an exclusive relationship. After 40 meet-ups, he brought home an exotic strain of gonorrhoea; when we had got over the shock, and finished a course of antibiotics, we started planning the wedding. It took us a while to find the right place to live together and we stayed with friends for the first three months. We had an incredible amount of sex during that time, of which he was nearly always the instigator – using words such as 'she's out for milk – let's gooooo'. We kept this up for the first few months in our own home, but gradually we ended up just cuddling in our shared bed, and, after a few rejected attempts on my part to spice things up a bit, I settled for just that. He admitted once (when I tried to have sex with him on the kitchen floor) that my furniture was too 'me', it intruded on his mind – he preferred anonymous spaces. And, truly, when we're not home, suddenly it's all fireworks again: in a friend's guest room during a dinner party, in countless hotels, and a few times in very public situations that I still feel anxious about. I do love the excitement – but I'm feeling increasingly manipulated. My husband is the 'bottom', and he's always ready when he decides we're doing it. I feel as if he's treating me like his dirty secret, and that makes me worry about what he's getting up to in all those foreign hotels he's staying in. We make increasing use of the blindfold and other BDSM materials, and on a recent hotel visit he suggested inviting up one of the waiters he'd been flirting with to 'share' him. I don't know if I can cope with the emotional whiplash for much longer. How can I get the balance back in our life? Maintaining heightened eroticism in a marriage is not always possible, but you two have achieved this, albeit fleetingly. This has happened largely because the contrasting nature of your lifestyles has helped you to reconnect with the passionate, diverse and somewhat forbidden nature of some of your most exciting early encounters, and has also supported the maintenance of your sexual individuality. Both of these aspects are known to enhance a couple's erotic connection. On the one hand, they are blessings; on the other hand you have entered a phase of life where you crave true intimacy, while your husband still thrives on spontaneous, creative sex. Your contrasting sexual styles are both valid and legitimate, but, in the context of your long term relationship, some negotiation needs to occur between you to ensure that the needs of both of you are met. Listen to each other's point of view and share your own feelings. Some couples agree to try a 50/50 split. In your case, that split could be between 'at home' sex and sex elsewhere. But I suspect the thing that is bothering you the most is that, in common with many people who 'top' exclusively, you are experiencing burnout. To make matters worse, he is passively controlling. This too must be discussed, and challenged in a non-blaming manner. Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders. If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to (please don't send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure discussion remains on topics raised by the writer. Please be aware there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.
Times
4 days ago
- Times
Our sex sessions go on for too long
Q. I'm in my thirties and have recently started dating a new man, but am having a problem I've not experienced before: the sex goes on for too long. After a certain point, I feel I stop enjoying it and just want it to be over. Is there a solution to this? A. Lots of men, especially those who grew up watching porn, misguidedly believe that being able to have sex for ages without climaxing is a real skill. Because women generally take longer than men to become aroused enough to achieve orgasm, it can be advantageous for a man to be able to sustain an erection. However, consistently extended sex sessions are unfortunately more likely to cause extreme discomfort than to give her an orgasm. • Read more expert advice on sex, relationships, dating and love The most obvious (and easy) solution to this problem is just to tell him that you'd like to mix things up a bit. Explain that sometimes all you actually want is a quickie — and that you find spontaneity extremely erotic. He is unlikely to take offence or react sensitively to this approach — if that's something you're worried about. However, if you are worried about how he will respond, you could also, not to be euphemistic, take matters into your own hands. By taking control and becoming a more active and assertive sexual partner, you are likely to find he achieves orgasm more quickly — as well as making the experience more varied and so enjoyable, hopefully for both of you. Get on top. Use your hands. Use your voice (research shows that 'copulatory vocalisation' aka moaning, hastens male orgasm). You could also introduce sex toys, if that feels like something you'd enjoy. Varying his sensory experience generally ensures that he will reach climax more rapidly. Having sex in different places will also help to change the pace. If you do all of this and nothing changes, your new partner may not actually be capable of speeding things up, however. Delayed ejaculation (DE) is a diagnosable condition that is defined as an active 'thrusting' threshold of more than 20 to 25 minutes during penetrative sex. It is not particularly common — about 5 to 10 per cent of men are affected by the condition. The five most common causes identified in research are anxiety/distress (41 per cent), inadequate stimulation (23 per cent), low arousal (18 per cent), medical issues (9 per cent), and partner issues (8 per cent). DE can also be a side-effect of antidepressants, drinking too much or taking drugs such as valium. It can also happen as a result of pudendal neuropathy which is most frequently caused by a crush to the perineum from cycling, particularly when a bike has a narrow racing saddle. • Read more from Suzi Godson If this is the issue, your new partner needs to talk to a doctor, but he may need your support to do so. Men can be dreadful at seeking medical help at the best of times, but this is even more true when the issue relates to sexual function. Getting a diagnosis is important, however, because DE can be an early indication of underlying health conditions such as diabetes or neuropathy. The good news is that one of the easiest ways to help men with DE to climax sooner is to introduce vibratory stimulation. In one small study, 36 men who had difficulty achieving orgasm were taught to use a vibrator during sex. After three months, 62 per cent had climaxed during sex. Even if your partner doesn't meet the criteria for DE, introducing additional stimulation may help you to speed things your questions to weekendsex@
