I'm terrified I've caught STI after learning girlfriend is a prostitute… I feel so humiliated

The Sun

16-05-2025

DEAR DEIDRE: THE woman I was seeing didn't tell me she was a prostitute and now I'm terrified I've caught an STI.
What's worse is that everyone else in my town knows what she does for a living. Now, I'm too embarrassed to go out. I can't even face going to the doctor.
I'm a 36-year-old guy. Last year, I moved to a small town for work. I started going to the pub and one night, I got chatted up by a gorgeous woman.
I couldn't believe my luck — or that she was interested in me. I'm nothing to write home about and have never had much luck with women.
We went back to my place and had fantastic sex.
She said she wanted to keep seeing me, which I was only too happy about. She was always vague about what she did for a living, but it didn't bother me.
We always had fun together, and she was easy to talk to.
I'll admit I was falling for her. What did bother me was the fact there were times she said she couldn't meet, usually at the last minute.
She would never allow me to come round to hers without agreeing it in advance and there were nights when she would ghost me.
I'd call and text but she'd be unavailable. Yesterday, at work, I was chatting to a colleague about my new girlfriend.
I showed him a photo of her on my phone. His face fell. 'Mate,' he said. 'I'm sorry, but you need to know that your girlfriend is a prostitute.'
He told me half the town had slept with her. I'm gutted. She never asked me for payment, but still I feel I was little more than a distraction.
Dear Deidre on relationships, jealousy and envy
I'm angry she lied to me and, obviously, I can't see her any more. Stupidly, I never used a condom when we had sex.
I dread to think what I might have caught. I feel dirty, but I don't have any symptoms. I know I need to get checked out, but I feel so humiliated.
DEIDRE SAYS: You've had a big shock. Perhaps your girlfriend lied because she wanted a normal relationship with someone who wouldn't judge her.
It might give you both closure if you could have an honest conversation about this – give her a chance to explain her perspective. She may have genuinely liked you.
But you were both taking a big risk by forgoing protection. It's crucial that you swallow your pride and go to a doctor for tests.
You can visit a hospital sexual health clinic without a referral. If you've caught anything, you can get treatment.
Please be aware early detection always has the best outcomes.
And if you're in the clear, it will set your mind at rest.
My support pack, Sexual Health Worries, has more information.
THANK YOU FOR... HELPING ME DITCH DEADBEAT BLOKE
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER three years with no sex, I was thinking of leaving my partner. I felt so unattractive and unwanted.
He claimed he had no sex drive, but then I found out he had been talking to other women online, and I suspected he might have met them too.
We had been together for eight years. I'm 34 and he's 36.
He denied doing anything wrong and said he loved me. I didn't want to lose him but felt I couldn't trust him.
When he announced he was going on holiday with his mates, not me, it was the final straw. I wrote for advice.
You told me it sounded like he'd checked out of our relationship as he wasn't interested in sex, was lying about his interactions with women and had planned a holiday without me.
You suggested he was gaslighting me so I wouldn't leave. And you suggested I read your support pack, Addictive Love, to help me understand why I still felt so attached to him.
After thinking deeply about it, I realised you were right.
I told my partner I wanted more, but he just made empty promises.
I have now ended our relationship. It wasn't what I wanted but I know it's for the best. Thanks so much for helping me to see the truth about him.
TEENAGE TROUBLES
Our sex life is great, so I don't understand why he has to do this. We're both 19 and have been together for a year.
I'm not naive – I know guys watch porn. But he says he loves sex with me, so why does he still want to see other women's bodies?
I told him how I felt and he explained it had nothing to do with our sex life. He just enjoys watching it sometimes.
DEIDRE SAYS: Many guys do watch porn and it doesn't mean they don't love or desire their partners.
But you are entitled to feel upset. Perhaps it's shocked you because you thought you knew everything about him, or because it's made you feel insecure.
My support pack, Upset By Porn may help you.
NEW LESBIAN LOVE KEEPS GIVING MIXED SIGNALS
DEAR DEIDRE: I AM in my first same-sex relationship after a lifetime of only dating men.
But the woman I'm seeing is blowing hot and cold on me and I'm not sure if she is leading me on.
I'm female, 39 and divorced. In the past, I only ever had boyfriends, but recently I have started noticing that I'm attracted to women too.
Part of me wondered if it was just a mid-life crisis, but I knew it was something I wanted to explore.
So I went on a lesbian dating site and started talking to several women on there.
I met one of them and had sex with her. It was a really enjoyable experience.
Then I met someone else who I really hit it off with. We've been talking and texting loads, and have been out on a few dates.
She said she wanted to take things slowly, so we've only kissed.
But I've noticed that sometimes she is distant with me. She doesn't reply to ­messages, or takes days to do so. And she has also cancelled a few dates at the last minute.
When I asked what was going on, she said she needed time and I should maybe find someone else.
But then, when I start to give up and stop messaging her, she comes back to me as if nothing has happened and seems really keen again.
I'm not sure what's going on. Should I end our fledgling relationship?
DEIDRE SAYS: It's hard to say why she is being like this.
It's possible she is seeing other women (or men), or that she has questions about her own sexuality.
Or she may even feel you are too keen to get serious, given your lack of experience. Perhaps she doesn't want to be used or hurt.
You need to talk to her honestly and tell her how you feel. Ask her to be truthful with you so you know where you stand.
If things don't improve, walk away.
ANXIOUS AT WIFE'S SEXUAL PAST
DEAR DEIDRE: WHENEVER I think about my wife's sexual past, I feel jealous and insecure.
She has had far more lovers than me. Sometimes it bothers me, and I wonder if I'm enough for her.
We're both in our early 40s and have been married for 11 years, with a young son.
Before we met, she thought nothing of having one-night stands, and also had a couple of friends with benefits.
I'm no prude and would never judge her for it, but I was never sexually confident or adventurous.
I only had three lovers before her, and they were all long-term relationships.
Our sex life is good and we're very happy. I have no reason to believe she feels she's missing out.
But every so often – like when she meets up with old friends who knew her back then – I'm reminded of her past and feel anxious.
If I mention it to her, she tells me not to be so silly. I wish it didn't bother me.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your wife can't change her past. You married her knowing all about it, and she chose you, not any previous lover.
What's more, you've been happily married for 11 years. Your relationship is good.
You know all this. But jealousy and insecurity aren't always rational.
Your feelings may stem from your childhood experiences, where you were made to feel not good enough.
And maybe, on some level, you do judge her past, perhaps because of the way you were brought up.
My support pack, Dealing With Jealousy, should help.
If this continues to bother you, think about having counselling.