Asking Eric: Friend wants to end friendship without conflict
She has driven people away, including her spouse, but maybe subconsciously I thought with me it was different. She has lived far away for most of the time I've known her, and our relationship is mainly by phone.
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Yahoo
3 hours ago
- Yahoo
Head of top Welsh independent school steps down after more than 30 years
The headteacher of one of Wales' best known and oldest independent schools has retired after 33 years. Sally Davis said she shed tears as she left Howell's School in Llandaff where she has spent half her life. Over more than three decades at the school Sally, 66, saw Howell's transform from an all-girls boarding school to a day school admitting boys. During her career Sally, who grew up in Newport, navigated huge social changes from social media to the effects of the pandemic and smartphones on teaching and the lives of her pupils and staff. You can read more about results at Wales' independent schools here READ MORE: Welsh exam board gave 1,500 students the wrong GCSE grades READ MORE: Schools don't do enough to tell pupils about an alternative form of education The former geography teacher came to Howell's aged 33 after 10 years teaching in tough inner city comprehensive schools in London where she was also deputy head of a state technology college. Never miss a Cardiff story by signing up to our daily newsletter here. Arriving at the fee charging school as deputy head Sally only ever intended to stay for a few years but said "Howell's gets into your bones - it's like a family". She has been headteacher of the now 600-pupil school for 17 years. Sally, whose father was a butcher, attended Bassaleg Comprehensive before heading to Bedford College, London University, telling her parents: "I won't be back from the bright lights of London." But as time went on she said "hireath" called her home to Wales and she applied for the job at Howell's with no experience of fee-paying independent schools. "It was a culture shock arriving at Howell's. It was fabulous but very different and new. "I arrived and it was just a joy to teach because in London it had been all about behaviour control. "I thought I would stay two years or so at Howell's but it gets into your bones - the buildings and people are fantastic." When Sally arrived at the 165-year-old school in Llandaff it had around 700 pupils, all girls, 15 of whom were boarders. Since then it has become a day school only, began admitting boys into the sixth form 20 years ago and opened a nursery, reception and year one class. Other social changes meant after school provision was also introduced and sixth formers no longer have to wear uniforms. Many of the Howell's parent are key workers and during the pandemic the school remained open as well as running online remote lessons. Sally came in every day during Covid and said, despite the dark times of the pandemic, the school community pulled together. The need to rapidly go online transformed teaching for the better in some ways meaning that remote learning can still be accessed if people cannot come in owing to illness or bad weather. Equally, social media and smartphones had pros and cons, she says. Smartphones are banned up to sixth form with pupils told to store them in specially locked pouches during the day. But access to the internet has also helped teaching and learning, she said. During her last year in charge at Howell's Sally, who is married with children and grandchildren, had to deal with the impact of VAT charges on school fees. She said Howell's is lucky that as part of the Girls' Day School Trust (GDST) – a group of 26 schools – it benefits from the scale, resources, and efficiencies of a larger network. That meant Howell's managed to mitigate the full financial impact of the tax change. It increased fees, inclusive of VAT, by 12% in January this year, while absorbing the remaining 8% the government charges. The effects of VAT on private schools. From September fees will rise by 2.95% but Sally points out it took other measures to cushion costs for families such as providing free pre and after school care. The school also funds various bursaries and scholarships which she is proud of. Howell's was established in 1860 at the bequest of Thomas Howell, a Welsh merchant trading in Bristol, London and Seville, who willed 12,000 gold ducats to the Drapers' Company to provide dowries "every yere for Maydens for ever" and those funds are still used towards bursaries and scholarships . After her own education and working the first 10 years of her career in the state sector, Sally is aware that some people feel fee paying education is divisive, but she believes independent schools do have an important place in society and education. And after so long at the school she is sorry to go but wanted to leave while she still loved it. "I have always found teaching exciting. Technology advances during my time as a teacher has had benefits. "During my time at Howell's I always wanted to go in and was never bored. "It was a tough decision to retire. I have been half my life here. I was 66 in July. "But the time to leave is when you are still enjoying the party. "It is an emotional thing to leave a school. It sounds corny but Howell's is like a family. "Teachers change lives and it is a privilege to teach. "I did shed a tear when i left, there is no doubt about it." Sally will be back briefly on exam results days later this month. After that she is looking forward to spending more time with her husband Julian, who works at St David's College in Cardiff, their two adopted grown up children and their grandchildren. Laura Beynon will succeed Sally when term starts in is currently senior deputy head of Redmaids' High School, an independent school for girls in Bristol. She is also a geographer and studied geography at Durham University and a PGCE at Cambridge.
Yahoo
9 hours ago
- Yahoo
Dear Abby: I moved across the country to be closer to my family — but they still ignore me
DEAR ABBY: I made a terrible mistake moving 2,000 miles across the country to be closer to my grandchildren. In the past, I have always noticed my son and daughter-in-law treated the other grandparents better. They roll out the red carpet for my daughter-in-law's parents. They arrange outings with them, take photos and post the special grandchild-grandparent moments on Facebook. No one takes photos of me doing the same things with the grandchildren. It is also hard to do things with them because my daughter-in-law is always rushing them to do something else. It's like she wants her parents to be the only ones who have a special relationship with the grandkids. I feel sick to my stomach every day. In the past, I couldn't take off work to travel for visits like the other grandparents, so I missed out on a lot. I thought by moving here I would stop feeling like an outsider with my grandchildren. I am single and still working, and although this was a major disruption to my life, it was a sacrifice I thought was worth making for the joy of being a more involved grandparent. But not much has changed. What do you think? — OUTSIDER IN TENNESSEE DEAR OUTSIDER: That queasy feeling you describe may be anxiety. This is something you should discuss with your son. Before I render any judgments, it would have been helpful to know if you discussed your 'possible' move to Tennessee with him and his wife to see how they felt about it. Or did you simply announce you were coming? If they welcomed the idea but haven't included you, shame on them. Family counseling might help smooth things out if they are willing. If they aren't, and you aren't able to forge the kind of relationship you want with your grandchildren, consider making another move — somewhere where you are wanted and not so isolated. DEAR ABBY: Sometimes, when I offer sympathy to someone about a difficult situation they are experiencing by saying, 'I'm sorry,' that person will respond by saying, 'It's not your fault,' or 'No need to apologize.' It happened again today. The definition of 'sorry' is 'an expression of sorrow or regret.' It's not necessarily an apology. When people respond this way, I find it awkward, embarrassing and even belittling. Please ask your readers to take the expression as it is intended. It's usually obvious whether the person speaking is apologizing or expressing sympathy for your situation. — APOLOGIZING IN THE WEST DEAR APOLOGIZING: People, in general, have their personal pet peeves. Although this response is yours, I doubt many people will stop doing it because of one letter in my column. The next time it happens, tell the person you weren't apologizing, simply expressing sympathy. If you say it with a smile, the person is less likely to be offended. Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069. Solve the daily Crossword
Yahoo
10 hours ago
- Yahoo
Straight Women Share The Exhausting Reason They Are Stepping Away From Dating Men
Ava, 27, seemed unbothered by her partner's inability to communicate his emotions. 'We have enough to think about,' she told me as she slid her laptop out of her tote bag, still dressed in her tweed blazer from work. It wasn't serious, anyway. She'd been dating Max for a few months when it struck her — mid-conversation with a friend — that she had no idea what he felt about her or their future. So she stopped asking. There was a time, she said, when she would've tried harder. Sara, 21, recalled sitting on her bed while her boyfriend begged her to hear him out. He wasn't remorseful for cheating, he just no longer wanted to sit with his shame. 'I was done,' she said. And yet, he expected her to comfort him. 'I had to help him find the words for his feelings, not his actions,' — long silences, teasing through shame and self-hatred. 'He didn't know what he wanted to say,' she said. 'And then I made him feel OK about it'. These stories reflect a shift among young women in which more and more of them are 'quiet-quitting' these relationships. Women are now 23% less likely to want to date than men, not because they don't care, but because they feel they've invested too much emotional labor without support in return. Mind The (Emotional Intelligence) Gap In intimate relationships, young women are taking on a disproportionate load of invisible emotional labor, often supporting men through intense feelings of failure and isolation from friends. Many men described feeling 'weird or like a waste of time' when opening up to male friends, instead reserving vulnerability for their relationships with women. While men consider this unburdening to women a 'natural part' of their relationships, those same women describe it as work— what researchers at Stanford University call 'mankeeping.' Over the past two years, I've interviewed dozens of young men and women about their relationships. What's emerged is a sense that women are absorbing the emotional fallout of a crisis they didn't create. The anxieties surrounding what it means to be a man in 2025 should matter to everyone. They're reshaping not just our politics, but the very fabric of how women and men interact — shaping how we love, how we vote, and whether we can build a future together at all. Telling the other side of the 'masculinity crisis' is key to solving it. The crisis is especially acute for younger men — with two-thirds reporting that 'no one really knows them.' Christopher Pepper, co-author of Talk To Your Boys, notes that Gen Z is the first generation to rely mostly on their phones to communicate. 'There's no responsibility for what's on the receiving end [of online communication],' he said, with online spaces often devolving into slurs and death threats 'that wouldn't be acceptable in other situations.' For the 60% of men who engage with masculinity influencers, friendship itself is evolving: ambition, wealth and popularity are prioritized over trust. In individualist countries like the U.K. and U.S., this shift is more pronounced — perhaps owed to the glamorization of lone-wolf masculinity, in which vulnerability is discouraged. When 'The Costs Of Caring' Are Too Much Meanwhile, young women are rejecting patriarchal expectations that previous generations internalized. Once expected to shoulder emotional labor as a normal part of relationships, they are now more aware of the 'costs of caring,' including suppressing their own needs. They're less inclined to date, with 56% saying 'it's hard to find someone who meets their expectations,' compared to 35% of men. From 'I'm Not Your Therapist' to 'I'm literally Joan Baez,' Gen Z women are resisting the notion of offering up too much to men. While some women told me that men without emotional fluency are unattractive, others hesitate to expect it, fearing they'll be labelled 'controlling'. Several women I spoke with expressed concern over how dating men affects their economic futures. The role of women as invisible drivers of men's success isn't new, but with young people struggling to find jobs at unprecedented rates, it's taken a new form. From job hunting to burnout, 'women tend to provide increased emotional support to men who do not have it elsewhere.' Mankeeping is typically tied to thinner social networks, but for Gen Z, it's more about men's inability to share their struggles with other men. All men I spoke with felt they couldn't be as honest about their jobs with their male friends. In contrast, most young women I interviewed described how stepping in during'unsettled times' negatively impacted their work and well-being. This labor has become an invisible workplace obstacle, as instant communication has erased the natural boundaries that once separated work and emotional caregiving. COVID-19 only exacerbated these dynamics, with many surprised by how quickly they 'played house' during lockdown — over-focusing on their partner's needs instead of their own. A default response learned in their teens and early 20s, it's been challenging to unlearn. Some have gone further: writing partner's college essays, preparing scholarship presentations, coaching them on job interviews. In some cases, their partners actively diminished their career success. 'When he heard where I worked, he looked at me predatorily,' one woman said. He later pressured her to refer him to her company, convincing her it would be best for their relationship. Some men seek proximity to success without realizing the toll it takes on their self-esteem. A Job Women Didn't Sign Up For Broader beliefs about gender equity are shaping how much support partners expect — and feel entitled to — from each other. Women feel as though men aren't doing enough to support gender equality, whereas 60% of men believe they're expected to do too much. The stereotype suggests that women require more support in relationships, but Gen Z's 'emotion work' — the labor required to bridge the gap between expectations and reality — is especially stark in a generation that expects so much of young men while providing them limited support. Across hundreds of hours of interviews, distinct forms of emotional labor have emerged — confirming what researchers have long observed: Women are more often expected to carry this emotional load in relationships. Like Ava, many women are stepping back from this distinct form of work, from dating, and from committed relationships. They report that dating is harder than 10 years ago, and are twice as likely as men to cite physical and emotional risk as reasons why dating has become more challenging — 62% of single women report they're not looking to date at all, compared to 37% of men. Even before entering relationships, a young woman is likely to have experienced emotional and physical abuse. Among teenage girls, 80% report that sexual assault is 'normal and common' in their friendship groups — before they even finish high school. About half of Gen Z women report feeling disrespected by men, compared to 18% of men; 42% of women report being pressured into sex on a date, and intimate partner abuse has now been cited as an indicator of attitudes that underpin extreme violence. Both these realities might partially explain why young men are dating less than previous generations. Gen Z men are more than twice as likely as Boomers to report that they didn't have a significant other as teenagers, and women are increasingly opting to date older men to avoid having to 'mother' their significant other. 'Unless you're really in love,' one Gen Z woman told me, 'then it's not your problem if they're not emotionally available.' Millennials have a different lens: 'It's a feminism thing,' Becca, 31, told me. 'But also a way of processing the outsized support we gave them' — a kind of paying it forward to another woman's future boyfriend. The more women are left to shoulder the burden of the masculinity crisis, the more likely they are to withdraw. But the more they do, the more boys feel rejected. Loneliness leaves boys vulnerable to voices that reframe their abandonment. One in six boys aged 6-15 have a positive impression of Andrew Tate, and across 30 countries, Gen Z men are 30% more conservative than other generation has a gender divergence — social and political — at this scale. If we want to interrupt this spiral, we must stop asking women to keep absorbing the damage. We need to offer boys a healthier model of masculinity that speaks to their needs — but doesn't come at girls' expense. That means listening to why women are pulling away and creating pathways for boys to grow without leaning on women. A recent survey exploring young men's health in a digital world, 55% of the young men who watch masculinity influencers believe that women don't care about men. My research shows that women do care. They just want relationships that don't lean on traditional gender roles. Meanwhile, boys deserve better than a culture that mocks their confusion without showing them a path through it. That path begins with both sides recognizing what the other is carrying — and letting go of narratives that cast boys as aggressors before they even reach adolescence. Instead, as Pepper puts it, it's 'fine to give boys and men some homework.' This homework begins with fostering self-awareness, emotional literacy and responsibility for your actions. What Men Can Do To Fix It Men often lack these emotional skills precisely because they've rarely been expected — or permitted — to develop them. Instead, young women have been tasked with practicing and perfecting emotional labor. Traditional masculine norms like pride often keep men from extending their expressions of vulnerability beyond the comfort of romantic relationships. Many fear that admitting they're overwhelmed will diminish their self-worth. Emotional fluency will take practice. And because expectations of manhood haven't evolved as quickly as those for women, that practice must be met with patience. Our understanding of masculinity must also shift to make space for emotional connection between men. Vulnerability is often taught by women and associated with intimacy — leaving little room to express it in male friendships. But men need friendships grounded in trust, mutual honesty and shared vulnerability. Nearly every man I spoke to said his male friendships left him feeling worse about himself. This not only deprives men of the full range of support they need in tough times, but limits nuance in emotionally complex situations. As several male interviewees pointed out, their friends were often quick to 'hate' or 'blame' women after breakups. Instead of emotional language that deepens the gender divide, it can instead be used to bridge it, helping men move through hurt with reflection and toward growth. Finally, we need to redefine what it means for men to be a 'provider.' Caring for others should be central to what masculinity can mean. We must also rethink what it means to 'protect,' as many men I spoke to believed withholding their emotions was a form of care. Dating teaches us many things: how to take emotional risks, how to fail, how to communicate. Above all, relationships teach us how to be vulnerable. But with 29% more men than women in Gen Z currently single, a gender skills gap will only continue to widen. As more women step back from relationships, many men may never get the chance to learn. Those who took on this homework — who shared their burdens with friends, practiced self-awareness and showed up with emotional fluency — weren't just more attractive to the women they dated. They also became better partners. If we are to love each other, masculinity has to evolve to hold that vulnerability, for everyone's sake. Related... Men Are Trimming Their Eyelashes To Be Shorter, And The Reason Is Baffling Opinion: Jerry Seinfeld And Conservatives Want To Make America Masculine Again — And It's Destroying Men My Family Needs Me For Everything — And I Never Saw The Emotional Fatigue From That Coming Why Men Are Bad At Friendship (And What To Do About It)
