Dear Richard Madeley: ‘Should invited guests at a family dinner pay the bill?'

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a day ago

I was asked to a family dinner by a friend who lives abroad and who I had not seen for a couple of years. The friend was celebrating a niece's birthday. We were a group of 15 at a rather lovely restaurant; the menu had been chosen in advance.
I imagined I was my friend's guest, but when the bill arrived, he summarily requested a sum from all the adults equally (taking no account of the fact that some of us had roamed more freely across the wine list than others). Of course I would have come in any case, but it would have been nice to know.
I have to host a similar family dinner later this summer, for which I was expecting to pick up the tab. I'm now minded to rethink, and ask the grown-ups to split the bill – but what's the 'done' thing these days?
— R, via email
There is no 'done' thing. Not any more. I get so many letters like yours. Everyone's at sea over etiquette, on all levels. Weddings, funerals, 21st birthdays… it really is make-your-own-rules-up time.
The thing is to be crystal clear well in advance, so everyone understands where the parameters are. That's where that niece's birthday dinner went wrong. You felt ambushed when you were asked to chip in to a bill you assumed would be taken care of by her uncle.
It's completely up to you what you do about your own upcoming family bash. Either reassure everyone that it's all taken care of, or explain – again, well in advance –that the bill will be split between everyone there. But in the latter case, don't get into complicated calculations about who drank what, who had the garlic bread and who didn't, who ordered foie gras and who slurped soup. Just divide the total by the number of guests. Remember, you want everyone to just bring themselves – not their calculators.
You can find more of Richard Madeley's advice here or submit your own dilemma below.
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