How to keep the spark alive between bottles and blowouts

India Today

30-07-2025

Getting married is a major milestone in any relationship, but choosing to have a child takes that bond to an entirely new level. The real challenge, however, begins after the baby arrives. Sleepless nights, constant crying, hours of rocking the baby, and even the tiniest health scares can test your patience and your relationship.Suddenly, every small thing feels like an irritant, and the pressure can expose cracks even in the strongest of partnerships. Parenthood can be overwhelming, and for many couples, it's hard to survive the emotional and physical toll it takes.advertisementThere are moments when all you want is a guidebook to navigate it all, something to remind you that despite the chaos, despite the exhaustion, when you look at your partner, unkempt and drained, you still see the most beautiful human being in the room.Everything changes with a child, even love
Having a baby takes a serious toll on the mother's body, and the dad, after a long day at work, is usually the one rocking the baby and helping his partner recover, just wishing for a little rest. With both feeling tired and not quite themselves, intimacy naturally fades into the background for a while. No matter how much you miss being close, things just aren't the same for some time."When a child arrives, the dyad becomes a triad. The romantic relationship, which was once central, now makes room for a third individual (baby) who has a dependency," Ruchi Ruuh, a Delhi-based relationship counsellor, tells India Today.To this, Priyanka Kapoor, a Mumbai-based psychotherapist, psychologist, couple and family counsellor, adds, "With the arrival of the baby, roles change as partners become parents, and it may take time to manage and absorb this, which can lead to confusion and stress. This change also impacts intimacy, which can lead to deprivation, emotional distance, frustration, fatigue, and conflicts."Ruuh agrees that partners have less time and energy for each other as the attention is now diverted towards raising the baby. Sleepless nights and child-raising stress can lead to conflicts frequently. As partners get into new roles, they may feel unseen or unsupported. You start dealing with new vulnerabilities around the new member in the family.Should priorities shift?The experts share that the arrival of a new member surely changes the priorities, but it shouldn't entirely replace the couple's connection."Parenthood and partnership must coexist. Being a good parent doesn't require abandoning being a good partner," says Ruuh.She further explains, "In Indian households, there's often martyrdom in motherhood, where mothers disappear into the caregiving role. And fathers get busier providing and sometimes discount their presence at home. This imbalance can create resentment or emotional distance."
Don't put your relationship on pause | Photo: Pexels/Juan Mendez
Meanwhile, as per Kapoor, a couple should prioritise the child, as the first five years are the most important for the child's long-term emotional and physical well-being. However, balancing your relationship with your spouse is crucial too, and it is possible by putting in conscious efforts.Is romance still part of the story?Even with the child taking up all the attention and time, romance isn't secondary. "It's the glue that keeps the couple connected. After kids, it might look different, but it's still vital," says Ruuh.Kapoor also states that being romantic is very important to keep the spark and interest alive; otherwise, the relationship can become dry and boring, and one can lose interest eventually.To sneak in romance as new parents, create moments of micro-intimacy throughout the day. This could mean a check-in before bedtime, making a cup of tea for your partner, or just a long hug.Not just this, but use love languages like physical touch, affirming words, acts of service, even a simple 'you're doing great', which can be romantic during this phase.advertisementSpending five minutes before bed just talking, no baby talk, no chores, can also be helpful. Share one high and one low from your day. It keeps the emotional connection alive.When partners take up co-parenting, they should keep certain things in mind that can benefit the relationship:You're a team, not opponents. Speak about your partner with respect in front of the child.Always divide the task, don't delegate. Shared responsibilities are a sign of equity, not favour.Lots of couples start keeping score of what they do. This can lead to resentment and feelings of disappointment.Create rituals of connection. Weekly check-ins about parenting, talking about feelings that might be surfacing.Don't assume your partner should just know what your needs are. Convey them in a respectful manner.Repair quickly after conflict. Children pick up on tension. It models healthy conflict resolution.Surviving parenthood... togetherRuuh tells us that surviving parenthood together means being intentional partners, not just default parents. Your relationship will change, accepting that is key. With a little one in your family, life becomes more scheduled than spontaneous, and that's okay.She mentions that joining parenting groups can provide emotional support, practical tips, and a sense of community during a phase that often feels isolating. Connecting with others who are going through similar challenges can remind you that you're not alone.advertisementDon't hesitate to lean on family and close friends; they can help lighten the load, whether it's through babysitting, running errands, or just offering a listening ear.Self-care is just as important. Often, one partner, usually the primary caregiver, bears the brunt of physical and emotional exhaustion. But when one person is completely drained, the relationship suffers too.
Parenting starts with taking care of yourself| Photo: Pexels/Andrea Piacquadio
Taking time to rest, eat well, pursue hobbies, or simply have a moment of quiet is not selfish, it's necessary. A well-cared-for parent is better able to care for the child and nurture the relationship.Kapoor also shares that healthy parenthood can only be possible when the couple is in sync with each other and the partners are happy with each other.According to her, communication is key. Be open with your partner about what you're feeling and experiencing, don't expect them to just guess.advertisementIt's also important for both partners to share common values and stay aligned on important matters like health, parenting responsibilities, and finances, which can often become sources of stress.Additionally, don't ignore each other's emotional and physical needs. Instead, make a conscious effort to bridge the distance and stay connected. Small acts of care and understanding go a long way.Between the burp cloths and sleepless nights, here's what might be hurting your relationship without you realising it:Unequal emotional and physical labour is a major stressor in relationships, especially in Indian households, where women often end up as the default parent and caregiver. This imbalance can lead to burnout and feelings of being taken for granted.Over time, intimacy begins to fade when couples slip into the roles of only co-parents, rather than continuing to nurture their bond as lovers or friends. This emotional disconnect can significantly affect desire and closeness.Unspoken resentment also builds when one partner feels unsupported or unappreciated, especially when their efforts in the relationship go unnoticed.Each unresolved fight doesn't just end, it leaves behind a layer of emotional distance. When conflicts aren't dealt with properly, they pile up, creating a wall between partners. Learning to communicate openly and resolve disagreements with empathy can protect, and even strengthen, the relationship.- EndsTrending Reel