My soulmate is already married and still hasn't left her husband – is she stringing me along?
THE woman I'm dating is my soulmate and perfect in every way – apart from the fact she is married to someone else.
We lie in bed after sex talking about all our future plans, but I am starting to think she is stringing me along.
Advertisement
I'm 34 and single. She's 38 and has been married for ten years.
We met at the local gym five years ago. The moment we started talking, I fell for her. She made me feel like I'd known her for ever.
She is beautiful, funny and kind, and she has become my best friend.
We started off training together in the gym, progressed to meeting for coffee, then, a few months later, ended up in bed in my flat.
From the start, she told me how unhappy her marriage was, She said she was no longer intimate with her husband.
Advertisement
When we have sex, she always says it is everything it has never been with him — tender, passionate and exciting. Afterwards, she lies in my arms, enjoying pillow talk about all the places we'll go together, even what our future children will look like.
Until recently, I was convinced she would leave her husband. But it still hasn't happened.
When I ask her why, she says she doesn't want to hurt him. Now I'm really struggling. I've invested everything in us and I can't imagine my life without her.
I don't want to lose my best friend, but I also don't want to live in this limbo for ever.
I've tried to end our affair a few times. She gets upset and I end up falling back into bed with her.
Advertisement
Dear Deidre: Spotting the signs your partner is cheating
DEIDRE SAYS:
I have no doubt she cares for you. But, ultimately, we have to judge people not just by what they say, but also by their actions.
Clearly, something is tying her to her husband – whether it's fear or comfort. And you need to ask yourself if she's being completely honest with you.
Perhaps it's time to give her an ultimatum. Set a time limit – either she leaves him, or you'll break up with her.
But beware of empty words. They will only undermine your relationship. Keep your eyes open to any efforts to manipulate your emotions again.
My support pack, Your Lover Not Free, has useful information about being in this sort of affair.
Advertisement
You only have one life and deserve to be with someone who is 100 per cent committed to you.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to
You can also send a private message on the
I LONG TO BE AN UNCLE BUT SISTER WON'T HAVE KIDS
DEAR DEIDRE: MY sister's decision not to have children has deeply upset me because I fear I'll die a lonely old man.
I'm single and gay, and highly unlikely ever to have kids of my own. Now I'll never even become an uncle.
I'm in my mid 40s and my sister is 39, and recently married. She has told me she and her husband have chosen not to have children.
We're a small family, and there's nobody else to create a new generation.
Advertisement
When our parents die, it will just be the two of us left. There will be no one to spend Christmases with, and nobody to help look after me when I'm old.
I love kids and feel so sad that there won't be any in my life. It's made everything feel
pointless
and empty.
While I know it's her decision to make, it really hurts.
DEIDRE SAYS:
The way you're feeling is a type of grief, for the loss of the future you'd imagined as an uncle. It's known as disenfranchised grief.
Don't give up on having children of your own. You may meet someone, and gay men are now able to adopt or have children through IVF.
Advertisement
Even if that doesn't happen, it might be possible for you to foster.
My support pack, Feeling Lonely, should help you to find ways to overcome this.
It would also be a good idea for you to talk to a counsellor about your feelings.
DRIVING HER AWAY WITH MY TRAUMA
DEAR DEIDRE: I BELIEVED I had overcome my childhood trauma, but it's come back to haunt me.
My brother was murdered and I feel like I'm losing my daughter, just like I lost him. I know it's all my fault because of the way I'm treating her, yet I can't help myself.
I'm a woman of 45 and when I was 12, my younger brother, then just ten, was killed by a local man.
I've always been overprotective of my daughter because of what happened to my brother.
She is now 22 and lives with her boyfriend. When I saw bruises on her arm I immediately assumed he had been physically abusive.
She said I was jumping to ridiculous conclusions. She told me that I suffocated her and she'd had enough.
Now she hasn't spoken to me for two months. I miss her so much and I need drugs to sleep. Please help.
DEIDRE SAYS:
None of this is your fault. You love your daughter and it's natural you want to protect her from potential harm, especially after what happened.
Childhood trauma has a tendency to resurface, especially at times of stress.
It isn't too late to seek help for what you went through. Contact SAMM (samm.org.uk) which provides peer support to people bereaved by murder and manslaughter.
Ask your daughter if you can talk calmly, and explain. Hopefully she'll be understanding.
SHOULD I REVEAL FAMILY SECRET?
DEAR DEIDRE: HOW do I tell my children that their eldest sister is actually only their half-sister?
They deserve to know the truth, but I'm worried it will affect the closeness of their relationship.
Advertisement
I'm in my late 40s and have four children, two boys and two girls, ranging between 17 and 26.
When I was a young student, I accidentally got pregnant. I chose to have the baby – a girl.
But her dad wanted nothing to do with her, and we soon split. I haven't heard from him since.
When I married my now husband, a few years later, he agreed to adopt my daughter and bring her up as his own. We then went on to have three children together.
Our daughter knows the circumstances of her birth, but the other children don't. They don't seem to have questioned that, while they all have their dad's dark
hair
, eyes, and height, their eldest sister is petite and fair.
Advertisement
I feel they're all old enough to know the truth now but I'm worried it might change our family dynamic.
DEIDRE SAYS:
Keeping family secrets is generally not a good idea, as they have a habit of coming out – potentially causing great upset.
Your children clearly love each other, so finding out their sibling is only a half-sister is unlikely to stop them getting on, or make them treat her differently.
However, the
news
may come as a shock, and they might feel angry that they weren't told earlier – particularly with you.
You need to prepare yourself for this possibility. Think about how you'll explain why this was kept from them, and reassure them.
Advertisement
Ultimately though, this should be your eldest daughter's decision, as she is the one directly affected. Discuss it with her first.
For more advice, contact Family Lives (
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
The Irish Sun
03-08-2025
- The Irish Sun
My lover wants to be with me but she's terrified of how her domineering and abusive husband will react
DEAR DEIDRE: EVEN though my married lover wants to be with me full time, she is terrified about how her husband will react if she leaves him. He is a violent bully. Her husband is domineering and abusive. He treats her and her eight-year-old son like dirt. He controls everything. She has given up seeing her friends, he constantly checks her phone and she has lost contact with all of her family. I am 33, she is 31 and I can't tell you how upset I get when she tells me about how he shouts, shoves and lashes out at her. She works for my sister's catering business and from the moment I was introduced to her I liked her. We'd always spend our lunchtime together and I would feel so excited about seeing her. Recently I bought her a small gift when I went on holiday. I was taken aback when she dissolved into tears explaining it was the loveliest thing a man had done for her. We ended up kissing and she started coming around to my house whenever she could. She can't ever stay for long enough but we have the most wonderful sex. My sister warned me to stay away because her husband has a bad reputation, she said he was capable of anything, but I refused to listen, and the affair has continued. I am desperate for my lover to leave this awful man. While she wants to be with me too, she is so frightened that he will become physically violent towards her. Dear Deidre After Dark- Understanding open relationships I worry I am being weak because I haven't stood up to him, even though I know that her safety has to come first DEIDRE SAYS: Stay away from him. Getting involved will only create more problems and place your lover in danger. She needs to make leaving him a priority for herself and her son, but it has to come from her. It's so damaging for her son to see his mum being treated so badly. Stress this to her and suggest she talks to the National Domestic Abuse Helpline ( 0800 2000 247). While you can be there to support her, she has a better chance of leaving safely if she doesn't rush straight into a relationship with you. Even a marriage she is desperate to be out of is a loss and she'll need to adjust before she can begin to contemplate a future with you. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to deardeidre@ You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. PARTNER PREFERS HIMSELF DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend has admitted he pleasures himself three or four times a week, and now I feel he doesn't fancy me as we rarely have sex. He blames his low sex drive on being stressed but he has always been like this. I'm 35 and he's 36. We've been together for eight months. Everything else in our relationship is great. We only see each other on weekends, which could be part of the problem. We're both so busy with our jobs, fitness and friends. For example, I go to the gym twice a week and go out with my girlfriends regularly. My boyfriend insists his low sex drive is because of his new job. It's very stressful but he's no different to how he was when I first met him. Now I realise he masturbates so much, I'm convinced he doesn't fancy me, rather than there being a problem with his sex drive. DEIDRE SAYS: There's not much wrong with his sex drive. It sounds like he has got into the habit of finding sexual satisfaction alone, which is lazy and selfish. He needs to face up to what is happening rather than using stress as an excuse. Tell him how damaging his behaviour is to your relationship. Suggest setting aside an evening together each week for chat, kisses and cuddles with no pressure to have full sex, even though that could be the likely result. My support pack Different Sex Drives will help. I GHOSTED HER AFTER PERIOD SEX DEAR DEIDRE: A FRIEND pointed out that I had blood on my hands and face when I returned home after spending the night with an amazing girl. I'm mortified. I also had it down below too. I am a 20-year-old guy, and she is 19. We really fancied each other and after dancing together for hours headed back to her flat where, after a lot of kissing, we ended up having amazing sex. The lights were really dim so I didn't notice anything and after sex I stayed the night but left first thing without waking her up as I had work. As soon as I got home my friend told me about the blood. I am so embarrassed. I know a period is such a natural thing but I am way too embarrassed to contact her. I have heard nothing from her either. DEIDRE SAYS: She may be just as embarrassed as you or upset that you left without a word. Why not send her a message? Say you had an amazing time with her and that you would like to see her again. As you say, periods are completely natural and if you act in a mature way, she's more likely to feel at ease. Some people find period sex uncomfortable because it's messy, but you don't have to go into details about that night. It will be easier to say something in passing when you are together face-to-face. DREAM TO WED BUT BOYFRIEND'S SO CRUEL TO ME DEAR DEIDRE: ALL I want is to get married and have a family. I constantly fantasise about my boyfriend proposing but deep down I know he won't – ever. Years ago, I was told that I would have difficulty getting pregnant. I am 32 and my boyfriend is 36. We've been together for almost three years. He says he doesn't want to marry or have children. Recently, he has twice tried to break up with me. I'm sure it's because I have gained weight – something I am not proud of – but I am dieting and have started running and going to the gym. He knows I am making an effort but he also says that I don't keep the house as tidy as he'd like. I work full-time and often do overtime so there isn't a lot of time for housework. Most days I only have enough energy to come home, eat and get a decent night's sleep. I feel as though I walk on eggshells around him and it is beginning to get me down. A few weeks ago, I met a man at work who is so kind and makes me feel lovely. I know it is early days, and we are still getting to know each other, but ultimately I am going to have to choose. Which way should I go? DEIDRE SAYS: After three years together, it is only natural you are thinking about the future, but marriage and children are not the main issue here. To be blunt, he is being cruel. These are not the actions of a loving and respectful partner. There are serious issues that need to be discussed honestly if you're going to build a future. Let him know how his behaviour leaves you feeling, but don't stay in a relationship where you're permanently on edge. Do decide what you really want before involving yourself with another man.
The Irish Sun
31-07-2025
- The Irish Sun
Innocent school run turned into intense affair with my child's teacher – and I don't know how to escape it
DEAR DEIDRE: AN innocent school run turned into the most intense affair of my life, and now I don't know how to escape it. I never imagined I'd fall for my child's teacher, but here I am, living a double life. Advertisement I'm 38 and married with three children. My husband is 42 and we've been together for 15 years. Things between us have been strained for a long time. We barely talk, let alone touch and I felt like I was fading into the background of my own life. Then I met my youngest child's new teacher. He's 41, married with two kids of his own. It started with friendly chats at pick-up time, then emails about homework. One day he asked if I wanted to grab a coffee. I knew it was crossing a line, but I said yes. Advertisement We began meeting in secret. Coffee turned into lunch, and eventually lunch turned into hotel rooms. We've been seeing each other for nearly five months now. It's passionate and thrilling, and I've fallen head over heels. He says he's never felt this way before, and I believe him. We've talked about a future together, but when it comes to leaving our families, neither of us has made a move. Advertisement I can't stop thinking about the fallout — our kids, our spouses, the school. But I also can't keep living a lie. I dread going home to a man who doesn't see me any more. Do I end it and protect my family, or risk everything for a shot at real happiness? READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE DEIDRE SAYS: Understandably, you are torn. It sounds like you've been emotionally neglected for a long time. Clearly, the attention from this man has reawakened something you'd lost. But acting on that pain hasn't given you clarity, only more confusion. Advertisement Before making any life-changing decisions, pause and reflect. Is it truly him you want, or the sense of being desired, seen and alive again? If your marriage is deeply unfulfilling, that deserves attention in its own right, not as a comparison to someone else. Think carefully about the long-term fallout, not just for you but for your children and his. Even if this affair feels like love, it's unfolding in secrecy. Advertisement My support pack, Torn Between Two Men, will help you think through your next steps . You may also find it useful to contact Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to You can also send a private message on the I SPURN DAYS OUT BECAUSE MY WEIGHT IS SO SHAMEFUL DEAR DEIDRE : FOR as long as I can remember, I have battled with my weight and now I'm terrified it might cost me everything. I'm 39 and a single mum of three. My weight has yo-yoed since my teens. Advertisement I have tried every diet, joined countless gyms and even considered surgery. When I start off, I have the best intentions, then something derails me – stress at work, looking after the kids, sheer exhaustion. Lately, I've been getting out of breath just walking upstairs. I avoid days out with the family because I feel embarrassed. The other day my youngest came home from school and said another child had called me 'the big mum'. I laughed it off, but inside I wanted to cry. Advertisement I feel overwhelmed yet I need to change. How do I break this cycle for good? DEIDRE SAYS: You're not alone. So many people struggle with their weight, and it's clear you've been trying hard for a long time. It's not just about willpower – emotional factors, stress and daily pressures all play a role. Please don't let shame stop you from getting the support you deserve. Making small, manageable changes over time is more sustainable than drastic diets. Advertisement Speak to your GP, who might refer you to a nutritionist or a weight-management programme. My support pack, Weight Worries, offers practical advice and guidance to help you take back control. I'M LOSING HER TO INSTAGRAM DEAR DEIDRE: NO matter where we are or what we're doing, my wife is constantly glued to her phone, and it's starting to ruin our marriage. I feel like I'm competing with Instagram for her attention – and losing. I'm 43, and she's 40. We've been married for 13 years and have two children aged ten and seven. She used to be warm, funny and really present. Now I barely recognise her. From the moment she wakes up, her phone is in her hand. She scrolls while brushing her teeth, while the kids eat breakfast, and during family outings – and is taking endless pictures, editing and uploading. Mealtimes are silent unless she's showing us memes or checking comments. In bed, she turns away from me to look at her screen. We haven't been intimate in nearly six months. I try to talk to her about it, but she laughs it off and says I'm overreacting. The kids have started copying her and are now glued to screens too. It breaks my heart. I feel like our real life is slipping away while she chases online validation. I wonder whether there's still space for me in this marriage or if I've already been replaced by likes and followers. DEIDRE SAYS: Her behaviour is driving a wedge between you and it sounds like your wife's digital life is drowning out your real one. Constant phone use can become a habit, often without the person realising the damage it's doing. Choose a calm moment to explain how her behaviour is affecting you and the kids. Avoid blame, and focus on how disconnected you're feeling. Suggest setting tech-free times, like at meals or in bed, to help you reconnect. Read my Relationship MOT support pack and consider couples counselling through NOW I'M TRANS I HAVE NO FRIENDS DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER spending years transitioning to become the man I was meant to be, I never imagined I'd feel so alone. I'm a 27-year-old trans man, and I've never been in a relationship. Advertisement I go to work, come home, scroll on my phone and repeat. Weekends are the worst – long, empty hours where no one checks in. Dating feels like a cruel joke. I've tried apps, but the moment I mention I'm trans, I'm ghosted. Or fetishised. I want more than sex. I want someone to laugh with, to cuddle up on the sofa with, and to share life with. Advertisement I don't know how to meet people who'll see me for who I really am. I feel so alone. DEIDRE SAYS: You've shown real courage in becoming your authentic self. Try not to let loneliness make you doubt your worth. It's heartbreaking that others have made you feel invisible, but please know you are not alone. Many trans people face similar struggles, especially around dating and friendships. Start by seeking out inclusive spaces – LGBTQ+ social groups, meet-ups or online communities such as The Beaumont Society ( Advertisement My support pack Feeling Lonely? can also help you rebuild confidence and expand your circle.
The Irish Sun
25-07-2025
- The Irish Sun
Threesomes with my partner are on her terms as she refuses to let another woman join us… what should I do?
DEAR DEIDRE: MY partner is happy to have threesomes with other men, but she refuses to let another woman join us for sex. It doesn't feel fair and it's making me very insecure. What should I do? We've been together for five years and are both in our early 30s. Our sex life fell into a rut last year. She was never in the mood and said it was because it had become boring. So we discussed ways of spicing things up. My partner suggested having threesomes, which I agreed to try. I found talking about it a turn-on but, if I'm honest, I wasn't overly keen on bringing other people into bed with us. I mainly said I'd go along with it because I didn't want to risk losing her. She told me there was nothing to worry about and that she would organise it. My girlfriend said she knew a couple of guys who'd be up for threesomes and invited them round on different nights. I genuinely did enjoy the experience the first few times. Seeing her in ecstasy with another man was exciting, although I didn't want him to touch me as I'm not bisexual. And after the other guy left, my partner and I had great sex. Dear Deidre on relationships, jealousy and envy But when I asked if we could start to invite women, too, she said, 'No way!'. She actually got annoyed that I'd asked. How is that fair? I've now started to worry she's using the threesomes as a way of having sex with other men with my permission, rather than as part of our relationship. Sometimes, she gets so into it with the other guy that I might as well not be there. I've realised I'm not happy about this situation any more but when I try to talk to her about it, she just says that I agreed, so it's too late to change my mind. What should I do? DEIDRE SAYS: You may have agreed but that was before you understood what these threesomes would actually be like. Regardless, when it comes to sex, you're entitled to change your mind or withdraw consent at any time. You're unhappy, insecure and questioning her motives, but your partner won't even discuss your request to invite another woman into your bedroom. This is all on her terms. I know you're scared to lose her but it's not healthy to go along with something you don't enjoy out of fear. My support pack, Thinking Of A Threesome, explains the pitfalls of this type of arrangement. Talk to her again. If she loves you, she'll understand, put a stop to the threesomes and try to find other ways to improve your sex life. There are ideas in my support pack, 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to You can also send a private message on the THANK YOU FOR... HELP BEING FIRM ON FELLA'S ILL HEALTH DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my boyfriend refused to take his health issues seriously, I became tormented by memories of my late husband doing the same thing – and dying of a treatable cancer. My relationship with my new man was getting serious but I couldn't handle him neglecting his wellbeing. He is 43, I'm 45, and we had been together for a year when I wrote to you. Despite niggling symptoms, pain and tummy troubles, my partner refused to see his GP – so I blocked contact with him. He said it was ridiculous but I couldn't bear the thought of losing him, too. You didn't think I was overreacting, though. You understood why his behaviour was so triggering and told me that men are often loath to seek medical help. You advised me to read your support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, talk to him again and ask him gently but firmly to see his doctor. You also suggested I get counselling for my anxiety. Nothing changed and, after a lot of thought, I decided to end our relationship and friend-zone him. It wasn't just his health problems, but also his refusal to see how it was affecting us. Thank you for your advice. It helped me find clarity in a difficult situation. DEIDRE SAYS: I am pleased I helped you make the right decision for you. Hopefully, as a friend, and from an emotional distance, you can persuade your ex to see a doctor. TEENAGE TROUBLES DEAR DEIDRE: WHENEVER I bring myself to an orgasm, I can't stop crying. I'm a 19-year-old girl and I often pleasure myself in bed or in the shower. I really enjoy it and it feels amazing. But every time I reach climax, I find myself unable to stop sobbing. Once, my sister overheard me crying and knocked on my bedroom door to ask if I was OK. I don't understand why I burst into tears as I don't feel sad. Am I normal? DEIDRE SAYS: Try not to worry. You're perfectly normal and healthy. Orgasm is a physical release – and so is crying. Masturbation can be intense and overwhelming, especially when it's a new experience. It's likely that over time this will settle down. But if it doesn't, that's fine too. My support pack, Worried About Masturbation?, should help reassure you. SHE'S CUT ME OUT OF MY GRANDCHILDREN'S LIVES DEAR DEIDRE: IT'S my grandson's eighth birthday next week but I don't know if I should send him a present. My daughter won't let me see either of my grandchildren and I'm heartbroken. She's trying to poison them against me and cut me out of their lives. I'm a widow of 67 and my two grandchildren are precious to me. But my daughter, 40, has decided she doesn't want me around her son and daughter. She has a childless, older colleague and says she is more of a grandma to her children than I have ever been. They even call her 'Nanna'. I can't imagine how confusing this must be. I retired recently, but while I was working full-time – as well as caring for my late husband – it meant I wasn't around to help with the grandchildren much. Even so, I tried to see them when I could and I've always sent them gifts and cards. Now I have much more time to spare and I want to spend time with them. I've offered to pick them up from school, take them to museums and the cinema, and look after them overnight. But my daughter says it's too late, they don't need me, and she doesn't want me in their lives. I desperately want to send my grandson a birthday present but I'm worried how my daughter will react. DEIDRE SAYS: Losing contact with the grandchildren must be so tough on you. It's not fair on you or the kids for your daughter to keep you apart. Perhaps there's something deeper going on here, which she hasn't told you about. Try appealing to her again. Consider writing a letter, so you can get all your thoughts down without rowing. Ask her to give you another chance for the children's sake. Do send the gift. Even if she doesn't pass it on right now, you'll have done the right thing. In the meantime, you could contact NO MONEY FOR MY KIDS DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my father died, he left money in his will for all of his grandchildren – except for my kids. My sister was his favourite, and her children got tens of thousands each. I'm so upset about this, and don't know what to say to them. I'm a 58-year-old man and have two children, aged 32 and 29. My father was 89 when he died last year. He was fairly wealthy, so I assumed my children would each inherit a large sum. They both have young families and student debts, and could really do with financial help, which I can't provide. But when the will was read, I was horrified to discover he'd left my kids nothing at all. My dad and I had a difficult relationship, but reconciled towards the end and I didn't think he'd take it out on the next generation. Their cousins each have £25,000. My kids say they don't care but I know they're hurt – and I am fuming at the injustice. What should I do? DEIDRE SAYS: When wills are unfair, it can cause so much damage to family relationships. You're angry with your dad but you obviously can't tell him. You're also hurt about the way he treated you and your children too, but there's nowhere for this emotion to go. This is a type of grief known as disenfranchised grief. It would help to talk to someone about your feelings. See my support pack, Coping With Bereavement, for information on where to get help. Try not to make your children share your anger, or feel jealous of their cousins, so the cycle of resentment ends with you.
