The Confidence Paradox

Yahoo

11-07-2025

There are plenty of reasons to want to boost one's confidence. Confident people have better relationships and are more likely to get ahead at work and achieve more academically. They are even perceived as more attractive. It's no wonder that one of the top reasons people go to therapy is to become more confident.
But here's something that might surprise you. Confidence isn't a feeling. It's a practice.
Confident people prepare, they work hard, they still get nervous and suffer from imposter syndrome … but they've learned to take action anyway. The difference isn't that they feel more ready than everyone else. It's that they understand confidence comes from doing, not waiting to feel ready.
I was reminded of this during a session with Sabrina, a new patient whose boss had told her she should be more assertive and speak up in meetings. She came to therapy convinced that we needed to excavate her past in order to understand why she was so quiet. Was it her three older brothers who dominated dinner conversations? Her parents' divorce when she was 16? The soccer coach in high school who only cared about winning? The breakup with her boyfriend of two years was because he felt their long-distance relationship wasn't working?
The list went on and on…
Here's what I explained to Sabrina: There is no amount of talking or thinking about confidence that will actually build it. What builds confidence is doing things. We gain confidence when we try to do something and succeed at it.
Sure, it's easier to sit and talk about the causes of one's limitations than to take action to change them. All too often, this is what people do in therapy—focusing on the past and striving to understand the forces that shaped us. What this ignores is our ability to make our own choices and shape our present. Yes, believing in yourself and having others believe in you can help but it is only by putting yourself out there and taking action that you embolden and empower yourself.
Most people think they need to feel confident before taking action. But confident people have figured out that action comes first, confidence follows. For example, it is from giving speeches that I began to feel better about my ability to give a good speech.
Discussing one's problems and finger pointing rather than taking concrete steps to make a change can leave you in limbo. I think of it as the equivalent of sitting in an airport lounge waiting for the announcement that it's boarding time. In some ways, it's comfortable with the endless supply of bottled water and snacks but it's not time well spent. It's an 'as soon as' existence which is rarely a rewarding one.
I suggested to Sabrina that rather than talking about why she doesn't speak up, that she could just begin by speaking up in meetings. That's the key. Stop talking about doing it. Stop thinking about doing it. Just begin.
Think of confidence like a muscle. It strengthens through repetition, not through rest. Each time you speak up, try something new, or push through discomfort, you're doing psychological reps that reinforce a positive feedback loop: effort → action → evidence → growth.
The magic happens in the gap between 'I'm not ready' and 'I'm doing it anyway.'
Here's a simple yet effective exercise I use with clients to train their confidence muscle: Creating a Confidence Challenge—a short list of areas they want to grow in, paired with specific action steps.
Want to speak up more in meetings? Try being the first to suggest an idea this week. Want to get more confident in the kitchen? Pick a new recipe and make it tonight. Want to feel less anxious about public speaking? Practice giving a toast at dinner with friends.
The goal isn't perfection, it's momentum. Small wins create the psychological foundation for bigger ones.
Your body produces identical physiological responses to fear and excitement—it's the same racing heart, sweaty palms, and butterflies in your stomach.
The only difference is the story you tell yourself about what those sensations mean. Harvard researcher Alison Wood Brooks found that people who said 'I'm excited' before a performance consistently outperformed those who tried to calm down.
Your nervous system is already revved up so why not use that energy to your advantage.
As Adam Grant writes, 'Confidence doesn't always come from believing in yourself today. It often stems from recalling the obstacles you overcame yesterday.'
When imposter syndrome starts whispering that you're not qualified, flip the script. Remember the project you thought was impossible but pulled off? That speech you were terrified to give but nailed? The difficult conversation you navigated with grace?
You've been building evidence of your capabilities your entire life. Don't let self-doubt erase the data.
Stand up right now. Roll your shoulders back, lift your chin, and smile like you just accomplished something amazing. Notice how you already feel different?
Research shows that our physical posture doesn't just reflect our mental state—it actively shapes it. When we stand tall, we don't just look more confident; we actually feel more confident. It's like giving yourself a shot of liquid courage, minus the hangover.
"Just be yourself" might be the worst advice ever given to someone struggling with confidence. When imposter syndrome is loud, being yourself feels like the last thing you want to do.
Instead, try this: Think of someone who embodies the qualities you want to cultivate. How would they walk into this room? Speak in this meeting? Handle this challenge? Maybe it's a mentor, a friend, or even a fictional character—the key is to borrow their mindset until you develop your own.
It's not about being fake; it's about stretching beyond your current self-concept to become who you're capable of being.
If you want to sound and feel more confident, pay attention to the language you use. One simple shift can make a huge difference: stop saying 'I think' when you have a clear opinion.
Instead of saying 'I think we should eat here,' say 'I recommend we eat here.' Instead of 'I think this might work,' say 'Let's try this.'
Confident language doesn't just change how others hear you—it changes how you see yourself.
Confidence grows by doing, not thinking. Whether it's raising your hand, sharing your idea, or stepping outside your comfort zone, each small act builds the belief that you can handle more than you thought.
The leap comes first.
The confidence comes later.